Greeting

Karibuni! The Lord is good! My name is Brandon and the Lord has done mighty things in my life. I am a missionary in Moshi, Tanzania and God is doing good things for us here at Treasures of Africa Children's Home. This website was created to share that story with friends, family and supporters in the states. I also from time to time will share some thoughts on other stuff as well. Each of the entries are a story of what the Lord is up to and to Him be all glory. Please feel free to send comments and questions to me at bmstiver@gmail.com. Thanks for visiting the site and I hope the Lord blesses you as you poke around.

Peace and Grace,
Brandon Stiver

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Be

You know, we try to make our lives about a lot of things. For whatever reason, we often feel like we need to force things and make it work. We formulate these ideas in our heads about who we are, what we do and why our lives are significant. In so many ways, I’ve fallen into this over the last however long and it certainly hasn’t been the first time I’ve found myself in this useless striving. Lord, help me to stop doing this to myself.

Call it an identity crisis, call it image management, call it what you will, this is something that I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. This inclination probably picked up the most steam in high school. There is so much need for godly adults to be active in the lives of our youth, because I’ve seen this search in the states and I see it here in Tanzania as well. They are searching for identity and want to define themselves by what they do. I was the epitome of this. I wanted to be a skater. I wanted to be known as a skater. I sucked at skating. Even what little natural talent I had was severely overshadowed by my lack of gall (to keep it G-rated) due to fear of hurting myself. I would skate, but never progressed much. I instead grabbed the camera, stuck with my crew and wore the right threads. They have a word for what I was in the skating community, a poser. The truth hurts. I also went through this phase where I wanted to listen to the cool music, which to many “popular” kids (which in high school means “more valuable” kids) was punk music. I started to act as though that was what I liked. I listened to MxPx as a kid and that was my “in.” That was only one band though, I needed more. People needed to know that I liked the right bands. I had to convince people I do the right things. First I had to convince myself though. I actually remember writing in my personal journal (I don’t dare call it a diary, although it essentially was) that I was now into New Found Glory and Relient K. Ouch, there’s a confession for you. The truth is more pathetic than if it were actually true that I liked those bands. The truth is I had never listened to those bands, I just heard from a friend that they were cool. I have long since listened to them a little and I, in fact, strongly dislike their sound. So much of my high school was spent trying to convey an image surrounded by the things that I’m into and the things that I do.

I wish that I could say that upon leaving my adolescence behind, I became secure in who I am. The truth is though, I just found new masks to put on and the façade became more subtle. I truly went to deeper levels with the Lord in college and as I settled into who He was shaping me into, I found new ways to perform in front of others. In a group, I’ll tune out while you’re praying so that I can plan my own prayer that will blow everyone away. At church, I’ll volunteer for a bunch of stuff so that everyone will see my servant’s heart. I’ll sing the right songs in worship and close my eyes so you all know that I’m being intimate with the Lord. I’ll speak up in conversations so that people realize how wise I am. You get the point. Now I don’t want to discredit the Lord, because the truth is that in all those things, He would put my heart in the right places at times and it was worship to Him. But I couldn’t pretend as though there wasn’t this desire to perform in front of others weaved through it as well.


Now, I’m a missionary in Tanzania; a development of 2010 for those that have been keeping track. The audience that had been before me in that performance thread of my life has evolved and changed. The truth is, most people in Moshi don’t seem too impressed (as if they should have been). My kids are just my kids, most Tanzanians have their minds made up about who you are as soon as they see your skin color and the other missionaries are doing their own amazing things. So my audience had to switch to those in the states that hold whatever romantic view of those that live in foreign countries, such as myself. Therefore, I have to do good writing. I have to make good videos and take good pictures. My status updates have to be humorous and I have to make my blog site look good. I have to impress visitors from the states. Do, do, do.

I can’t deny that the Lord really is doing something and that often my intentions are pure and my worship is true, but its this performance thread that can and, at times, has derailed everything. For example, probably my highest calling as a human is to worship the Lord. A common way that we do that is through Spirit filled songs in a community setting. Over the last year, I in some ways have traded my heart of worship for proper musical instrumentation. I’ve grown as a drummer and a guitar player. When I drum alongside Ryan, I sometimes have so much fun drumming and singing that I tune out what the worship experience is about. The truth is, some of those times, I should have put my drum down and examined my own heart. I also have the honor to be a worship leader at a church here in Tanzania. Over the last four months, I’ve assumed the role of worship pastor for the second service at ICC. Several weeks ago, I taught the congregation the song “Happy Day” and it was beautiful to see them take to it and let their voices be heard. I was swept up into the moment of worship and forsook the microphone so that I could dance off to the side of the stage. I used to dance in the back of service at Rock Harbor and the Garden, but I had nowhere else to go at ICC but the front as I was already there leading the song. It was freeing, it was worship. I was fulfilling my calling as a worshipper of the most high God. However, subsequently, knowing that people saw me dancing during the upbeat song, I began to have this tug in my mind. As I play an upbeat song, my head tells me “if you want to do worship the right way so they’ll all see, you better get out there and dance.” Who was I dancing for? The Lord. Did it matter if other people saw? It shouldn’t have, but in subsequent times that thought did come across my mind and it mattered to me to whatever degree.

