Dostoevsky Quote

Image via Wikipedia

I came across this quote a long while ago and found it quite true of my own life. As Melissa and I were meeting with Rita yesterday, the Treasures weren't far from my mind. I miss them so much and look forward to returning home in a couple months with Melissa by my side. Spend time with kids... its good for you.


"The soul is healed by being with children."

-Fyodor Dostoevsky

Ministry

I feel a bit out of sorts. Ever since I graduated from Vanguard a few years ago, I’ve had a fairly well-defined area of expertise in regards to vocation and ministry. Over the last few months those lines have blurred to something that I can’t quite decipher. 


When I was previously in California, life was easier to understand. When I was in Costa Mesa, I was in charge of the after school program at Victoria and I served in the children’s ministries at a couple churches. When I was in Long Beach, I was the children’s pastor at a couple churches. I was single for all but a couple of months during that time and I had a pretty good handle on what life and ministry looked like. 


In step with the calling that the Lord had put on me, I moved into ultra full-time ministry when I moved to Tanzania (“full” takes on a whole new meaning when you move to the other side of the earth to “work”). Through the emotional ups and downs, I was able to get into a groove of what life in the ministry at TOA looked like; my work was blessed and my schedule became incredibly routine. My life was (and in most ways still is) devoted to the discipleship of the treasures. Again, I found my vocational ministry well-defined.


Now I’m here and I’m struggling to grasp what “ministry” looks like. Technically, I’m still on staff with Hidden With Christ, I’m still on payroll during my furlough and I’m itching to get back to the work (as we can best determine, the extended furlough is over half way over!) And while I may have responsibilities here in the states with office work and fund raising, those aren’t quite the same as being with the kids, teaching them and loving them. Office work is all well and good, but it hasn’t been the focus of my work. Fund raising can be fun and encouraging depending on who we’re speaking with, but in many instances I feel more like a salesman than I do someone that is called to the orphans of northern Tanzania. 

Home

I feel like I’ve had a hard time with a seemingly simple question for a number of years now. It is a very common question as well and the answer is assumingly easy. You fill it out when you purchase something online or fill out a job application. It is often one of the first questions asked when you meet a new person and it in so many ways has an important part in the composition of one’s identity… Where’s your home?

When I was in college, I would tip-toe around this question. I transferred to Vanguard in August 2005 only a few months after my parents moved to Wisconsin. I would go visit them for Christmas or during the summer and friends from school would say, “Oh, you’re going home for the break.” I would quickly correct them and say “No, I’m going to my parents house, I’m not from there, I’m from California.” Your home is such an important part of who you are and I didn’t want to be associated with the dairy farmers of the mid-west when I had lived in beautiful and sunny California for essentially my whole life.

I seem to find myself in that same tension this week. When missionaries head to the states for their furlough, they often talk about “going home.” This conflicts me. I’m sitting in a house that I moved into a year ago and often refer to it as home. I often say to myself that TOA is my home, but its not my house. And now people are talking about me going home to the states. I don’t know if I want to be associated with that. This is a tension that I’m not unfamiliar with. As I write this, I remember writing about it just over a year ago as I sat in Portfolio Coffee in Long Beach. My heart was all over the place and that doesn’t bode well for having a single place worthy of the title “home.”

A Look Back... A Look Ahead

It seemed fitting to do an end of 2010 blog post. This was without a doubt, quite clearly and unequivocally the most life altering year of my life. The Lord has shown Himself to be faithful to me over and over again and for this I must testify...

