Flesh and Blood

Over two years ago, I moved to Tanzania with all the answers. People asked me what I would be doing, I replied with confidence. They asked my long-term vision, I told them the plan unabashed.


As I sit in my living room this afternoon, after time to reflect over all that the Lord’s done, not during my time in Tanzania, but the nearly five years since He first called me, I have to say that I have way more questions than answers. In fact, I daresay, that I don’t know a whole lot at all. 


I used to have a few regular readers for my weekly blogs on this site, but as I prepare to send this piece out to get lost in the vast inter-web, I have to ask myself what I’ve been doing the last four months that I couldn’t afford the time to write even one blog, one story, to share with folks back in the states. 


I suppose the best answer to that is that life has happened. In my attempts to be a good husband to Melissa and a good father and educator to the treasures, the whole being a good writer (or a writer at all, more accurately) has been pushed aside. Time spent on dirty dishes, teaching the preschoolers, balancing TOA’s books, feeding the dog, managing the home and just trying to be a good husband have each individually eclipsed, even dwarfed, my time spent writing for this blog.


In the midst of life happening, something profoundly significant and important has happened, a joyous event. Melissa and I got pregnant. Our lives are forever changed by this little one that we are anticipating seven months from now and already, the child’s arrival is changing our plans and we’re being forced to re-shape that which we call life.


Over the last couple weeks since we’ve told people, I’ve had a couple people congratulate us saying, “now, you’ll be parents to your own flesh and blood.” Rita said this herself as we met with her a couple days ago. Its an interesting point, one that we’re undoubtedly excited for, but there’s a reason that they say that.


If you were to go back to that time when I had all the answers a couple years ago and you asked my friends and family, “who is the one person that Brandon is excited to be with when he gets to Tanzania?” Ten out of ten people would say the same name, Awadhi. People without a second thought referred to him as my son, both American friends in the states and Tanzanian friends here.  His picture is up in my parents house in Wisconsin. When people talk about me, they talk about him. He has been indelibly placed in my story and my life. And yet, he’s the one that is more chalk full of questions in my life than anyone else.


When I first got here, I struggled with the new reality in his life that I stepped into. The reality of him being HIV+ and deaf was something that I was already aware of and walking through. I had prayed for him, fasted for his healing out of a deep love that was new and revolutionary to me. As I moved to Moshi, I was happy to be with him now and fully prepared to continue to battle for him and love him with all that I’ve got. I was and still am assured of his coming healing. But the new reality was that he was going to start out at a new school in Kiboroloni, a school for the deaf. I, and the rest of his family at TOA, would only see him on the weekends. I wasn’t as prepared for that. And that went on for a year, until I then left him for six months at the start of 2011. That time in the states was right in step with what God had for me as I did the best thing since I gave my heart to the Lord, I married my best friend. Nonetheless, I didn’t see Awadhi for a long time. On coming back in July, he had come off another poor performing semester at school and the school asked to keep him on the weekends, so he now only comes home to TOA once a month on the week he has to go to the hospital for his HIV appointment. 


And now, as Melissa and I joyfully look forward to the birth of our baby, I, now we, once again are forced to leave Awadhi for a time longer than the previous six months last year. 


Questions. Where to start? 


Why hasn’t he been healed yet? Why haven’t we adopted him? With the restrictive Tanzanian law in mind, is adoption even possible? Why is he performing so poorly in school? What does he think of when he’s with me? What does he think of me and Melissa when he’s at school? What did he think about the six months that he didn’t see me and I came back with Melissa? What will he think when we leave and come back a while later with a baby? How does he see us? What are we to him truly? What does he believe about God? 


I don’t know.


It’s a humbling confession to make. I can come up with something eloquent about how being born of the spirit is more important than being born in flesh and blood, which is true. I can say something about trusting God with Awadhi, which I do. I can talk about the bright side of being in the states for a while instead of being home in Tanzania. I could say a lot cheerful things. I, indeed, have so much to be thankful for and I am. I’m thankful for my wife, she’s amazing. I’m incredibly excited for the birth of our child and look forward to sharing that experience with friends and family in California. All of this is true and I’d be remiss to not mention it.


But, I believe I have something to learn here in the midst of the questions. Not only about Awadhi, not only about the precious little one that’s going to show up in September, but about life and why things go the way things go. 


I recently read “Erasing Hell” by Francis Chan and the number one thing that I walked away with from that book is that God is higher. The way that He does things is higher than I can imagine, I can’t understand it. I’m the pot. Compare the knowledge of the pot to the knowledge of the Potter who made it. He does things in a way that I wouldn’t do them. This isn’t to demean our existence or the image in which He created us, but its rather to exalt Him as Creator.


“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, 
Nor are your ways My ways, says the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher that your ways, 
And My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9 


God is good. We thank Him for this coming season of life and for the gift of this little one, as well for the gift of having Awadhi in our life. 


At the same time, life is tough to make sense of sometimes, increasingly so I’m finding in my own life. There are questions, so many stinking questions. Questions that I don’t have the foggiest answer to, other than to say that God is God. His ways and His thoughts are higher, for this we give praise.

Justification

I read through the book of Job recently and as always, I find it to be a strikingly intriguing book. There’s a lot of debate about the characters and the whole storyline of it all. People typically sum it up as such, Job was a good guy, God allowed Satan to afflict him, Job argued with a few friends and then God showed up and talked about creating a bunch of random stuff.


