Point of View

Sometimes its difficult to live in the tension between what is happening physically and what is happening spiritually. Sometimes its hard to believe, or even imagine, that there are so many spiritual realities happening right in our midst and we continually only see what happens in the natural. It can be discouraging and requires us to be in touch with the Lord just to find reprieve by looking through the eyes of the Holy Spirit.

Great Book! Highly suggest it.
Cover via Amazon

My small group just started to go through the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I read the book a few years ago and absolutely loved it, so I suggested it as a good study for us. We had our initial discussion on the first chapter this last week and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Small groups are great because they bring out beliefs and thoughts that we weren’t even conscious of until we were compelled to articulate them during the conversation. Such was the case this last Thursday. 

We talked about the throne room of God. Chan shares in the complimentary video about how when he starts praying he envisions God in His true form of glory. He asks the reader what our first words would be if we were to be right there in the throne room as Isaiah was in Isaiah 6. He then says that whatever the answer to that question is, that should be the same first response when we go to the Lord in prayer. Such a profound yet clearly accurate mindset put me in a humbling position. 


I shared with the group, that I really don’t do that the vast majority of the time. Rather, I pray from where I am. If I’m frustrated, I pray from frustration. If I’m sad, then that’s where I pray from. Even if I’m overjoyed, its as though I rush into the throne room without pausing to recognize the awesomeness of God in all His glory. I don’t pray from where God is, I pray from where I am.

Evil

A few weeks ago, America came to a pinnacle moment in the modern era. So much of what has happened in our country the last ten years has centered around the terrorist attacks of September 11th. From that day on, the man at the top of the FBI’s most wanted list has been Osama Bin Laden. Of course this man was the mastermind behind the heinous attacks of September 11th. He quite clearly was a man bent towards evil and his actions followed suit.


I was at Cody and Alaina’s when President Obama made that special announcement about how the Navy Seals infiltrated the compound and killed Bin Laden. It was undoubtedly a high moment for the US Military and the President himself. The president’s approval rating goes up and a wave of patriotism sweeps over the nation.

Image from www.washingtonpost.com 

Its an interesting occurrence though, when you really think about it. Americans became happy, because the Seals did to him, what he (and his terrorist group) did to us - killing. Now, I will say that I believe it is a good thing that he is gone, for the sole reason that it could, and probably will, lead to a lot of other people not being killed in any of his terrorist attacks. However, I struggle to “celebrate” his death, or any other person’s for that matter. The Lord wanted something other for that man, but he instead chose to do evil and hardened his heart against the Lord. He subsequently died unrepentant and is now eternally separated from the love and grace of His Creator. He was a wicked man, entirely sadistic and its better for him to be dead then for him to kill other people, but its still sad. His life wasn’t merely wasted, it was hell-bent against the Kingdom of God and that’s sad. I can’t imagine what a terrible pain it would have been to lose a loved one on September 11th. And while, I hope that this can help bring closure to those precious people, I can’t imagine that it does entirely. Because whether or not some evil man that aided in their loved one’s demise is killed in Pakistan, it doesn’t bring their loved one back. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth is far too much to ask in this situation because one man’s death isn’t equivalent to 3,000+.


I was having a conversation with Andy yesterday and we began to talk about man’s leaning towards evil. G.K. Chesterton says that that sin nature is the only part of our Christian doctrine that we can prove. I think that’s because we can take one look at the world, and realize just how much people have messed it up. This isn’t blaming it on “that person” or “that group of people,” its all of us, as humankind realizing that each of us have made decisions that were detrimental to ourselves and the world in which we live. In the case of a terrorist mastermind like Bin Laden, that’s an easy conclusion. But if in humility, we could really look at ourselves, we’d soon realize the pain that we’ve caused on ourselves and those around us. It may not be a mass murder, but its certainly not good. A person can kill others in far more ruthless ways than murdering them and none of us are above that.


One thing that Andy and I talked about is who we are when no one else is around. Its that age-old youth group proposition. Who are you when no one else is looking at you? We can all be great in the eyes of the people that see us in public settings, but we can do truly awful things behind closed doors. Whether it be a pornography addiction, slamming someone else online, suicide or any other evil that happens in private, we should realize that there is no end to the darkness we can go into.