2010

• January ~ I left my home that was the good ol' U.S. of A. and journeyed to Tanzania to take up my position at Treasures of Africa Children's Home. The tears of leaving friends and family behind were many, but the refreshment of landing in Kilimanjaro and knowing I was in the center of God's will for me was my strength. Loneliness begins to take hold of me during my three weeks at language school, detached not only from my loved ones in the states, but also my kids in Moshi for most of the week and away from significant Christian fellowship.
• February ~ My work formally starts at TOA as I finish language school. I take Awadhi to church for the first time on the first Sunday of the month and return with an interesting Facebook message from a young woman named Melissa. She seems to feel called to work at TOA; one of the bigger storylines of the year (or life if you will) truly ensues.
• March ~ I find fellowship with a short term team of other Christians my age and don't waste the opportunity to try and show off my missional long-term-ness for the first time. 
• April ~ I spend my birthday in Tanzania and it is far different than any other I've ever had. I was blessed by those friends here in Moshi and everyone at TOA. My favorite was receiving birthday greetings from my life group in Costa Mesa who managed to bring me to tears thousands of miles away.  
• May ~ My first (and truly my only time thus far) having Rita Tanzania-side. It was a refreshing time as she came along with a team that really blessed us. I received meaningful inner healing prayer from them as well. The summer wave of teams continued and I was able to meet many new people. 
• June ~ My close friend Ryan who was a significant mentor and help this year had his interns here who provided for me the closest community that I experienced this year. I was very blessed by all of them. I became a leader and elder at ICC, my church here in Moshi; the youngest elder in the history of the church.
• July ~ I met my future wife face to face for the first time the same day that my first friend from the states, Kelli, came to visit me. I began upping my prayers in regards to if anything would happen with this Melissa girl and then stuff started happening.
• August ~ I got engaged after a turbulent few weeks of courtship. At times I felt like I was crazy, but throughout it the Lord was helping me to see His hand in it all along the way. I spent the end of the month in Darjeeling, India ministering with friends and family and seeing the Lord move in powerful ways.
• September ~ I started off the month in the Himalayas and ministered there amongst people that are not supposed to be the followers of the Way that they are. I returned to Moshi the second week and began my final season of the year. Soon, Lauren and Lydia left as well and I realized just how empty my normal Moshi community was at this point. Luckily, Melissa and I were able to begin skyping frequently. I also began four months of acting worship pastor at ICC and was stretched in ministry in new ways.
• October ~ I spent the first 21 days of October doing a juice only fast. The Lord did a good work, but it wasn't all intense like I thought it would be. He increased my faith and my desire for Him and those are obviously worth the fasting. I also saw breakthrough in my relationship and conversations with Melissa. 
• November ~ I struggled in my writing and feelings of insecurity came up that I didn't realize were present. A time of testing was in full swing as the Lord brought up and began to rid out false feelings and sins that were in me. 
• December ~ I took a break from my beloved blog and didn't write for three weeks. The Lord brought me to a place of repentance and refocus. The preparation for my furlough began.

The Lord was faithful this year and I praise Him for all that He did.  I leave in just over a week for my first furlough. I don't really know how to navigate being away from the kids for that long. The main reason that I didn't write much about them above is because they haven't changed; they've been my constant, they've been my comfort over the last year. In any hard time that I fell into, a hug, a kiss, a word, a laugh, a smile, anything from any of my children would lift my spirit. They are the reason the Lord has called me here and for that I am eternally grateful to Him. He has shown Himself to me in a new way this year and I'm not the same man that left the states a year ago.

2011 is shaping up to be just as crazy for me. I do leave for my furlough in just over a week and plenty of nutty stuff will happen. I'll get to see friends and family that I haven't seen in a long while. I'll get to try my hand at being a real missionary state-side, complete with all the fundraising (or marketing if you will) that it entails. I'll get to prepare for my wedding for the first five months and then get married to an incredibly godly woman on June 4th. Along with that, I get to navigate through countless people that seem to think that they're invited to our wedding until then (we've only got about 215 spots, people, and Melissa's got a big family!). After our wedding (the sooner the better), I'll be relaunched out of the states, this time with my wife by my side. I'm already looking forward to that and whatever the Lord may bring after it... to Him be the glory for it all.

Treasure - Zoe

Well I thought I had caught up, but I still had this one to go. I'm pretty sure that from here on out all the profiles will be new. Enjoy this somewhat recent reprisal that I wrote on October 8th.