There’s a guy in the story that is often overlooked and his name is Elihu. Elihu is a young guy that waits his turn to talk and really sets the stage for God to burst in and speak out of the whirlwind (how righteous is that imagery?). Elihu comes on the scene in Job 32 and I love his introduction:


 “So these three men (Job’s friends) stopped answering Job, because he was righteous in his own eyes. But Elihu son of Barakel the Buzite, of the family of Ram, became very angry with Job for justifying himself rather than God. He was also angry with the three friends, because they had found no way to refute Job, yet condemned him. Now Elihu had waited before speaking to Job because they were older than he. But when he saw that the three men had nothing more to say, his anger was aroused.” (v. 1-5)


There’s a phrase in here that I find fascinating. Basically, this young guy comes in swinging. He’s angry with everyone that has just been going on and on about the situation. Its safe to say that everyone is angry with the friends, and with good reason. They are worthless comforters, as Job said. But what about Job? Why be angry with him? The Bible says at the start and the end that Job didn’t sin with his lips in this book of words and arguments (Job 1:22; 42:8). Yet this guy Elihu is mad him, really he’s mad for the same reason that moved God to put Job in his place - doesn’t this just send chills up your spine? “Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you and you shall answer me.” (38:2).


He’s angry because Job justified himself rather than God.


That is a tough pill to swallow. Job didn’t do anything wrong. He was a righteous man, a prosperous man, a family man with integrity. All of a sudden everything hits the fan and he’s left high and dry. In his attempt to defend himself from his friends harsh words, Job points out how righteous he is, which is actually true. But in all of his discourses, he never justifies God, only himself. Its not until God shows up and Job is put in his place that he speaks what he should have from the get-go “I am unworthy - how can I reply to You?”(40:3).


I think that there’s something in here for us, certainly for me. God calls us to things, He calls us to be a certain person and to act a certain way. By His grace and Spirit, we actually do it sometimes. We are the people that He wants us to be. We’re like Job, we serve God, we love Him and fear Him. At some point, whether it be an attack from Satan, or a byproduct of sin and death in the world, we get hurt, something goes wrong. We ourselves didn’t do anything wrong, but now something’s amiss nonetheless.


Like Job, we often start sulking and point out how we didn’t do anything wrong. We didn’t do anything to bring this upon ourselves. We feel as though we need to defend ourselves from what others might think or say to us, like Job did in responding to his friends. We use all of our words to justify ourselves and we never stop to consider God.


You know what the funny thing is about God’s response to Job? He never tells him why He allowed all the hardship to happen. He never answers all those questions that Job and his friends posed. It seems like God comes in and talks about everything, BUT the question of why. He talks about stars, snow, mountain goats and ostriches, but doesn’t tell Job why all of this was allowed to happen to him.


What’s the point of God’s response? He’s God. That’s the point. We’re not God. That’s the first sub-point. What does it meant to justify God? It means to recognize Him as God. To agree with the Bible that He is higher, we can’t understand Him fully (Isaiah 55:8-9). We relinquish what control we think we have over our lives and tell God He is in control. We realize that He is for us and that He is working out things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). We recognize not only that He’s on our side, but that He’s bigger than the problem. Lastly, we relinquish any thought that God needs to answer to us, that He owes us an explanation or an apology. That’s justification.


You might be doing exactly what God wants you to be doing and something blows up in your face. Now you have this huge problem and you don’t know what to do. You might be apt to say, “but I’m a pastor!” or “I’m witnessing to people at work!” or, as I’m tempted to say, “but Lord I’m way over here in Tanzania, being a missionary and helping orphans!” Just stop. He’s God. He is justified in all He does and He knows exactly what He’s doing, for this we give praise.

Devotion

I don't always do what is best for me. Foolishly, I often realize it as its happening. Lord help me.


I often think back to the time that I was in Long Beach and remember it with a sense of romance. I remember what God was doing during that time and felt quite close to Him. I felt that my ministry in church was meaningful and even powerful. I saw God moving in the communities that I was involved in and it was exciting. It was the perfect staging area for my launch into the mission field of Tanzania.

I get these random images through Zemanta. To be honest, this blog doesn't need the seal of Long Beach, just because I mentioned Long Beach, but I did it anyway. Image via Wikipedia

I now often find myself taken aback and feeling like over a year and a half later, I'm further from God. I of course chalk some of this up to seeing the past through rose-colored glasses, but I know that there's more to it than just that. As I've been reminded of the last several days, that distance has a lot to do with the way that I spent my time back then. Namely that during that season, I committed myself to spending a hour with God everyday.


I remember it quite well. I lived in the upstairs of a four unit apartment complex. Our balcony was merely a walkway, but I would set up shop there and look over the city of Long Beach. On top of my spot on Signal Hill, I could see downtown LB and beyond one direction, then Belmont Shore down into Seal Beach and beyond the other way. I set up my little fold out chair, my Oswald Chambers devotional and of course my study Bible. That time was so special, so restful and in the most important way, believe it or not, productive.


Now I find myself too busy to set aside that much time. Its disgraceful really. How I spend my time is indicative of my priorities and not spending time with the Lord is a bad sign. Now, the truth is I still read my Bible everyday and I of course pray everyday, but I'm far less intentional and the time has waned considerably.


I was convicted of this through a couple sermons that I listened to the other day. I always listen to a lot of podcasts, but during my time in the states, I fell way behind. The first was by Darren at the Garden where he challenged the congregation to do very simple disciplines that would bless God and draw us close to Him during Lent ("So two rabbis get into an argument..." on The Garden Church Long Beach iTunes podcast) and the second was by Becky Tirabassi at Rock Harbor, emphasizing the importance of the Bible and having that daily time in the word ("The Good Book: Love It. Read It. Live It" on ROCKHARBOR Messages iTunes podcast) . I knew that these two messages were just for me.


