Plans

“A man’s heart plans his way; But the Lord directs his steps” Proverbs 16:9

A seemingly common thing that Lydia and I have discussed both in regards to my time at TOA as well as the concept in general is that we as people love to try and figure things out in our heads. We love to plan and scheme and think how we’ll get ourselves in this position and then we can perform this task and so on. Perhaps one of the biggest things that living in Tanzania is teaching me, is that doing that is quite useless.

There was a time in my life when I was planning. I was planning a lot of things. I had one year left at Vanguard and I had a plan, a pretty good one I thought. I loved living in southern California, I loved working with kids, I loved my current schooling, I loved the girl I was a dating. Taking all those things, I came up with a good plan. I would finish my schooling, get engaged, get my teaching credential, get married, start teaching and settle down in sunny southern California. I planned from my heart, then the Lord directed me elsewhere.

With words that now seem both distant and close the Lord told me in a church service to go run an orphanage in Africa. And so began the Lord directing my steps. Five months later, my girlfriend broke up with me; I got overloaded with 40 units of schooling; friendships got strained; work reduced, so money did too. I was an emotional wreck and yet in the midst of it I began to have a heart for those that are oppressed, the kind of people that the Lord had begun to call me to. So much of that centered on the one boy that I began sponsoring, a three year old HIV+ Tanzanian orphan named Awadhi.

To make a long story short, one thing led to another and all of a sudden I’m in my tenth month of long term missionary work in Tanzania. To say the least, I’m a few steps down the road from that 2007 Father’s Day service calling at Rock Harbor.

I plan to continue making plans. That way as soon as I draw them out to the natural conclusion in my mind, I can throw them out and know not to expect that. You might want to do the same thing.

This includes my work at Treasures of Africa. Don’t be mistaken, I’m not talking about promises that the Lord gives you. Those you can count on. The Lord told me to go run an orphanage in Africa, that direction remains as the current ‘Z’ in my life. I’m not on ‘A’ anymore though. If I were to guess, I’d say I’m on ’H’ right now, as in “hanging in there.” The next step would be getting to ’M’ for “marrying Melissa.” The problem for me isn’t being able to see those definite things that will come at some definite point. Its how I get there. The ’Z’ is there, but I try to plan out how ’I’ through ’Y’ is going to look, or ’I’ to ’L’ for that matter.

Even after Melissa and I tie the knot and head back to Moshi, what comes right after ’M’? ’N’ and ’O’ as in “New Orphanage” (sorry I’m dragging this corny analogy out, the letters are just lining up too easily). I don’t know what any of its going to look like! And as soon as I see how something is going to happen, I cringe back because its not what I planned and thus not really what I want. I’ve got to learn to cope with these things and just get on board with whatever goes down.

When Rita and I sat down last summer and she offered me a position as Education Director at TOA with the plan to run the second children’s home in 3-4 years, that sounded like an amazing plan. I’m not sure how that’s going to play out though to be honest. As perfect as it seemed, I just have to realize that its going to look different than what I think. Living in Tanzania, in general, has looked different than I could have thought. That 3-4 years seems a bit more distant in light of our current plans to move Treasures of Africa #1 and the realization that we don’t even have the land yet, much less all the funds to develop it. One of the things that I was realizing more this week is how unprepared I am for my current position. Sure it looks great on paper, I have a degree, with honors might I add, in Education and I’m the Education Director. Ah, perfect fit…not. My degree was to prepare me to get credentialed in the states and teach elementary students in the states. And yet I find most of my time teaching going to early childhood education, ESL for a grown man and special education/speech therapy to a five year old, all of which is in Tanzania, a starkly different culture and education climate. Yeah, I was planning on something else.