Zoe is a heart thief. She is too cute and always manages to be a favorite of guests that come and visit. It makes sense quite honestly. She is a ball of energy and has about the cutest raspy voice that you’ve ever heard. She has such a unique personality and I know God has good plans for her. With the little ones, I see more and more each day what the Lord has gifted them with and the different talents they are developing from an early age. Zoe is undoubtedly a Bodily-Kinesthetic minded child for my Howard Gardner followers. She is very athletic and very aggressive! That has actually become my new nickname for her, Aggressive (as opposed to her previous nickname of Butterfinger which was based on where she always put her hands). She in all playing will go after me. She never means to hurt but sometimes we’ll be laying on the grass and she’ll just pound my head into the ground as we wrestle. A quick “sowy” always follows. She also seems to have some musical intelligence (although I’m starting to think that all our kids do!) She is not only good at remembering songs, but she throws down on the drum. I teach the kids music in class sometimes and when that girl gets on the drum, she just goes to town. She is such an amazing blessing in my life and if you ever make it out here, I’m sure you’ll fall in love with her.

Spinning

For all that I've said about the difficulties of living here, let it not be lost on the reader that I truly love what I do; more accurately I truly love my children. There is beauty in simplicity and at times that shines through here. Here's a quick story from yesterday.

Maggie Mosh

My kids don't have an XBOX, dirtbikes or a trampoline. But we do have a couple tire swings. One is a fat tire that is cut wide enough for a kid to sit in. Earlier this week, I peaked out to the playground to see Zoe sitting in the swing and Awadhi twisting it up. It seemed a bit high, but he didn't hesitate to let it go. She then spun like crazy and I couldn't help but laugh from a distance. Yesterday, I was playing soccer with Sam, but when I noticed Jerry helplessly twisting Awadhi up in the swing, I went over to help him out. I then spun him up super high. If he can do it to Zoe and she can handle it, I'm sure that he could! So I spun him up and let him rip. That kid went so fast! It wasn't long until all the children wanted a turn. After Awadhi was Jerry and he couldn't handle as much as Awadhi. Then Lucy got in and she got so dizzy that she fell on the ground after getting down and trying to walk, laughing the whole time of course. Then Sam went and he of course, being older, demanded I make it go as high as Awadhi. Then Maggie, my lovely model for this post. After her was Zoe. Now I have many nicknames for Zoe and one of them is "aggressive" and she is one tough cookie. So I made sure to not hold back on my little three year old daughter. She leaned back and got in a little ball and she was off. Being more aerodynamic with the same amount of spin, I'd say she won the competition. Right after her, I got little Diamond up into the seat and someone shouted "mezani" which means "to the table (for dinner)." Since I already had her in the seat, I gave her one quick spin and it was more than enough for our youngest Treasure. She jumped off the swing and looked at me and shouted "I love you!" I live for moments like these and I praise God for them.

Its times like these that I realize how blessed I am and how beautiful the Kingdom of God is.

Treasure - Glory

Somehow this one snuck past me, but I think it might be the final reprisal of the Treasure profiles on the blog. I'll be doing new ones from here on out. Here's what I wrote on Glory on June 21st.

Glory is such a great girl. She is in the fourth grade and one of our original five to come to TOA just over three years ago. For those of you that are wondering, Glory is a common name here. As a matter a fact, all those names of our kids that are English words that stick out to you are quite common here. Anyways, Glory has such a sweet personality and I’m very blessed by her. Now I got some Swedish and German blood running through me, so I’ve got a decent coat of blonde hair on my arms. Glory (or Gee-Lo as the common nickname goes) loves to just pet my arms. I don’t get it. I’ve had other kids do it before, but she does it all the time. Its quite funny to me and she is completely inconspicuous about it and just acts as if this is the most normal thing to do when your dad has hairy arms. She has a very fun personality and is much more out-spoken than her shy older sister Helena. It is so funny playing ESL Bingo with the kids and many of my kids say this, but its Gee-Lo that is plastered in my head saying “I say, baba!” It doesn’t do it justice in writing to share this with you, but I love it so much. “I say” is a very Tanzanian expression, its not Swahili, the intent is English and my kids, Glory in particular, say it all the time when they miss a point in Bingo. Its quite funny. Glory always brightens up my day and I’m so blessed to have her in my life.

Treasure - Justina

Alright, I'm catching up now. I'll be posting new profiles again before we know it. This one was originally posted on July 24th.