I had been holding out on starting my "read it in a year" NIV Bible, because I wanted to finish reading through my entire study Bible first, which has been a multi-year project (I'm down to three Old Testament books and three New Testament books). I had read through the Bible in a year before, but was feeling enticed to do it again. I decided after listening to the sermons that I didn't need be finicky about it and when it comes to reading the Bible, I don't need to finish one project before starting another... so I'm doing both.


Still, even after all that on Friday, I'm not spending adequate time with the Lord. So the Lord put me on my back today... literally. I pulled it the other day, but re-aggravated much worse this morning bending over for shampoo in our very small shower. Melissa has been gracious enough to take care of me, but I thank God, because I haven't been able to do much other than sit around for the day. Not only did I have time to finish Rita's book on Pastor Zablon (Its great! Go get it!), but also got to read in another book, my study Bible and my daily Bible. Furthermore, I had personal time in prayer and had devotional time with Melissa too. So necessary.


Its amazing what these times of devotion can do. Today I feel refreshed spiritually and more like God and I are on the same page. I know that if I continue to do it, its going to build me up spiritually. The fifteen minutes I've been spending has been good, but I know that there's more for me as I put more emphasis on my time with Him. I'm looking forward to returning to TOA next week not only because I'll get to be with the kids, but because for the first time this year, I'll be on a normal schedule. In that schedule I can give God my first fruits of time, quality and quantity, and make sure that I'm connected to Him daily.


Its a love relationship. We spend time with people that we love and God is anything but an exception to that. I intend to spend more time devoted to Him, just us together. I know that its in those times that we find purpose, rest and focus, for this we give praise.

Strength

I used to think that I was a strong person. Sometimes people say that it takes a strong person to be a missionary overseas, I then wonder how in the world I’m making it out here. The emotions of being back have been overwhelming at times. I wish that I could say that they’ve all been positive, but it actually seems that most haven’t been. It just feels a little off. I try to be upbeat with the couple status updates I post on Facebook, but its been a little harder and I find myself at a bit of a loss.I look around at the fellow missionaries and perceive how well they have it all together. They are older, wiser and have a handle on things. I rarely see their emotions get to them or not know what to do in a particular situation. All the while, I can feel debilitated by all that I’m facing.


After arriving in Nairobi, we took the shuttle to Moshi the next morning. As we rode, I gazed out the window with so many things on my mind. As I looked out over the all too familiar terrain of East Africa, I was being reminded more of the hardships of living here than anything else. Melissa kept asking me if I was okay and while I said yes, I couldn’t hide from her that I was feeling a real weight. I was, and still am, feeling a weight of responsibility like I’ve never felt before and its more than I can bear in my own strength, help me Jesus.


When we got here in the late afternoon and got to see our new home, we were very pleased and realized how blessed we are. As our friends took off and left Melissa and I at the house by ourselves there was some excitement in the air, but in my soul, I also felt this sense of inadequacy for all that has been undertaken. I have always said that I want a life where people can see Christ in me due to the situation that I’m in requiring Him to move in powerful ways. I certainly have returned to that and now even to a greater degree with a wife to care for, and its not exactly romantic, its more like daunting, if not scary at times, because it is a situation that I can’t remotely handle in my own strength.

Together-ness

(This blog was written with a previous blog of mine in mind. It was called “Single-ness” and played a role in what God did for me and Melissa… I’m not single anymore)


I am learning this word “together” in whole new measures as of late. Two weeks ago today, there was a wedding. It was my wedding. It was my and Melissa’s wedding. The day that the average person would consider the best day of their life, I would be one such person. It wasn’t only a day that I committed myself to Christ like my day of salvation, but it was even more than that. It was a day that I was again committing myself to Christ as a man that is mature enough to take on the responsibility of being a husband and together with my wife, committing ourselves to the Lord. The best day of my life.


There was so much that went into the wedding. I hope to put up more pictures soon once we get them (although you could see some on Facebook right now and the ceremony video is here on the blog). It was truly an incredible production and my talented wife would be the one to credit for all that. She really did a tremendous job down to the most minute detail. Decorations, wardrobe, ceremony and reception events, everything. And it was a lot. We got some important help in the last week or so and help from others here and there, but a lot of the footwork came down to us doing stuff ourselves. It truly monopolized most of our time over April and May. I found myself working on stuff that I don’t even know if I would've noticed if I were a guest there, but it indeed turned out beautiful.


However, not everything came together beautifully. The final product was indeed beautiful, but Melissa and I can see from the big picture that it wasn’t perfect, or at least not in the physical circumstantial aspect. A few things that didn’t work out you ask? First off, something happened to the ceremony’s sound system which messed up our perfect play list - I kid you not it was perfect, check out this line up: Mumford & Sons “Sigh No More,” Norah Jones’ “Don’t Know Why,” Jack Johnson “Banana Pancakes,” Sixpence None The Richer “Kiss Me,” Donavon Frankenreiter “Free,” The OC Supertones “So Great A Salvation,” Melody Gardot “If The Stars Were Mine,” Tyrone Wells “And The Birds Sing,” Amos Lee “Sweet Pea,” candle lighting to Jon Foreman “House of God Forever” and the processional was Phil Wickham “Divine Romance” … I rest my case. I don’t know if the general songs were played at all but Mr. Foreman and Mr. Wickham sounded like they were under water. Furthermore, Melissa spent a painstakingly long time picking out dresses for the bridesmaids, seven of the eight girls ordered through the same bridal shop and they botched the order so the girls didn’t get the dresses Melissa chose, except for my sister who paid more to get the dress because her dress shop actually did get it in time, but the other problem came too late to cancel her order. The guys suits didn’t come either, so we ended up wearing different ones. The caterer didn’t fulfill some of his promises (for example, he himself showing up to the reception).  As if all that weren’t enough, it rained on our wedding day and we scrambled the morning to change locations altogether. So yeah, you could say that not everything “came together.”