I could really go on and on about different plans, or even lack thereof. I moved here and I didn’t envision, nor did I feel the Lord leading me, that I would be single for the rest of my life. So if that were to be the case, how would I get married ,or engaged for that matter? I didn’t know how it would look. Would a woman come here long term but doing a different job? Would I fall in love with a short term missionary? Would it happen in my first year? Within the first five? First ten? I had no idea. How could I? What the Lord did with me and Melissa and the subsequent decisions that were made indeed seem a bit out there to many people. But you tell me how it was supposed to look? I couldn’t have planned that, and I didn’t. That was the Lord and that’s His direction of our ways. And for anyone that might be thinking we are just being irrational or trying to get to greener grass, I’ll let you know that I was okay single! I wanted to be married at some point, but my complicated life just reached new complexity. I’m only 24, I’m only in my first year of mission work, I’m only now figuring out how to be on the mission field by myself. All of those are “rational” reasons to not get married only a year after meeting face to face. I thank God for the graciousness of my co-laborers at Hidden with Christ, because my actions do indeed warrant the title “loose cannon.” I am happy and blessed with all that the Lord did between me and Melissa, but trust that it was not my plan, it was merely a dream at best.

This week I found myself in a place that I didn’t plan on being, the hospital. Awadhi’s sickness was not only viral in his body, but on the internet as well. Many prayers were sent up for Awadhi and I’m happy to say that he came home on Wednesday after being admitted last Friday night following a fever-induced seizure. I went there every afternoon and evening while he was there and I hated to see him suffering. I know the Lord has better plans for Awadhi than being sick so often. While I may not have planned to spend so much time in the hospital this week, I can’t say that its uncharted territory for me. The room that he was in was the same room that I met him in in May 2008. I no longer have a romantic attachment to that room though. Its not a delivery room, it’s the children’s ward. A place that two children died in his first night there. I know that there’s a reason God is allowing this for now, but I know His coming plans are better than the previous experiences.

If I planned a special relationship with a child, like the father-son relationship that I have with Awadhi, I wouldn’t choose Awadhi. Its not logical. He’s deaf, he’s HIV+ and he’s too old, under the current Tanzanian law, for me to legally adopt. It makes no sense. But its not about my plans. The lack of logic is actually the beautiful part, not only for my relationship with Awadhi, but also my story with Melissa and every truly good thing the Lord has done in my life. There’s no logical or planned reaction for us when we see a flower and say its beautiful. Beauty is about the most irrational thing that I can think of, especially when you realize the purest beauty is found in the cracks of society and those things and places untouched by human alteration. When God does something its always good and its always beautiful. Before sponsoring Awadhi, there were millions of kids in Africa I could have chosen, even other Treasures. But God did something in my heart that led me to tears as I looked at that boy on the computer screen for the first time. I don’t know all the plans the Lord has for me and Awadhi or me and Melissa; or rather me, Melissa and Awadhi. I don’t know those plans, but I know that He does good things and I don’t want to miss out on those things, because I’m too busy planning my own things.

The Lord works out all things for the good of those who love Him and despite our useless planning, He is gracious enough to direct our paths, for this we give praise.

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The Rundown: A pretty rough week for the most part. I wrote and posted that blog on Friday which was the first day of my fast and then madness just went down. I had to do payroll on Friday since it was the first of the month, so I was stuck in my office most of the day staring at my computer screen getting a headache. Then I came home and not long after Jodie called me saying that she took Awadhi to the hospital after he had a seizure. Saturday was long and difficult. I skyped with Melissa that night and just unloaded on her. I also had to finish preparing for both worship and preaching at ICC on Sunday, but I wasn’t ready and it was already the night before. I went home and got something together. The next morning, it was only God’s grace that got me through the service. I enjoy preaching, but this didn’t seem like the best time for me to get up there. Nonetheless that was the exact time that the Lord wanted me to get up there and I delivered a word that He gave me a couple nights previous. When I say “a word” I mean when I preach ask God what to preach on and He gives me a word, like one word. “Vastness” was the word and I preached on the magnitude of God and how in light of it we shouldn’t worry. I’m not going to give it now though, it’ll become a blog at some point I’m sure. Monday and Tuesday were pretty normal, other than making the visits to the hospital. Awadhi got out on Wednesday, but that day was profoundly frustrating at work with just not feeling adequate for my responsibilities. Anyways, Thursday was better and I know God is with me. The fasting is going about as good as it could I guess. I haven’t used juice in a fast for a couple years and I think its making it much easier. Now that the first week is in the can, I’m going into uncharted territory. Keep praying for breakthrough! Dang, that was a long post and… I’m done.