Treasure: Justina is such a special little girl. She just turned four last month. Justina is about as across the board as a kid comes in regards to emotions. There have been many times, where I’m convinced that she is the happiest child on this green and blue ball. As you get to know her, she

starts to open up a little and you get a glimpse of her incredible sense of humor. She is just the goofiest and funniest little girl. She more than any of our kids has had her own language. We believe that earlier on, she wanted to speak English so would mimic that, but it wasn’t actually English at all. Now her big thing is acting like Curious George (the kids new favorite cartoon character) as she runs around the field making all the noises and facial expressions. She’s quite theatric and you can tell that there is an artistic side to her for sure. And yet at times, she becomes ultra moody and even defiant. I’m reminded more and more that fatherhood is not for the faint of heart and when your children are misbehaving, correcting them puts that difficulty on full display. When it comes to the preschool exercises, she is my best barometer of my own teaching (Lucy’s a bit old and the other five are a bit young) and I’m blessed to see that she is learning a lot. Her English is coming along very well (see Colors with Justina on TOA’s Facebook or my YouTube) and she is very intelligent. Justina holds a special place in my heart and I’m very much blessed by my daughter.

Treasure - Diamond

Originally posted on June 14th and originally originally posted in the HWCM Newsletter...

I was just a second away from writing on one of our little girls and I remembered my most recent article in the Hidden With Christ newsletter. I’m not sure what “traffic” I get on this blog, but I wanted my Treasure post this week to be the article that I wrote on Diamond in the most recent newsletter. If you want to get the newsletter, you can sign up for the online email newsletter at hiddenwithchrist.com. Advertisement (for something free?) aside, here’s the unedited version of what I wrote on Diamond, my treasure…

Diamond is one of our twenty-six amazing children at Treasures of Africa and she has one of the most dramatic stories. As an infant, she was literally found in a heap of trash and brought to Treasures of Africa soon thereafter. She was given the name Diamond, because she is the precious Diamond that the Lord picked out. This picture is not unlike all of our testimonies of our loving Father who picked us up out of our trash and has put us on a path of His purposes for us.

Out of that background, the Lord is clearly setting her apart for something special. Though her birthday was assigned to her, we are sure that she is our youngest child at the children’s home. Nonetheless, as she nears her third birthday she is excelling in all things that she puts her hand to and certainly in regards to her education.

Early childhood education can often be a slippery thing to gauge and see where a given child is at. Despite that, it has become apparent that Diamond is excelling not only in relation to her peers in the class, but she is even developmentally advanced for her age. As you can imagine our preschool is focused on all those simple building blocks that you would see on Sesame Street or what have you. Each of our children remember different things from our time in class and Diamond seems to remember a lot!

She does a very good job with tracing her letters and we are sure that she will have great handwriting. She speaks good English and is learning more and more. When she is in a particularly excitable mood (which is often), she repeats out loud the sentences that I read from our daily story and we can tell that it is sticking as her practicing vocabulary grows.

Without a doubt, her most impressive skill is her memory. She remembers letters, numbers and colors, but most impressive is her memorization of shapes. While the other little ones struggle to remember, Diamond is right there with the older girls Lucy and Justina. As you can imagine, a shape she never forgets is the one that bears her name.

Likewise, her favorite song is “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.” If you’ve met her or seen her on any of our videos, you’ll know that Dia has one of the most adorable giggles in the world. Every time we get to the part “like a diamond in the sky” she just giggles. Along with that, one of her favorite things to do throughout the day is the hand motion from the song and randomly say “like a diamond in the sky.” She is just too cute!

We know that the Lord has picked out and set out our precious Diamond for something special in His Kingdom and pray for those good things to come. With as much as she loves to say “like a diamond in the sky” we know that its not only a cute saying, but even a prophetic proclamation that this Diamond too will be used to shine the Lord’s light brightly in His universe.

Treasure - Magdalena

Another short post that I originally wrote on a larger post about Maggie. I originally did this profile on May 22nd, 2010.