The day went by so fast and all the big problems were totally out of our hands. I can’t say how our guests felt, but it seemed like a rapid, hectic ordeal to me and Melissa. There’s just so much. I praise God that much of the stuff did work out well and even more so for those that helped us out the day of  the wedding (our families, our bridal party, our pastors, our DJ -Jessica, our Mcs - Adrian and Kelli and our point-person for the day Mona). Lord knows nothing could have happened without them. And yet, Melissa and I cringe to think about Phil singing the submarine version of “Divine Romance.”


You know when it comes down to it though, it isn’t about all that stuff anyway. I marveled and told Missy a bunch afterwards how I wish that I could have had more time to visit with all the people. That may be the only day in my life where we have both families, our closest friends from childhood, high school, college and church all together. Even Jodie, who is on furlough, came with Rita and Pastor Dave to the wedding to represent Tanzania. It was incredible. These relationships mean so much to us and it was such a wonderful sight to have all of us together in Jesus’ name to celebrate what He’s done for me and Melissa.


And yet far more than any other relationship with a friend or family member there, it meant the world to me to be holding the hand and looking into the eyes of my best friend and beautiful bride, Melissa. As I think about that day, the most prominent pictures I remember are my first look with Melissa, Pastor Bob’s pronouncement into the recessional, our first dance, and when her and I left the reception. Just Missy and I being together and enjoying the love that the Lord has put in us for one another. All that other stuff just fades away in light of such a beautiful picture that He gave us.


Melissa means the world to me. I’ve never loved another person like I love her. I’ve never known another person like I know her. I’ve never been committed to another person the way that I’m committed to her. In the moments that we share together, especially when its just the two of us, I am in awe of just how perfect she is for me and how blessed I truly am to have such a wonderful wife. 


I think that in life we get hung up on a lot of stuff that doesn’t really matter. Sure, they may enhance certain experiences or we may truly enjoy them, but I know that I am guilty of getting bent out of shape when more peripheral things don’t go my way. I then lose focus of what is important in my life, more like Who and who is important in my life. In the Old Testament, God made a very in-depth outline of how we are to live in relationships. Jesus, in Matthew 22, summed them up in two easy-to-remember parts “Love God, love people.” That’s what’s important. A huge component of love is enjoying the communion, or together-ness if you will, with the Godhead and the people that He places around us. I praise God for walking with me over these years. He’s never left me nor forsaken me, we’ve always been together. I also praise Him that He brought Melissa and I together in such a beautiful story, as well as every other person that He‘s allowed me to share in life with. 


He is faithful to do that for each person that He created. He is not only the Author and Perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2), but He is the Author and Perfecter of the love that He puts in people for Himself and for one another, for this we give praise.  

"Together"
Photo Credit: Benjamin Braff - http://thebenjaminbraff.com/

Expectations

This last week has flown by and to be quite honest its been a tough week for us. A lot of things didn’t go according to plan. Certainly not the least of which was losing the ring, but the hits didn’t stop there. It was a painful week for Melissa recovering from her eye surgery, as well as some additional financial hits and frustrations with wedding plans not going to plan. I often say that things in Tanzania just don’t ever go according to plan, well, this week California’s proving to be the same way. I think part of being human is building up high expectations and then being taken aback when such things don’t go according to what we thought.


Quite fittingly this was holy week - the week that we celebrate the most important event in history and the crowning work of Jesus’ ministry on earth.  I sat in church last week on Palm Sunday and was reminded of all that the day meant. I had trouble following where the preacher was going and I couldn’t help but think about the people that greeted Jesus waving those palm branches. They had some lofty expectations of what Jesus was about to do.

I question the historical likelihood of Jesus riding side saddle sticking his right arm in front of Him as He rode. Image via Wikipedia

Do you ever wonder why the people were waving palm branches as Jesus entered Jerusalem? It was a symbol referring to Judas Maccabeus’ victory over the Syrian Seleucids that were occupying Jerusalem almost 200 years before Jesus took his donkey through the city that day. The palm branch was his sign of victory and was stamped on their coins. The revolt was, as all revolts are, a violent affair. The Maccabean Revolt is still revered in the Jewish religion and celebrated through the winter celebration of Hanukkah. It was even fresher in the Jews’ minds during the first century and they were looking forward to what they thought Jesus would do in overthrowing the oppressive Roman government. They basked in their heritage and waved a symbol of military victory as yelling to Jesus, “Hosanna!” “Save us!”


Funny how it was these same crowds that were riled up by the priesthood to have Jesus nailed to a cross only five days later. Fickle? Perhaps. But it goes deeper than that. These people were expecting him to do a mighty work. While He may have never exhibited violence towards people (let some tables have it in the temple though), the people recognized that He was indeed powerful - powerful enough to do a number to the Romans. Imagine their surprise and disgust when only five days later, this supposed prophet, was on trial for blasphemy. Safe to say that their previous expectations were unmet and the result was a historic upheaval.

Money

Welcome to Brandon’s therapy session.


Over the last couple weeks, as Snoop Doggy Dog would put it “I’ve had my mind on my money and my money on my mind.” Not just my money though, but money in general would probably be more apt. Nonetheless, I felt it was blog worthy as it is so integral to our society to the point that we come up with trite sayings like “Money makes the world go round” and what not. Not to mention money and personal finances are topics readily found throughout the Bible. It must be important. The only thing that Jesus talks about more than money in the gospel accounts is the Kingdom of God. That’s right, he talks more about money than he does about love, salvation, repentance and so on. Yeah, I’d say its quite important.


