I have this tendency towards idle productivity. I notice this at my house first and foremost. At my house, there’s not a whole lot to do. I don’t have a TV, I don’t have a DVD drive on my computer (or a single DVD for that matter), I don’t have internet at my house and I don’t have anyone to talk to aside from the Lord and if I’m feeling delusional, any of the various lizards that come in to visit me. Because of that, I try to toil in the interest of growing spiritually. How many pod casts can I listen to tonight? How many chapters will I read in my book? Will I master any new worship songs on the guitar? All of these are good things, but I find that my mindset isn’t always coming from the best angle.
I want to be spiritually wise and grow in my relationship to the Lord. I know that sanctification is something that I’m supposed to continue to walk in and I truly want to be like Jesus. Furthermore, I’d love to just shelve out all these inspiring stories about Tanzania and wow people with the thoughts that go on between my ears (insert gag here). Because of those two things, I figure the best way to do that is to keep throwing stuff in my head and hope that it sticks. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be spiritually wise or wanting to encourage others. Those are good things and we should be spurring one another on. However, I’m realizing that the best way isn’t only listening to pod casts and reading spiritual formation books. These may lead me to a better belief and more thought out belief, but there’s something else that will make me more like Jesus.
I just finished the book Death by Church by Mike Erre. It was a really good read and I jammed through it. A couple weeks ago, I was cleaning out my closet (literally, not figuratively) and I came across another book that was a gift to me from my sister that I never read. I read the cover and felt inclined to read it. I however was in the middle of the Erre book and its not like me to read two books at once or put one on hold, that just wouldn‘t be productive. Instead I took another week or so to finish it before starting the other. Death by Church was a great read and I’ll have to go back over it again because of the meat, but I wish that I had taken the time to slow down and start the other one sooner.
The name of the book is Soul Craving and to be honest, its not the best book ever. Its good to be sure and I’m enjoying it. The author Joel Warne is good, but he’s not bulling me over or anything. We’re looking at about 3.5 stars in Living Social right now. But this book has a lot more to do with what the Lord was doing on this fast than any other I’ve read recently. He said something that really struck me as true, “we may say and think that we live by our beliefs, but at the end of the day, our longings shape our decisions more deeply than the things we believe to be true.” (page 26)
When I look at the world, I realize how entirely true that is. People are hypocrites. Of course, this label is often placed on Christians, often deservedly so, but the truth is everyone is a hypocrite. Pardon my generality, but we could all use a mirror right now. Why do people live so hypocritically? Because they set up mindsets of who they are and talk about that person, but then they allow their desires to rule them. And simply put, the desires often aren’t matched up with what’s coming out of the mouth.
That’s not remotely where I’m landing this thing though. Praise God, He has sent His Holy Spirit to regenerate us to become the people that we were supposed to be in the first place. People whose beliefs, actions, words and desires are directed towards the right Person. I feel like the Lord has been continuing and deepening that work in me over this fast.
I’m in love. I’m in love with my God. He’s in love with me too. Its quite incredible. As I walked to the shop to get some water this afternoon towards the end of my fast, I was expecting some deep, moving, long-winded prayer time. All that came out was “I love You, my desire is for You, Your desire is for me.” We are all in need of this truth to completely envelop us. My words on this paper will not suffice to scratch the surface of living in a love relationship with God. I hope that you know what I’m talking about.
This fast has brought about a deeper trust and He’s spoken to me, ever so softly yet ever so clear. The Lord led Ann to give me a scripture on Sunday; it is Isaiah 49. That night I read it during my devotional time and the Lord spoke to me powerfully. I coupled that with beginning the discipline of meditating and praying the scripture. So after I read it all on Sunday, I took a different section of it for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and spent time with those words, reflecting, praying and meditating.
“I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands” (v. 15-16). The Lord not forgetting me has been a theme for me this year. I wrote that post “I Have Not Forgotten You” back in February and reflected on how far the Lord had brought me to be in a church service with Awadhi. That same day Melissa emailed me telling me she felt called to TOA. The same words rang in my ears after I dropped her off at the airport and tears came to my eyes. On Sunday night, I was reflecting on this moments before opening this scripture. Sometimes, I feel forgotten here. I have less than expected contact with almost all of my loved ones in the states. Some of my closest friends have contacted me less times than I can count on a single hand. But you know what? The Lord has not forgotten me. Not remotely and He never will. After meditating I wrote “YHWH” on the palm of my hand and it was my reminder that I’m not going to forget Him and He’s not going to forget me.
