Ideal

Awadhi had his “birthday” on the 8th of May. I put quotations because like all our children, we don’t have a birth certificate for him and “official” paperwork is often conflicting. Nonetheless, his celebrated birthday came around and now he’s “six” (he’s probably still five). We celebrated for him like we do for all our children, singing to him, a dessert of some sort and a prayer of blessing. We did it at lunch time and after that Lydia, Jodie and I went towards Arusha to see off a team that had been serving with Hidden With Christ. As the team took off for the airport, Lydia and I lingered and watched the wild animals that they kept at the resort/restaurant. I was reflecting on Awadhi’s birthday and thinking of my birthdays growing up and how starkly they differ. It just felt off. I was relating this to Lyd and she began to tell me how the Lord has taught her over the years how His ways are higher. She said how we do things in the states is not the ideal either and things are just different when God orchestrates them. I agree and am finding that out more and more as I live here.

Can you imagine a world that wasn’t fallen? Its quite mind blowing. No death, no sickness, no fatherless children, no poverty and so forth. In my reflection of working at TOA, I realize more and more that these kids need a father. Nonetheless, my coming here and adding a father hasn’t made the situation ideal. The Lord designed children to be in families: father, mother and children. That was what He designed when He created Adam and Eve and told them to be fruitful and multiply. Nonetheless, sin did enter the world and humans continue to choose it over the loving God that wants to restore His creation.

I suppose at this point a person would think a Treasure’s ideal situation would be to be adopted. Although, if this were a perfect world, orphans wouldn’t even exist in the first place and adoption wouldn’t exist either. There are some children’s homes and babies’ homes here that pursue adoption for their kids. For us its not something that we pursue. We are certainly not opposed to it and have had kids adopted out of TOA, but its not something where we are constantly trying to find adopting parents.

When sin enters into situations, things get really sticky and messy. Things are far from what they typically seem around here. When TOA was first started, the welfare office was very much against the idea of having Americans come in and start a children’s home. The head officer in Moshi told us that we would try to take kids away from their families and said all sorts of mad assumptions. After gaining report with them over the last four years or so, they have come around, but now its almost the opposite. They will have kids at their office and will do insufficient investigation, then we ourselves will go and find out that this child has such and such relative that is able to take care of them. Even now, we are only getting the real stories of kids that we have had for a while. This doesn’t seem to be ideal.

Adoption. More and more frequently, people ask me about my own plans of adopting Awadhi. I’ve been telling people about what the situation is currently. “I have to establish residency for a year before I can pursue it, so I must wait until my second year of being here” and so forth. Lydia had told me a few months ago that she had some information on it that I can have. I stuck it in my mind, but wasn’t necessarily in a rush, because I knew that I wasn’t able to pursue it yet. Nonetheless, I had been meaning to at least get it from her, but kept letting it slip.

Yesterday, I went out into the field after doing some work and I saw that Awadhi was crying. He came and climbed up into my arms and I could tell that he’d been having a rough day. Lydia was walking past and I asked her what was wrong with him, both referring to why he was crying at the moment and the doctor visit he had earlier in the morning. She said that the doctor put him on antibiotics, because his lungs are not doing very well. He’s had a cough for the last several weeks that hasn’t cleared up. The doctor also said that he needs to put on weight, which we know, yet he’s continued to lose weight. And there he was crying in my arms as I hear a bad report from the doctor.

After a little time in dad’s arms, he stopped crying and I played with him, Jerry and Justina. We were kicking the balls around and their favorite thing is for me to kick the ball up super high and then they retrieve it and kick it on the bounce. I kicked up Awadhi’s ball and when it landed, Jerry snuck in and kicked it. Awadhi got upset and then retrieved it. When he came back he was crying again. Normally, something minor like that won’t cause him to cry and seeing him so sad was wearing on me. As I was holding him, I was thinking about adoption and wanted to at least get that info from Lydia. So after he was okay, I went into her office and asked her about it. She pulled out some pamphlets from the file cabinet and gave one to me. As I read it, my eyes caught something very quick. I had heard of it before, but knowing that things aren’t always what they seem here, especially with government officials, I didn’t think too much of it. Yet, now I had the pamphlet from the Tanzanian Adoption Society in my hand and there it was: “Prospective adoptive parents must be at least 21 years older than the child.” We may not be sure exactly how old Awadhi is, but he’s not three and I am 24. Ideally, I would be three years older or I would have fallen for a younger child or he’d be younger or his biological mother wouldn’t have died and his biological father wouldn’t have gone insane. Heck, while we’re at it, he wouldn’t be HIV+ and deaf. This isn’t ideal.