I was hanging out with Shawn the other day and we had some really good conversation as we tend to do. One of the topics, as one might suspect, was popular Christianity. Specifically we spoke at length about two individuals, one of them being Joel Osteen. He is undoubtedly the most prominent figure of the “prosperity gospel.” His book titles include Become a Better You, Its Your Time and Your Best Life Now. I don’t intend to bash another brother, I want God’s will for his life. However, I have a few reservations with the message he portrays. Mr. Osteen read the Bible and gave his life to a homeless first-century rabbi who told people to die to themselves before He Himself was tortured and murdered. Somehow, after this, Mr. Osteen landed on believing that God’s will is for us to be rich and indulge in treasures on this earth, even though they’ll rust and destroy as Jesus said they would.

When I write a book, I'm doing the same pose for the cover. Cover via Amazon

I watched a Larry King interview with Joel Osteen a while back and they showed video from his house and his church. Very big, very fancy, very expensive. He definitely lives out the gospel that he preaches. By his own definition, he has become a better him. The problem that I see with this view of money that many Christians believe in is two-fold. One, I find it unbiblical (as you could tell from the previous paragraph). I think that Mark Driscoll puts it well that when the message is “get rich, get healthy, be happy, that’s the equation… what we are saying is that as Christians we have nothing to offer that is any different from non-Christians or other religions.” Our life in Christ has the same end as that of those in the world: our own prosperity, as opposed to God’s glory. The prosperity gospel is the Christian American dream. Those are American ideals on those book covers, not biblical ideals. “Your,” its about you, its about the individual, “Best Life,” be all that you can be, humanism, health, wealth, indulgence. “Now,” immediately, don’t wait, don’t be patient, why sit down in the booth when you can get it from the drive-thru?


 Secondly, and this is the one that I’ll hit on more from my experience, I find the prosperity gospel doesn’t work out pragmatically. Do you have the kind of cash that Mr. Osteen has? It is a scary proposition when your faith is measured in dollar signs. Fortunately for Joe Christian like me, its not. I believe that God is a God of enough. He is gracious, He gives abundantly. He knows that we require some material things to survive and He has blessed not only the global church, but really the entire world with more than enough. The problem is that people (Americans for certain) horde. They don’t heed Jesus parable about the man that built the bigger barn to hold all his stuff (Luke 12:13-21). Furthermore, peoples’ eyes are bigger than their stomachs and their security and comfort become dependent on the things they own as opposed to the Lord. When this happens, some people wind up with way too much money and others, who might have faith through the roof, end up on the short end of the stick.

Ministry

I feel a bit out of sorts. Ever since I graduated from Vanguard a few years ago, I’ve had a fairly well-defined area of expertise in regards to vocation and ministry. Over the last few months those lines have blurred to something that I can’t quite decipher. 


When I was previously in California, life was easier to understand. When I was in Costa Mesa, I was in charge of the after school program at Victoria and I served in the children’s ministries at a couple churches. When I was in Long Beach, I was the children’s pastor at a couple churches. I was single for all but a couple of months during that time and I had a pretty good handle on what life and ministry looked like. 


In step with the calling that the Lord had put on me, I moved into ultra full-time ministry when I moved to Tanzania (“full” takes on a whole new meaning when you move to the other side of the earth to “work”). Through the emotional ups and downs, I was able to get into a groove of what life in the ministry at TOA looked like; my work was blessed and my schedule became incredibly routine. My life was (and in most ways still is) devoted to the discipleship of the treasures. Again, I found my vocational ministry well-defined.


Now I’m here and I’m struggling to grasp what “ministry” looks like. Technically, I’m still on staff with Hidden With Christ, I’m still on payroll during my furlough and I’m itching to get back to the work (as we can best determine, the extended furlough is over half way over!) And while I may have responsibilities here in the states with office work and fund raising, those aren’t quite the same as being with the kids, teaching them and loving them. Office work is all well and good, but it hasn’t been the focus of my work. Fund raising can be fun and encouraging depending on who we’re speaking with, but in many instances I feel more like a salesman than I do someone that is called to the orphans of northern Tanzania. 

Survival

Last week I found myself doing something quite odd, something that I would take no pride in nor aspire to do. I watched an episode of  American Idol. My mom is a fan of the show and Melissa’s interest was peaked so as the Magic were making a big comeback against the Heat on another channel, I was sitting in the TV room watching twenty-four people trying to become one of thirteen people that would advance to the next round. Its an interesting situation to be sure. American Idol has apparently been the number one show on TV for several years now (not that I helped it become as such) and there have been myriad other shows (Survivor, Last Comic Standing, The Apprentice, etc.) that have this survival mentality that I find quite fascinating.


As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been reading Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller. It is an interesting social commentary and in it he introduces an analysis called the lifeboat theory. In a nutshell, it says that people want to rank themselves in an order of whose the greatest. If a group of random people were in a lifeboat and somebody needed to be thrown off to save the rest, who would it be? This predicates the power play of survival. How that plays out in society is that we are constantly striving to be seen as important so as to receive the much needed security that comes from living in the lifeboat. For the society at large, I think the analysis is spot on. 


When you look around popular culture in the United States, its quite clear that in every realm of society this hierarchy is formed. Donald Trump is important because he’s got a lot of money. Tyra Banks is safe in the lifeboat because she‘s beautiful. Natalie Portman‘s important because she won an Oscar. Lebron James is safe in the lifeboat because he plays basketball well (not as good as Kobe though). Jerry Brown is important because he’s a powerful politician. You get the idea. 