Magdalena is such a great girl. She’s like the quintessential second grader, only more amazing. She has so much joy in her and rarely do you see her down. She is very funny and very energetic. She speaks faster than any kid that I can think, both Swahili and English. Something happened with her, Sam and Witness, because they all speak quite good English at a young age. One of my favorite memories of Maggie was a couple months ago when I had a Skype call time set-up to talk with my parents. The moments before my parents called me, I quickly found many of my kids had crowded into my office just to be with baba. When the video call came in, they all were taken back by the technology. Like I said, Maggie has good English and is quite energetic, so she took full advantage of this technology to talk to someone in the states. She just started rattling off all of these questions to my parents. I just have this picture in mind of her touching the screen, as if my parents can see that she’s pointing to my dad, and saying “who is this babu (grandfather)?” She always comes up to me to give me a hug and for whatever reason she always leans back and I have to hold her up to keep her from falling backwards. She does it with Lyd and Jodie too, of course. She really does have just the most fun personality and we are so blessed by her and know that the Lord has something special for her.

Treasure - Antoni

Alright, I'm making headway now. I wrote this one on May 5th, 2010.

Antoni is a special boy. He really is something. In March, Treasures of Africa celebrated 3 years since we took our first kids in. He was one of our first five and I put a picture on our Facebook page of him then and now and you can see the physical transformation that has taken place in his life just from being here and receiving proper care. He is one of our three boys with HIV, but like Awadhi and Justice, he is improving in his health. He is quite a funny guy, both intentionally and unintentionally. I’m doing good with my Swahili, but when an eight year-old is mumbling in a low voice, it can get hard to translate. He really does bring us joy and we are blessed more and more by him. Antoni, like any kid, has struggles as well. We recently just had him put down from grade 3 to grade 2, because he was failing. Now in grade 2, he is still failing and it has been a frustration for me, Grace and everyone. Yesterday I was going over some new software and Grace called me over to the tutoring table, just saying how she needed help with Antoni, because he just wasn’t doing his work. We spoke with him and I had to reprimand him, because he is showing very little effort. In first grade, he did fine and now something’s happened. Please pray for Antoni. We are not sure what effect the meds and or HIV have on his mental capability, but a lack of effort is at least clear. Nonetheless, we know that the Lord is at work in this boy’s life and we thank God for bringing him to our family.

Treasure -Innocent

Here's another one! I wrote this originally on April 10th in the year of our Lord 2010.

When I first met Innocent in 2008, he wasn’t Innocent. He was Ramadhani, or just Rama. If you ever come and visit us, have Lydia or Eli tell you the story about the transformation that the Lord has done in this boy’s life, its really one of my favorites. When Pastor Unity first brought him to us, he was rigid and mean from living on the streets. The other kids were terrified of him. Through a series of events involving prayer and discipline, Inno has made a complete one-eighty and is now an amazing young man of the Lord. When he got baptized he chose to have his name changed to Innocent to reflect what the Lord has done in his life. Ramadhani was his Muslim name, the name that was his on the street, his former life. However, Innocent is my son and he loves the Lord. On Friday, our older kids were fasting (they do that by their own volition from time to time) so at lunch time, Innocent just came into my office while I’m on the computer and lays on my concrete floor. That apparently is his place to be when he’s hungry. I love when him or any of my kids come to visit me in my office. One of my favorite things about Innocent is his sense of humor. He is so funny and some of my favorite times around TOA are joking around with him, Ema, Benny and Ray, as we laugh jumping between English and Swahili (even Spanish sometimes). He is ambitious to continue his education and learn English even though the cards have been stacked against him. He is almost fifteen years old, our oldest boy, and only in fifth grade. He didn’t start school at all until he came to TOA and it has resulted in him being very old for his grade. We’ve tried to get him to skip a grades, but the school system doesn’t really allow for that. In all of it though, we are confident that the Lord has big plans for this young man and he continues to be a wonderful blessing to us.

Treasure - Lucy

Here's another reprisal of a previous Treasure profile. I originally wrote this on April 3rd.