Needless to say, the rest of the day was tough. It remained on my mind and the question of “now what?” dominated my thoughts. To be honest, I really don’t know what to do now as far as adopting him goes. Its in times like this that I have to check where my faith is really at. Why did I really come to Tanzania? I laid down very meaningful relationships to be here and the assumption was that the exchange would be to at least adopt Awadhi and start my own family. What if that goes out the window? The Lord called me here, but was my motivation unequally towards Awadhi as opposed to just obeying God? I have to ask myself that, because as much as I love my son, its more important to focus on my Father.

After I got home, I walked over to Ryan’s and soon we were off to worship with a team he’s had that is heading back to the states. I didn’t sing my lungs out during worship, but I sang some. I kept to my drumming, but it was mind that was really beating. Worship has a way to bring alignment in our thought patterns. As we began to sing about the Lord being all we need, it began to sink to deeper levels in me. God is all I need, what are the complete implications of that? That means I don’t need government sanctioning to do what is best glorifying to Him and most satisfying to me. That means I don’t need a wife or money. I don’t need full use of my body nor do I need to be in fear that He wouldn’t heal me. No matter what may come, God is all I need.

I don’t really know what this is going to look like, but God didn’t drop the ball. He’s still in control and His plan of glory will continue as I lay my life down. In any trial that comes upon me, the Spirit quickly reminds me two positional things and I praise Him for it. One, I chose the hard path so every single thing will be hard. A cross is a cross. I’ve talked about the cross in recent posts and this is part of my true cross. I have a son who is sick and I’m not able to legally adopt him, despite my intense love for him. My saving grace is sick and fatherless is not the final word spoken over him or me, but rather the resurrection will see my son completely healed and with a father, even legally Lord willing. The second thing I’m reminded of is that there’s no turning back at this point or any subsequent point. Could you imagine that? We had that great going away party at The Garden, we all cried and I said my goodbyes to almost every loved one of mine as I embarked on a multi-year venture into fatherhood, but something like this hits me and I just come back. I try to get back with my old girlfriend, try to get my children’s pastor job back, try to act like nothing happened and the last several months in Tanzania weren’t really anything. That’s not possible! It would contradict just about every good thing the Lord has put in my heart.

So there you go… I suppose if you asked me if I have a son, I’ll continue to say yes and if you follow that up with the adoption question, then I’ll just have to say that I’m waiting for the Lord’s direction and voice. I don’t want to waste my time doing something that He’s not speaking. Things may not appear to be ideal, but let us continue to trust in the God whose ways are higher and is in the process of making all things new, for this we give praise.

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The Rundown: After yesterday, the Lord has returned His peace into my spirit and I’m expectant that He’s at work in all of these things. Aside from all that, there are a few things to be quite joyful about. I actually had one of my favorite Independence Days for two reasons. Church was great. I led worship and it actually felt like Christ’s day of freedom as opposed to the countries. I realize and am thankful for blessings in the states, but there is no comparison to the freedom we have in Christ, thus my highest allegiance beyond comparison is to Him and His kingdom… sorry for the tangent. Anyways, church was great and after that we went over to Peter and Mary’s place for a big barbeque and it was a lot of fun. My favorite thing was praying for America, which is completely the best thing to do on such an occasion. The kids have now entered their final week of break and its been great having them around during the day. The books have been giving me a headache and a half, because of errors that were made previously that I’m having to reconcile. Please throw up a prayer for that. Lastly, and most excitedly, my good friend Kelli is coming tomorrow (Wednesday) and she’ll be here for a little while working with Ryan and I’m so stoked to have her here. She beat everyone else reading this to coming to visit me, the new challenge is to be second which is still quite admirable. Who’s next? Other than all that, things are normal. Be blessed!