And that common saying of “its not affecting anyone else” is just not true. The way that this world is designed is for people to inhabit it together. If you do something bad, that will negatively affect those around you. The reverse of that is equally true. If you are purchasing pornography and using it in private, that is feeding into an evil system that keeps other people, some willing and many not willing, enslaved to producing it. Furthermore, it will have a negative effect on your relationships, especially with your significant other, because you are becoming dissatisfied with them and perverting the way that you see them and the opposite sex in general. Evil spreads very easily.


And yet in this post-modern culture, people don’t want to call it like it is. I was watching the Colbert Report a few weeks ago and a man came on and was talking about a book that he wrote called “The Humanist Bible.” Clearly this man isn’t a Christian, and I’m not particularly offended by the title of his book or the contents of it. Not only because the word “bible” simply means “book,” but also because there’s no point in getting offended by non-believers, they simply don’t hold the same views as me and I can’t judge them according to things they don’t believe in (my job is to merely try and show them the Light and the freedom that I‘ve found in Jesus, before they are judged by Someone else). Anyways, he talks in the opening section about “good and its opposite.” Its interesting, he doesn’t even want to say the word “evil.” We’d like to plug our ears, close our eyes, and pretend that its not there, but how else can you explain that the twentieth century was the bloodiest century in the history of mankind? Evil exists and we must do something about it other than turning a blind eye to it.


For followers of Christ, its not enough to just get by with our salvation and punch our ticket it to heaven. Those are great things, but faith in Jesus is so much more than that. Our relationship with Him is a relationship with a General. When the Old Testament talks about God being the “Lord of Hosts” its talking about Him being the Lord over an angelic military that fights in the heavenly realm which manifests in the physical realm. We are at war with evil and we need to be more gung-ho in that pursuit. The soldier that’s revered is the one that moves in boldness and gives his entire being to the cause, whether that is in life or in death. The enemy is out there and he’s so wicked and he’s tormenting people. And our own sin nature and the evil from within is only making matters worse. We must take this seriously.


Praise be to God that He has overcome and He is overcoming. Praise Him for conquering sin and evil on the cross. He has called us into this fight for good and equipped us with His Spirit that we too may be more than conquerors, for this we give praise.

Expectations

This last week has flown by and to be quite honest its been a tough week for us. A lot of things didn’t go according to plan. Certainly not the least of which was losing the ring, but the hits didn’t stop there. It was a painful week for Melissa recovering from her eye surgery, as well as some additional financial hits and frustrations with wedding plans not going to plan. I often say that things in Tanzania just don’t ever go according to plan, well, this week California’s proving to be the same way. I think part of being human is building up high expectations and then being taken aback when such things don’t go according to what we thought.


Quite fittingly this was holy week - the week that we celebrate the most important event in history and the crowning work of Jesus’ ministry on earth.  I sat in church last week on Palm Sunday and was reminded of all that the day meant. I had trouble following where the preacher was going and I couldn’t help but think about the people that greeted Jesus waving those palm branches. They had some lofty expectations of what Jesus was about to do.

I question the historical likelihood of Jesus riding side saddle sticking his right arm in front of Him as He rode. Image via Wikipedia

Do you ever wonder why the people were waving palm branches as Jesus entered Jerusalem? It was a symbol referring to Judas Maccabeus’ victory over the Syrian Seleucids that were occupying Jerusalem almost 200 years before Jesus took his donkey through the city that day. The palm branch was his sign of victory and was stamped on their coins. The revolt was, as all revolts are, a violent affair. The Maccabean Revolt is still revered in the Jewish religion and celebrated through the winter celebration of Hanukkah. It was even fresher in the Jews’ minds during the first century and they were looking forward to what they thought Jesus would do in overthrowing the oppressive Roman government. They basked in their heritage and waved a symbol of military victory as yelling to Jesus, “Hosanna!” “Save us!”