Lucy is one of the most beautiful children that the Lord has made. She and Catherine, were the two children that came to TOA between my leaving at the end of July and returning in January. I remember when I got back to Moshi and after my first week of language school, I went to TOA. The other children came up and greeted me and were climbing on me as they were happy to see me back. Lucy came up and said “shikamoo, baba” I replied “marahaba” (an exchange of respect to someone older than you.) I immediately looked up at Lydia and Jodie and said “she is beautiful!” Since then she has become one of my 26 favorites. I spend a lot of time with her between the preschool and just life. She is old enough to be in first grade, but she came to us not knowing much of anything, so she’s spending a year preparing first. Because of this, she is in the preschool and, along with Justina, does computer exercises as well. I focus on developing her English in hopes she gets to the levels of Sam and Maggie in a couple years, if not more. She has an incredibly sweet spirit and disposition. She loves to cuddle and laugh. We were watching her and Tina playing this hopscotch type game and someone said “look at how cute Lucy plays” and I said “I can’t think of anything Lulu does that isn’t cute.” She is simply a wonderful little girl

Treasure - Justice

As promised, I am doing reprisals of all my Treasure profiles to make them as their own separate post. Here's the first one that I wrote on Jubee back on March 20th.

Justice is such a tremendous blessing to us. He will turn three this week and its crazy to think of him being three years old. Juju or Juju Bee or Jubie or my recently coined Jubidus is a super funny kid. Out of all the kids in the preschool, I’d say he’s got his heads in the clouds the most. I constantly have to get his attention in class. It essentially goes like this… I’m reading a story to them and say “Hey Justice, did you see the bird in the picture?” He looks at me and says “yellow.” And I’m like “no, Jubie, not yellow.” Everything is yellow to him, although today while the other children were telling me the colors of their spoons, he looked up at me and said, “Baba, triangle” Sure enough he was holding a yellow spoon. He cracks me up. He is very sweet and very loving. He is our shortest kid, although he is the oldest of all our five year olds. He is one of our three HIV+ kids (please lift him up in prayer). His favorite song is Old McDonald, which he pronounces “happy tano” and his favorite thing is high fives, but instead of saying “gimme five” he says “ee five.“ He is super cute and very photogenic. A few days ago, I was putting his shirt on him and I told him “Juju una kichwa kama tikiti” and got a good laugh out of the caregiver (go translate it). One of my favorite things about Justice is he loves to sing and dance. I love watching and listening to the kids worship and he loves to lead songs and just sing and dance. He absolutely has my heart and anyone that spends about two seconds with him will tell you the same.

Treasure - Sabetina

Sabetina is such a precious little girl that I love so much. She was on my heart today as I was working with the lower elementary kids on the computers following their tutoring time. She came up to me as I was emailing on my lap top and I couldn’t help but give her a big hug and kiss as she came to just ask if I was working with them today. I told her I was and she specifically asked to practice her English today using our Rosetta Stone program and I gladly obliged. As I was supervising the children I was also sending out emails to our child sponsors (we can always use more supporters and several of our children don’t have a single sponsor… wink wink). Coincidently, I was emailing Tina’s one sponsor, my friend Dan, who came with me on my first trip to Moshi in 2008. I remember those two weeks and how whenever we were at TOA, Tina just clung to Dan. It was sweet to see that. Tina came across as a very shy little girl, but she is clearly growing out of that. I first remembered summer 2009 when I was interning with Ryan and Tina just farted right on me as she sat on my lap (actually Diamond did exactly that today as a matter of fact) and I knew that Tina was officially comfortable with me. Tina and I have a very fun relationship. She is always laughing and playing outside, but she isn’t afraid to show a little sass as well. She is very smart and I was pleased with how well she was doing on the English program today (it’s the day to day English usage that we need to draw out of her). She is a very sweet and very beautiful little girl and we are blessed that the Lord has drawn her to our home.

Note: I am going to do reprisals on the previous Treasure posts as their own separate posts. So keep an eye out for those as they come out exclusively here on Blogger. I will probably do one every other day until I have caught up completely.

Submission

You know the Bible is not a random book. And all those little tidbits of “advice” that you find in there aren’t random either. The Holy Spirit used some forty odd writers and delivered God’s very word to us, He then enlightens us to understanding and we figure out how we’re supposed to live this life. Sometimes you can read things in there and they can be a bit hard to swallow, or you’ll want to soften it with some poor interpretation of the scripture. Well, I’ve been learning more and more about one of those such things.

Submission is something that is in many ways a hot button topic in the Church. It plays a role in various topics from gender and church leadership to marriage and government authorities. The Bible is certainly not silent about the topic and it wouldn’t take a long look through the holy book to come across its reference in some fashion.