“For they shall not be ashamed who wait for me” (v. 23). The biggest thing that I’ve been praying for during this fast has been my relationship with Melissa. When I pray, I am confident in what’s happening. When I talk to Melissa, I’m confident. Its when I talk to others or think about others’ thoughts that I start to trip out and think, “what if this doesn’t work out and I end up with egg on my face?” On Saturday the Lord gave me this realization that I’m waiting on the Lord as I was singing with the Treasures. I’m praying for my relationship with Melissa and also to walk in power I received in Asia. For those two things, waiting on the Lord is the best place to be. I won’t be ashamed and I will renew my strength (Isaiah 40:31).
“For I will contend with him who contends with you, and I will save your children” (v. 25). Not only is the Lord on my side and fighting for me, He will save my children. He has saved my children and will continue to do so. Right before I left TOA today, I had a profound sense of home. I was looking out over the field to see Antoni pushing Jeremia in the tire swing. The Lord has done a mighty work. These boys aren’t from the same place. One was born HIV+ and the other mentally handicapped. This country wasn’t able to do much for them, but the Lord called them, the Lord saved them, so that they can be brothers. So that they can have a home. The Lord will save not only these two sons of mine, but He will save all my children.
“All flesh shall know that I, the LORD, am your Savior; and your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob” (v. 26). Let it be Lord. You alone are worthy.
There is nothing like His presence, there’s nothing like having intimacy with Him. The change that the Holy Spirit goes to a place more powerful than our beliefs. We can toil in so many ways to try and advance His Kingdom and be the spiritually wise and prudent person that we are supposed to be through working at it. But the true change takes place, when we invite the Holy Spirit to change our desires and have them focus on the Lord and Him alone.
To end, I will steal this from Brennan Manning and invite you to take a moment and do this. Our desires change towards Him when we realize who He is and that He loves us and desires us. Speak this scripture aloud and pause to meditate on the truth that the Lord speaks over you.
Song of Solomon 7:10: “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is towards me.”
…for this we give praise.
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Closing Thoughts on the Fast: For those that are interested in knowing some of the specifics about the fast and how it went, I offer you this section… It truly went well. It was certainly different than any other fast that I’ve ever done. Not only because it was the longest, but also just the feeling of it. I was expecting it to be ultra intense and that the Lord would be yelling stuff at me the whole time, but that wasn’t the case. Intense is not the first word that I would use to describe it. The best word I would use is “deepening.” I know that the Lord was doing things to deepen my faith, my love and my desire for Him and His will in my life. I have a deeper confidence and trust in what He’s doing in my life and I will not be shaken. All parts of our life are to have faith involved. I have faith that more happened than I’ll be able to see with my physical eyes. That, however, is highlighted by the fact that I have indeed seen Him do things with my physical eyes and often in fasts, you don’t see those things until the fast is over. So I’m excited to see what else comes out of the fast, even though I just ended it.
Physiologically, I felt mostly okay. I was definitely hungry, that kind of goes without saying. Like I wrote in the post “Fasting,” from person to person and fast to fast, they just look different, that includes the spiritual and the physical aspects. My experience didn’t match up with others experiences. I was consistently hungry and never got to a point where I was either overtaken by hunger or to a place where I couldn’t go for something to eat. I guess I stayed in the middle. I’m sure I lost weight. Not because I weighed myself, but rather, because my pants have been falling off and I’ve had to use a shoe lace instead of a belt to keep them up. That was not remotely my intent and I look forward to putting it back on, especially since some of what I loss was muscle mass. A fast can’t be primarily about losing weight, it won’t have sustaining power. However, it can be a good side effect for those that need it. Almost as weird is as not eating was not getting rid of what I ate (to use a euphemism). Oddly enough, it took me only three and a half hours after eating to get that back on schedule too. It felt incredibly strange to end the fast after not eating a bite for so long, but you get over that. That’s mostly for spiritual reasons as opposed to physical ones though. I’m just trying to not over do it. Yeah, if you have any questions or anything hit me up.
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The Rundown. I’ll keep it brief. This week was incredibly normal. However, worship was amazing on Sunday. I have never felt so much freedom leading. I seriously felt like I was in the back of the service worshiping at The Garden, but I was in fact in front with my guitar and microphone and leading a bunch of people. It was incredible and an answer to prayer for sure. Awadhi returned to school this week and I look forward to picking him up tomorrow. Yeah, that’s enough. Be blessed!
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