Funny how it was these same crowds that were riled up by the priesthood to have Jesus nailed to a cross only five days later. Fickle? Perhaps. But it goes deeper than that. These people were expecting him to do a mighty work. While He may have never exhibited violence towards people (let some tables have it in the temple though), the people recognized that He was indeed powerful - powerful enough to do a number to the Romans. Imagine their surprise and disgust when only five days later, this supposed prophet, was on trial for blasphemy. Safe to say that their previous expectations were unmet and the result was a historic upheaval.

Be

You know, we try to make our lives about a lot of things. For whatever reason, we often feel like we need to force things and make it work. We formulate these ideas in our heads about who we are, what we do and why our lives are significant. In so many ways, I’ve fallen into this over the last however long and it certainly hasn’t been the first time I’ve found myself in this useless striving. Lord, help me to stop doing this to myself.

Call it an identity crisis, call it image management, call it what you will, this is something that I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. This inclination probably picked up the most steam in high school. There is so much need for godly adults to be active in the lives of our youth, because I’ve seen this search in the states and I see it here in Tanzania as well. They are searching for identity and want to define themselves by what they do. I was the epitome of this. I wanted to be a skater. I wanted to be known as a skater. I sucked at skating. Even what little natural talent I had was severely overshadowed by my lack of gall (to keep it G-rated) due to fear of hurting myself. I would skate, but never progressed much. I instead grabbed the camera, stuck with my crew and wore the right threads. They have a word for what I was in the skating community, a poser. The truth hurts. I also went through this phase where I wanted to listen to the cool music, which to many “popular” kids (which in high school means “more valuable” kids) was punk music. I started to act as though that was what I liked. I listened to MxPx as a kid and that was my “in.” That was only one band though, I needed more. People needed to know that I liked the right bands. I had to convince people I do the right things. First I had to convince myself though. I actually remember writing in my personal journal (I don’t dare call it a diary, although it essentially was) that I was now into New Found Glory and Relient K. Ouch, there’s a confession for you. The truth is more pathetic than if it were actually true that I liked those bands. The truth is I had never listened to those bands, I just heard from a friend that they were cool. I have long since listened to them a little and I, in fact, strongly dislike their sound. So much of my high school was spent trying to convey an image surrounded by the things that I’m into and the things that I do.

I wish that I could say that upon leaving my adolescence behind, I became secure in who I am. The truth is though, I just found new masks to put on and the façade became more subtle. I truly went to deeper levels with the Lord in college and as I settled into who He was shaping me into, I found new ways to perform in front of others. In a group, I’ll tune out while you’re praying so that I can plan my own prayer that will blow everyone away. At church, I’ll volunteer for a bunch of stuff so that everyone will see my servant’s heart. I’ll sing the right songs in worship and close my eyes so you all know that I’m being intimate with the Lord. I’ll speak up in conversations so that people realize how wise I am. You get the point. Now I don’t want to discredit the Lord, because the truth is that in all those things, He would put my heart in the right places at times and it was worship to Him. But I couldn’t pretend as though there wasn’t this desire to perform in front of others weaved through it as well.

Sin

Last week as I was in the hospital room, sitting at Awadhi‘s bed, I had a thought that was resounding in my head. You hear so many statistics about the ways disease and death ravage third world countries, specifically sub-Saharan Africa. As I was there in that room at Kilimanjaro Christian Medical Center, those numbers grew faces again as I realize that there are children in this ward that aren’t going to come out. I heard the cries of a family mourning just outside of Awadhi’s room in the hallway; a woman crying out loud over some child’s death, possibly hers. And this thought was resounding in my head: “Why don’t we realize the impact of our sin?”

This world has a major problem. This world is in sin. The impact of that results in all the woes that you can think of in this world. You name the ailment and its source is in sin; disease, dissatisfaction, shame, poverty, loneliness, death. When Adam and Eve chose to disobey God, which is the definition of sin, the consequences were severe and every aspect of their lives were changed as shame, poverty and death entered the world.