Desire

Having ended the fast in the last half hour (first thing in my mouth was a spoonful of peanut butter, in case you were wondering), there are so many different things that I can write about, because the Lord was definitely at work in the fast. I’m going to try to roll up several of them into this post and share what the Lord has done.

I have this tendency towards idle productivity. I notice this at my house first and foremost. At my house, there’s not a whole lot to do. I don’t have a TV, I don’t have a DVD drive on my computer (or a single DVD for that matter), I don’t have internet at my house and I don’t have anyone to talk to aside from the Lord and if I’m feeling delusional, any of the various lizards that come in to visit me. Because of that, I try to toil in the interest of growing spiritually. How many pod casts can I listen to tonight? How many chapters will I read in my book? Will I master any new worship songs on the guitar? All of these are good things, but I find that my mindset isn’t always coming from the best angle.

Plans

“A man’s heart plans his way; But the Lord directs his steps” Proverbs 16:9

A seemingly common thing that Lydia and I have discussed both in regards to my time at TOA as well as the concept in general is that we as people love to try and figure things out in our heads. We love to plan and scheme and think how we’ll get ourselves in this position and then we can perform this task and so on. Perhaps one of the biggest things that living in Tanzania is teaching me, is that doing that is quite useless.

There was a time in my life when I was planning. I was planning a lot of things. I had one year left at Vanguard and I had a plan, a pretty good one I thought. I loved living in southern California, I loved working with kids, I loved my current schooling, I loved the girl I was a dating. Taking all those things, I came up with a good plan. I would finish my schooling, get engaged, get my teaching credential, get married, start teaching and settle down in sunny southern California. I planned from my heart, then the Lord directed me elsewhere.

Trust

Basically at any moment after Sunday, my spirit (if not my “material”) seemed ready to sit down and write a post. Sunday, I’m resting it and its only been a few days since my last post. Monday, I skype with Melissa and goes a little long and there’s not enough time. Tuesday, I say tomorrow. Wednesday, I skype with Melissa again then come home and opt to clean instead. I plan on Thursday for sure until Lauren asks if I want to lead worship at their house, I go with that. Then today comes, Friday. Alright, now I’m at the computer and I’m more than ready. After all that’s happened today, I’m so ready.

You know I really like receiving feedback on my writing. Of course you know that, I complain about it constantly. My apologies, but let me explain myself further. It encourages me to hear from people, believe it or not I enjoy interaction with people in the states (go figure, I moved here nonetheless). At any rate, I received a good encouraging feedback message from a friend that I met at Vanguard. Rodrigo was certainly not a guy that I figured was reading any of my posts but nonetheless he hit me up with some encouraging words. Besides saying the normal courtesies like “you’re doing a good job,” “you write well,” and “you’re basically C.S. Lewis reincarnated” (okay, I’m fabricating a little), he gave a sound word that has certainly given me a mind frame for the last week. He shared a story about Mother Teresa and out of it encouraged me to just trust. Clarity and figuring out the how of things won’t get me close to where trust in God will. Obviously that’s a good word and after all that was on my mind last week, it was much needed.

Fighting

I find myself in an interesting spot of my life and an interesting spot of my first year on the missionary field. Its quite unique and I can honestly say that I’ve never been in any situation like this one.

The Lord has done an incredible amount of drastic life changing experiences over the last two months. As I sat at my house in February, March and April writhing from loneliness some of the time, I dreamed about all that would take place over the coming summer. Ryan would have all these teams come out and more importantly his interns; I would have a group of friends actually close to my age. Eventually, Melissa was on board to come out and help at Global-EFFECT and that led to a whole new level of dreaming, knowing that she was feeling called to TOA and could potentially be that one woman I’ve been waiting for. Then the second half of May came, the NMC team came with my friend Tyler, then the VU team with my friend Denny and the first intern Dalila, then Nick and Taylor came out, then the Lord put India on my heart, then Melissa and Kelli came, then I realized the magnitude of what God was doing in my relationship with Melissa, then I got engaged (a month ago today), then Melissa left, then I left for Asia, then I had an amazing and anointed time there. And now I’m back. The summer is so officially over, its not funny at all.