And while such people sometimes set the culture’s pace, this isn’t just about those famous people out there. You find this mentality anywhere you find a group of people. Think about the popularity contest that is junior high and high school. Beyond that you can see the power play in full effect amongst college coeds that are vying for position as the real world approaches. The same mentality translates to the office, the business and yes, even the church. Its not hard to see where a guy like Charles Darwin would come up with a theory like survival of the fittest, when we’ve been playing this odd ranking game for so long. Its active in ways in the animal kingdom and when we choose to not allow God to define our identity and worth, it happens in our lives as well.

Theology of Action

I grew up in the church and have spent a lot of time listening to a lot of sermons. I then went to a Christian university and sat in a bunch of Bible classes and learned a lot. In the quick spread of information in the 21st-century, I’ve listened to pod casts, read blogs and books about God. All of this in an attempt to grow in my relationship with the Lord through glorifying Him with a proper theology; the study of God. All of this is well and good and I have indeed learned things about God and wouldn’t be ashamed to share my knowledge of the Bible and the ways of the Lord. I delight in this growing knowledge of Him.


At the same time, I have come to the realization that we learn a lot more about God through acting out our faith. The first service that I did as I began this gauntlet of speaking was at the Garden and as Darren was asking me questions on stage, I stated something that I hadn’t previously said before, but then realized that it was entirely true. I have learned more about the gospel in the last year through my relationship with 26 Tanzanian orphans than I have ever learned through all the sermons that I’ve ever heard combined. 


We always seem to have many words and can pay lip service to the Kingdom. As someone who enjoys writing and speaking, I probably am worst than most. And yet how many sermons have we heard, or even books have we read have truly changed our lives? We sometimes use that tag “changed my life” too flippantly, because the sincerity of such a change has to be played out for a much longer duration than the moment in which it happened. I will stress and strain over things I write or sermons I write and my intent is to inspire, encourage, challenge, bless, you know all those positive things that would change a person’s life. Yet in all truth, chances are I haven’t produced any words that have seriously altered someone’s life. 


Love. Isn’t that what we’re after? Jesus’ words in John 13:34-35: “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”  “Let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth.” (1 John 3:18). That is powerful stuff. I love the way the Bible builds on the same themes and love in the Kingdom of God is one of the most prominent. The implication in these verses is that we are not only defined by love, but that love is to be love in action. 

Productivity

My name is Brandon and I have a problem. Something’s not clicking and I’m not sure what to make of it. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been go-go-going and am struggling to see the fruit of my labor. In my vain attempt to be productive, I feel as though I’ve succeeded in exhausting myself but failed in getting some meaningful things done. Allow me to divulge a little…


I’ve been focusing a lot on fundraising as of late. So many of those dates that I had posted on my blog site have now come and past and the big things that I’ve wanted to accomplish in the office are now done as well. I have been so focused on fulfilling my commitment to Hidden With Christ that I question if I haven’t had a bit of a trade-off and have missed something along the way. In my foolish analysis of every single thing in my life, I too question my effectiveness in what I’ve been doing for the organization; walking a way from a few consecutive events with only $30 and a new Facebook friend.


All the while, spiritual things are taking the back seat. Last time I was in the states fund raising for Hidden With Christ, the most “productive” thing that I did was taking a week to fast about it. I haven’t done that and have actually, embarrassingly, only fasted once since my three week fast back in October. My prayer life has been a bit distracted and my time reading the Bible has been diminished as well. And yet at the end of the day, I’m exhausted from all my “productivity” with all the spiritual meat essentially stripped to a minimum in my life.

Distractions

I seem to have come up against a wall of some sort here in the golden state. I keep wanting to do things and then ending my days feeling like nothing is getting done. The American culture is quite the life to be thrust back into after spending the last year in the laid back life of East Africa. I’ve always said that I love southern California, as opposed to northern California or the East Coast, because of how much more chill life is here. I’ll tell you that it doesn’t even compare to the chillness of Kilimanjaro. Its all flying by and every flashing advertisement, new fancy gadget and have-to-be-there event is only accelerating this precious experience we call life.


I had dinner with my friend Rodrigo the other day and he asked me if I felt American culture has more distractions. I said no at the time, citing that in my experience in Moshi, I was pretty constantly distracted by my loneliness and what not. That makes sense in my personal experience, but I would say that American culture has many distractions that are ingrained into the very fabric of society.


When I was cleaning out my house in Moshi, I came across my planner from 2009. As I flipped through the pages, I saw so many coffee dates, church events, errands to be run and the like all penciled into my full schedule. One might say that a planner could keep your head from spinning, but more accurately its just the thing that keeps your head spinning at a decent speed without falling off the swivel. I bought a 2010 planner before moving to Moshi and didn’t use it once. As soon as I came back though, I knew that I should get one for 2011 and sure enough its filling up and I’m trying to get stuff done without becoming too distracted by all the things vying for my attention.

Home

I feel like I’ve had a hard time with a seemingly simple question for a number of years now. It is a very common question as well and the answer is assumingly easy. You fill it out when you purchase something online or fill out a job application. It is often one of the first questions asked when you meet a new person and it in so many ways has an important part in the composition of one’s identity… Where’s your home?

When I was in college, I would tip-toe around this question. I transferred to Vanguard in August 2005 only a few months after my parents moved to Wisconsin. I would go visit them for Christmas or during the summer and friends from school would say, “Oh, you’re going home for the break.” I would quickly correct them and say “No, I’m going to my parents house, I’m not from there, I’m from California.” Your home is such an important part of who you are and I didn’t want to be associated with the dairy farmers of the mid-west when I had lived in beautiful and sunny California for essentially my whole life.