Himalayas Post #2 - Truth

Written on September 3rd, 2010

So many people in this world are seeking after truth. Surely, there are many, like so many in the west, that have given up on the search, saying that such findings are unattainable. So many of them have gotten discouraged, because as soon as they believe they’ve found truth, someone else contradicts and says that it is wrong. At best, many people have resorted to living by “what’s true for you.” However, in light of very simple logic and the very nature of all that is, that can’t be true. If what you say opposes what I say, one of us must be wrong. Indeed, we could both be wrong, but we can’t both be right. I am aware that such logic falls on deaf ears in a post-modern world, but it is valid nonetheless. Many a philosopher and theologian, much wiser and more articulate than me, have wrestled with the big questions of how did we get here and what do we do now. Here’s a portion of my attempt…

You’ll have to forgive me, I have no intent of being politically correct or soft on what I’ve found to be true in this post. You can try to see my perspective and realize that if I didn’t believe it was true in its entirety, what would be the point of believing it in the first place? My position towards anybody referred to in this post is love. Sometimes love includes sharing of truth. My unbelieving friends, whom I love, may prefer another post on something like social justice, like I’ve done in the past. That is an important part of living out the Gospel and being a part of God’s Kingdom. But its not enough, we must also share eternal truths that we’ve found. I can become a father to an orphan, but if I never tell my son the truth of the Gospel, I’ve only blessed him a little in this life time and profit him nothing for eternity.

So let’s get at the truth… While so many others have given up on truth, I truly admire the search of the people in the nations that we’ve been in for the last couple weeks. To be sure, we’ve met with and been able to encourage my brothers and sisters in the church that Christ is building up here. However, these two countries are largely ruled by Hinduism and Buddhism.

Death

I was at a party with many of my friends and it was if I was looking at myself from an above head third person. I found myself talking with a larger man that reminded me of John Candy. He was walking with me and giving me a detail by detail account of how I would die. As he was speaking, he said “and then I will step away from you” and as he said that he stepped away and at that moment, we both fell over dead. I was shot in the head, but I don’t know where it came from. My body laid crumbled on the ground. My spiritual self rose out of my body and walked out the door, somehow with a body of its own. I was now in first person view and made a phone call to 911. I explain to the operator what happened and told her that my physical body was dead. I tell her that its okay. “I have Jesus in my heart and I’m going to Heaven now.” I ask her to send the police. I sit down outside and wait to go up to Heaven. My friend Dusty comes outside and I can’t tell if he can see me or not. I call out to him and he tells me that he also called 911, but the police aren’t coming because they don’t believe us being as it is Halloween. I go back inside and sit on the couch. I continue hanging out with my friends and contemplate my confusion on whether or not I’m actually dead. There’s a knock on the door. People tell me to hide in case it’s the cops and they find me alive. I remain confused on whether or not I died. The door opens and my friend Kelli comes in with three guys in Halloween masks. Kelli sits next to me and the other guys speak with the other party goers. The scene goes on… at some point during my sleep, I remember explaining to someone to not put grease down the sink.

A few months ago I read a book about the way the Lord speaks to us in our dreams and I’ve begun journaling them and indeed have been learning from them. This is a dream that I had Thursday night/Friday morning. I was talking with the Lord and while I don’t understand all the elements, He did enlighten me to this idea of dying to self and its been something on my heart a lot lately.

The Bible is an amazing book, you should read it. There are some incredible things in there and it gives us the very heart of God portrayed through the lives and words of saints past. The Lord has been giving me revelation over the last couple weeks and I think that it is a good word to remember for me and everyone else that desires to follow Jesus. A couple of weeks ago I wrote about sacrifice and I’m thinking about what it looks like to take that action to the highest degree. To sacrifice to the point of death. This could mean a physical death and for many Christians past and in this present age, that’s absolutely asked of them, they undergo martyrdom faithfully. And yet there is also this whole dying to self thing. What do you think that looks like?

Emotion

I emailed a little with Darren (my pastor back in Long Beach) this week and he was asking about my time here. A specific question he asked was “how are the emotional ups and downs?” I’ve learned a few rote answers for people when they often ask me the same question. My typical answer regarding my emotions is that they are drastic, when they’re up, they’re sky high, when they’re down, they’re in the dirt. To be honest I don’t understand them and its entirely frustrating when I can’t shake a feeling.