I took off the last few weeks from writing. I love writing. Up until this year, I didn’t think of myself as a writer. I thought a writer writes books. Whereas, I write blogs. It was important for me to take the time off, because I needed to refocus, repent and give it to the Lord again. I had gotten so caught up in the blogging culture that I lost my orientation as one that writes for the Lord first and foremost. Upon leaving my blog, figuring that everyone is as invested as me, I was going to suggest you all read Donald Miller’s blog while I was gone, because it’s a blog that I enjoy. Many times, he’s written about things that I’ve found interesting or spoke to what I was going through. It would figure that after I left my blog for a few weeks, he ended up doing the same thing and left a blog post explaining it. If writers had periods, I think Donald Miller and I would be on the same cycle (did I just lose my G-rating?). Anyways… I am going to continue to write, more importantly I’m going to seek the Lord to show me how to be a Spirit led writer and remove that thread that seeks after other people’s approval and interest. I want to testify, but I can’t keep confusing that with my number of blog hits, because that muddles the message and my intent.

It is a strange spot to be in, but I feel the Lord is helping me out of it and I pray that I don’t go back there. I want to live a life of being, not doing. I have been tiring myself out from all this doing and its only confused my identity more. I have tired myself out spiritually, mentally and physically and plugged myself up emotionally. Instead of allowing my work at TOA to flow out of being a son of God and a vessel of the Holy Spirit, I strived to do everything that would please Lydia. Instead of being a Holy Spirit led writer, I’ve been trying to write inspirational (or more accurately, popular) blogs. Instead of being a spiritual and truthful worshipper, I’ve tried to play guitar and sing well. That’s not the right way.

This led me to do the only appropriate thing. Repent. Repentance is so important and I’m astounded that I don’t do it more often. I had somehow fooled myself into thinking that I wasn’t that messed up, but the Lord has been gracious to show me the areas of my life that I haven’t given Him complete control. Here is the most significant thing that I wrote while I was off the blog… it is a confession.

I have committed the sin of performance.
I have wasted time striving.
I have put all I had towards the Kingdom, while losing focus of the King.
I have maintained an idle productivity.
I have ceased covering my thoughts in prayer, instead covering them in a vain inner dialogue centered on putting forth a false perception.
I have forgotten how to be, rather than do.
I have forsaken the Sabbath.
I have allowed discontent, dissatisfaction and frustration in my life.
I have quenched the Holy Spirit.
I have listened to and dwelt on lies.
I have passed the blame onto others.
Father forgive me.
I don’t know how to be or how to live.
Lord, please show me.
Amen

I don’t know how this lands with you, but I know, at times more apparent than others, this is something that we all struggle with. The Bible speaks about being and doing, but the doing always flows out of the being. Thus the being should be the focus, while the doing takes care of itself. I am a son of God, I am a vessel of the Holy Spirit, I am a disciple of Jesus, I am a worshipper of the Holy God, I am a friend, I am a father, I am a brother, I am a fiancé, I am a teacher, I am a sojourner in a foreign land, I am a writer of the testimony of Christ’s work in my life. By the grace of God, I’m learning to embrace these as fundamental truths of my existence and let the “do“ take care of itself. The Lord has spoken our identity over all of us and we aren’t called to toil or strive, but rather to relax and just be, for this we give praise.

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The Rundown: Well, needless to say a bit has happened over the last few weeks. I won’t bore you with all of those details. Christmas has come and passed by now. I saw one Christmas tree outside of the small fake one at TOA and saw Christmas lights on one house in all of Moshi. Yeah, it was a different feel to be sure. Christmas day was good and you should check my Facebook to see a video that I made of the festivities. It was great being with the kids, but I obviously missed loved ones in the states as well and all the traditions that I‘ve grown up with. The Lord has been gracious to me in having skype conversations with Melissa and we’ve been able to have important conversations over the last few weeks. We are both pretty much over being this far apart and having to rely on the internet though. That will be solved soon though as I’ll be leaving Tanzania in under two weeks and will be in California on the 11th of January. Totally nuts. More on that in the next blog. Be blessed!

1 comment:

  1. Dude. That is totally why I stopped writing a while ago. My drive for self-praise overpowered my drive for God to be praised. And, as always, this totally spoke to where I am. Stoked to see you man! Safe travels.

    ReplyDelete

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