I seem to find myself in that same tension this week. When missionaries head to the states for their furlough, they often talk about “going home.” This conflicts me. I’m sitting in a house that I moved into a year ago and often refer to it as home. I often say to myself that TOA is my home, but its not my house. And now people are talking about me going home to the states. I don’t know if I want to be associated with that. This is a tension that I’m not unfamiliar with. As I write this, I remember writing about it just over a year ago as I sat in Portfolio Coffee in Long Beach. My heart was all over the place and that doesn’t bode well for having a single place worthy of the title “home.”

Be

You know, we try to make our lives about a lot of things. For whatever reason, we often feel like we need to force things and make it work. We formulate these ideas in our heads about who we are, what we do and why our lives are significant. In so many ways, I’ve fallen into this over the last however long and it certainly hasn’t been the first time I’ve found myself in this useless striving. Lord, help me to stop doing this to myself.

Call it an identity crisis, call it image management, call it what you will, this is something that I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. This inclination probably picked up the most steam in high school. There is so much need for godly adults to be active in the lives of our youth, because I’ve seen this search in the states and I see it here in Tanzania as well. They are searching for identity and want to define themselves by what they do. I was the epitome of this. I wanted to be a skater. I wanted to be known as a skater. I sucked at skating. Even what little natural talent I had was severely overshadowed by my lack of gall (to keep it G-rated) due to fear of hurting myself. I would skate, but never progressed much. I instead grabbed the camera, stuck with my crew and wore the right threads. They have a word for what I was in the skating community, a poser. The truth hurts. I also went through this phase where I wanted to listen to the cool music, which to many “popular” kids (which in high school means “more valuable” kids) was punk music. I started to act as though that was what I liked. I listened to MxPx as a kid and that was my “in.” That was only one band though, I needed more. People needed to know that I liked the right bands. I had to convince people I do the right things. First I had to convince myself though. I actually remember writing in my personal journal (I don’t dare call it a diary, although it essentially was) that I was now into New Found Glory and Relient K. Ouch, there’s a confession for you. The truth is more pathetic than if it were actually true that I liked those bands. The truth is I had never listened to those bands, I just heard from a friend that they were cool. I have long since listened to them a little and I, in fact, strongly dislike their sound. So much of my high school was spent trying to convey an image surrounded by the things that I’m into and the things that I do.

I wish that I could say that upon leaving my adolescence behind, I became secure in who I am. The truth is though, I just found new masks to put on and the façade became more subtle. I truly went to deeper levels with the Lord in college and as I settled into who He was shaping me into, I found new ways to perform in front of others. In a group, I’ll tune out while you’re praying so that I can plan my own prayer that will blow everyone away. At church, I’ll volunteer for a bunch of stuff so that everyone will see my servant’s heart. I’ll sing the right songs in worship and close my eyes so you all know that I’m being intimate with the Lord. I’ll speak up in conversations so that people realize how wise I am. You get the point. Now I don’t want to discredit the Lord, because the truth is that in all those things, He would put my heart in the right places at times and it was worship to Him. But I couldn’t pretend as though there wasn’t this desire to perform in front of others weaved through it as well.

Numbers

A couple weeks ago, I was hurrying to get to ICC. One thing had led to another that particular morning and now I was late. You’d think I would have known by this point that there is no such thing as “late” in Tanzania. I was to lead worship and got there right when we start at 10 o’clock. There was just about no one there. There was no one up on the outside platform we meet on and when I went by our building, I was greeted by another elder, Evelyn, who told me that there wouldn’t be too many people at church today because the Fountain of Hope students had gone on break. A few minutes later as we started worship, I was on stage with two others, the percussionist and a backup singer. There were four people in the seats. That turned to 14-15 by the end of worship, but not exactly the turn-out you would typically expect or hope for.

I’m struggling with this notion of numbers. We typically lean towards this idea that bigger is better or if one is good, two is better and so forth. The last couple weeks at ICC is starkly contrasted by my recent listening ear to the Mariners Church- Mission Viejo pod casts. Probably my favorite preacher (if that’s allowed) Mike Erre has become the lead pastor at that church. If you know of Mariners, you know that it is a mega-church. Its huge. Does that qualify them as the better church?

Though this instance highlights the issue, my struggle with numbers isn’t necessarily that my sermons or worship sessions at ICC only account for upwards of 20 people or so. That may be a part of it, but I’m noticing it play out in other areas of my life that are potentially closer to my heart. One being my writing. I recently found something that I guess Blogger started doing back in the summer. They keep your stats for you. This could be the end of my ego or more likely a bigger feeder into it. I just happen to know that since they started keeping the stats in July, I’ve had over 4,200 hits on my blog. Now undoubtedly, some of those are my own views and I’m willing to bet that most of the people that go to my blog don’t bother to read my flippin’ long posts (I can’t say I blame them). Thus, the number of hits really shouldn’t boost my ego, however in my own vanity, my ego will probably take it.

In Everything

I’ll be honest, its that time of the week when I sit down and write down my thoughts on life and this week I’m feeling a bit obligated to write about giving thanks. Makes sense right? Had it not been that today is Thanksgiving in the states, I probably would have been writing on something else, but I’ll try and make this work. I don’t feel like writing on thanksgiving, but biblically I think that that fact alone may qualify me to write on exactly that.