Yesterday, I played soccer out on the pitch with some Tanzanians and followed it directly with playing my normal Sunday night basketball. When I got home last night, I was exhausted. Not after long, I was in my bed having my devotional and found myself too tired to pray. I rarely only pray in my head, there’s too much going on in there. But speaking out loud just seemed like too much effort. As I laid there, a feeling set in on me and I can’t put words to it. It didn’t feel good. I managed to start praying and went through my Sunday list of people to pray for and any other things that came to my mind. I went to sleep and hoped that I would feel refreshed in the morning and feel good to start another week.

Unfortunately, its pretty much stuck with me to this point. It almost feels like an exhausted longing. I don’t know what or who I’m longing for, but that’s what it feels like. Maybe I’m just not close enough to the Lord. I do feel His presence normally, but my mind is getting in the way of His voice or He’s just being quiet right now.

Answered Prayers

Like most things in my life here, my spiritual life has been flipped upside down and I’m searching for categories to place things. As if prayer weren’t hard enough to understand as it is, just focusing during times of prayer now has become one of the most elusive things for me to accomplish during my quiet times. And despite my own distractions and inability to “speak the right words” to Him, prayer is still a two way street and I’m seeing more and more how the Lord makes sure to hold up more than His side of the exchange.

My first night in my house here was one marked by prayer. I was pleased to come in and see my house furnished with borrowed furniture, but there was no bed yet and no mosquito net. I pulled the cushions off the couch and placed them on the floor in my living room to go to sleep. January is the middle of summer here, so it was a bit hot, so I slept in my normal attire of shorts and no shirt. Little did I know that I was about to be engaged in warfare. Prayer. Warfare. You know what comes next… I got LIT UP by mosquitoes. I started putting on more and more clothes, pulling my hood all the way over my face to the point where all that was somewhat exposed were my hands and that was unintentional as I was asleep. The Bible says that our tongue has the power to both bless and curse. In high school I had a potty mouth from time to time, but I was literally cursing these mosquitoes, like telling them to just die. I was laying there just praying that God would just kill these stupid useless mosquitoes. Well, He didn’t kill them and the next morning I woke up with about ten to fifteen bites on each hand and also got a bit on my ankles.

Its kind of interesting to think about prayer. We can pray in faith and expect results, but that doesn’t make life easy and after one problem is solved, another one pops up. I don’t know what to make of this necessarily, but often I say in my prayer “Lord, it would be good if __________, because ________” like “Lord it would be good if this stupid internet would just be fast enough so that I can get this stupid YouTube video to upload, because then people back in the states can see what our kids are up to and they might pray for us or donate.” Sometimes, the video uploads, sometimes it doesn’t. I think it would have been good for me to not get attacked and have an ultra itchy hand the next day after sleeping in my house that night, but it didn’t happen. Perhaps there is a level of vanity too something like YouTube videos and mosquito bites, but all the same, doesn’t God want to do good things?

I don’t claim to have any answers to why those things don’t happen and I don’t know how this whole prayer thing works. The Lord will accomplish His will on earth. He does it through our prayers and actions. But He doesn’t “need” us necessarily, He chooses to use us. But if we don’t do our part, He makes up for it. Sometimes we pray and nothing happens. Sometimes we pray one thing and the opposite thing happens. Sometimes we pray and exactly what we prayed for happens. I remember talking about prayer in youth group and I remember my youth pastor saying, “when you pray, God either says ‘Yes,’ ‘No’ or ‘Wait’” At the time that seemed so profound to me, now looking back I think about what happens if one of my kids asks me for something, what do I say, ‘Ndiyo,’ ‘Hapana’ or ‘Subiri’ (sometimes I say ‘labda’ but I don’t think God says that). Wow, okay that’s helpful then.

You all ready to hear some truth? The Lord DOES hear our prayers. It does make a difference. When we pray, things shift in Heaven and Earth and good stuff happens. We don’t understand it completely, but that’s okay. Stop and think about what you are doing… you are speaking with a transcendent infinite being who created the universe and loves you like a father… are we expecting to understand that? What’s more than that is that the Lord does answer our prayers and when He does He has a flawless record of coming through on His word. I am writing this in Tanzania, because the Lord answered my prayer and I thank Him for that.