A couple weeks ago, I taught devotionals on back to back days. I spoke both days on the will of God as shown in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22. Whenever I use this passage, I always preface it with a really exciting question: “Who wants to know the will of God?” The hands always go up as undoubtedly that is one of the biggest desires and prayer requests of so many believers. We writhe in our uneasiness as we think that if we only had more direction we’d be fine. We equate that desire with wanting to know the will of God, when our direction and God’s plan for our lives is only part of His will for us. Go ahead and read that passage and you’ll find out God’s will for you.

Entitlement

I think that we live in the most obscure time in eternity. There is pre-Genesis eternity, Creation up to the Cross, now, and the age to come. We are truly in a peculiar spot in history. Anyone that is familiar with the Rock Harbor circles of fellowship are familiar with the New Testament picture of the Kingdom of God as “now, but not yet.” The Kingdom of God, and all the blessings and holiness that comes with it, is “at hand” (Matthew 3:2) and thus is within reach. The Kingdom of God, or the Kingdom of Heaven, is a Kingdom without sin, sickness or death; utterly flawless, fulfilling and satisfying. That is within reach and Jesus wants His followers to walk in this truth. And yet, the Kingdom is not fully here yet, thus death, sin and sickness still have an evil grip on this world. The Kingdom of God is infinitely superior and more powerful than the kingdom of darkness and victory is already secured, yet it has not completely taken place yet (unless by the time you read this, Jesus has already come back , in which case, I’ll just tell you, the reader, that I’m never updating this blog again). I believe Jesus’ words and I believe that the Holy Spirit is just like Jesus and that He does the same stuff today. That’s truth.

I write this blog without much of an idea of how things work. May the Lord work through my foolish thoughts and writing. I believe in things that I don’t see. I believe in things that the Bible teaches, yet I’ve never seen them with my own eyes. I hear people’s stories about incredible miracles that have taken place and as much as I truly believe them, when it becomes my turn all I can do is kind of look at the ground and shuffle me feet. Certainly I testify of the Lord working in the supernatural in my life and testify that He does those things. But when it comes to those radical healings and completely unexplainable phenomena I don’t really have anything to say.

Preparation

I find myself having to continually remind myself of a very simple task. Its not something I had to do or ever made a habit of doing when I lived in California, but in my effort to adapt to this different culture, I try to be conscious of it. I drive down Lema Road every morning on my way to work and there are many people that I pass on the road; women with bananas on their heads, school children and the like, just starting their days. In the states, even poor schools utilize school buses and most people get around by their own vehicle or heaven forbid public transit. While we do have cheap public transit in Tanzania, if you are super poor it may be something that you cut out of your budget. So people instead will walk and as people in cars pass, the pedestrians often ask for a “lifti”(many Swahili words are English words with an “i” on the end). They do this by stopping, looking at the driver and putting their hand out, palm up (as opposed to our hitchhiker thumb). It is common practice to give these people rides and I am training myself to always be prepared and ready to give them a ride.

I want to be the kind of person that is always ready to bless someone, always prepared to fill in and do what is right at the drop of a hat. Unfortunately, I have not arrived yet in being the person that is always prepared to do so.

Monday through Friday, we start of the days at TOA with devotionals. Eli takes Monday, Lydia does Tuesday, I get Wednesday, Jodie takes Thursday and one of the staff teaches on Friday. With Lydia gone, Jodie and I are alternating on doing her Tuesday. I like to teach, but the devotionals are a bit of a discipline for me. Coming up with something to teach on a weekly basis, is stretching me and I sometimes feel ineffective. Nonetheless, I didn’t want Jodie to bear it on her own in Lydia’s absence so when Lyd left I offered to alternate with her. I did it two weeks ago, but then last week the Tuesday was done in Swahili by a staff member. Yesterday, Jodie asked me if I was going to do it the following day (Tuesday) and I squirmed out of doing it, by virtue of her having not done it the week before. She caught me off guard and I wasn’t prepared to just bless her. Jodie is a wonderful woman and a hard worker. She is doing great with added responsibility in Lydia’s absence and is also coming off a bout with malaria. Despite that my lack of preparation to just bless at a moment’s notice didn’t bring her any relief. I felt convicted of it that night and I texted her to apologize and tell her that I would be happy to lead the devotional if she would like me to. Jodie, in her grace, told me that it would be okay and that she would do it anyways.

Submission

You know the Bible is not a random book. And all those little tidbits of “advice” that you find in there aren’t random either. The Holy Spirit used some forty odd writers and delivered God’s very word to us, He then enlightens us to understanding and we figure out how we’re supposed to live this life. Sometimes you can read things in there and they can be a bit hard to swallow, or you’ll want to soften it with some poor interpretation of the scripture. Well, I’ve been learning more and more about one of those such things.

Submission is something that is in many ways a hot button topic in the Church. It plays a role in various topics from gender and church leadership to marriage and government authorities. The Bible is certainly not silent about the topic and it wouldn’t take a long look through the holy book to come across its reference in some fashion.

Desire

Having ended the fast in the last half hour (first thing in my mouth was a spoonful of peanut butter, in case you were wondering), there are so many different things that I can write about, because the Lord was definitely at work in the fast. I’m going to try to roll up several of them into this post and share what the Lord has done.

I have this tendency towards idle productivity. I notice this at my house first and foremost. At my house, there’s not a whole lot to do. I don’t have a TV, I don’t have a DVD drive on my computer (or a single DVD for that matter), I don’t have internet at my house and I don’t have anyone to talk to aside from the Lord and if I’m feeling delusional, any of the various lizards that come in to visit me. Because of that, I try to toil in the interest of growing spiritually. How many pod casts can I listen to tonight? How many chapters will I read in my book? Will I master any new worship songs on the guitar? All of these are good things, but I find that my mindset isn’t always coming from the best angle.