On Wednesday, Lydia and I met together to just talk about how my first month and a half of actual work at TOA has gone and what things we can be doing and working on and everything. I had a meeting with my incredibly godly boss essentially. We of course talked the technical stuff of work detail. But I was also telling her how grateful I am for her and Jodie and Eli. She went on to return the gratitude and she told me that I am specifically an answer to prayer. It took a special grace for her to do the books and seeing the kids (especially the little ones) learning English has been something critical to running this place, but it was outside of her ability because of everything else that needed to get done. She prayed that someone could come and do these things and the Lord sent me here. The Lord orchestrated something beautiful. Three years ago, three women came here and started an orphanage. That summer, the Lord first called me here and I soon thereafter found out about this place specifically. It soon became a prayer of mine that the Lord release me to come here and start down the path of running an African orphanage. Lydia was the Education Director who became interim Program Director who went back to be Education Director who went back to interim Program Director who became permanent Program Director. Ryan and Stacy came through during that time. For a year in there, a man named Warren came here and fixed the booking system. All this stuff was happening here and I was in California praying that the Lord would release me here. Then in a beautiful moment, Rita offered me a position at TOA and after answering the prayers for a children’s pastor in Long Beach, I returned here and the culmination of many prayers took place. Wow.

One more story…

My senior year of college, I took 40 units altogether so that I could graduate on time with no outstanding units. Because my school schedule was so strenuous, I had to drastically cut back on my hours working at the city. That didn’t mean that my cost of living went down though, so I had to pay for things with my credit card. After I graduated and started working more regularly, I went back to mostly using debit, but I wasn’t really able to make much of a dent in the credit card payment as I was paying back my loans and rent and food and everything else. I stopped using it eventually, but couldn’t pay more than the minimum most months. I prayed and fasted for my financial situation. I dared to pray that the Lord would pay off all my debt (credit card and loans) within a year of my graduation. I only told Clesi and Ashley up til right now, but I prayed, gave generously regularly, and fasted asking the Lord to pay off all my debt before May 2009. The evening of April 30th, Ash and I were literally on top of Triangle Square in Costa Mesa looking through planters for $50,000. Didn’t find anything. So did the Lord just not hear our prayers, not see the fasting? I don’t think so. In the words of my wise youth pastor I think He just said, “wait.” This week, an answer came to $3,500 of my debt. In an act of submission to the Spirit and joyful generosity, a friend of mine has taken over the remaining balance of my credit card. A friend who is already an AMAZING supporter of mine and already had a great impact on me while I was living in California. This friend is a beautiful answer to my prayers and I trust the Lord has something special for them.

Pray. He hears you. He loves you. He has good things for you. If you are discouraged in your praying, ask the Holy Spirit to do His work of encouragement. I stand in the blessed prayers of yesterday and I hope that the next season bears wonderful fruit that I prayerfully sow today.

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The Rundown: This week has been good. Last Sunday I helped Lauren move some stuff for another missionary and after that I swam with her and Ronda at their place. Its just nice to hang out with friends and I’m blessed that they were both my roommates over the summer. Monday, I was over at Lydia and Jodie’s for dinner. They are not only hospitable but the food is BOMB! Wow, chicken pot pie with mashed potatoes and gravy. Its like I’m back in the states. I’ve been able to hang out with those short termers a few time so that’s been cool. Discipleship was good on Tuesday, small group was good on Wednesday and worship was really good on Thursday. Yeah, other than that not too much going on. Emails, messages and comments always welcome

Reality

This summer New Life Foundation had a New Zealand team come to serve in Moshi. Since we were also serving with NLF, our paths crossed a little while they were here. They were kind, but a little quirky. The leader was speaking during the morning devotional one day and he asked a somewhat rhetorical question. As he paused for the implied answer, he then burst out and said “Jesus is always the answer!” I smirked, then leaned over to Ann and asked her what one plus one is.

I know Jesus is the answer. I just don’t understand reality at times. There are transcendent truths that I know. God is good. God is holy. God is love. God is gracious. God is unfathomable. And so on. But I don’t always get life or why things happen like they do. All the truth about reality that has ever existed from 1+1 to awe-inspiring beauty to the heavenly truths that are too lofty for humans to comprehend are all within one God as three Persons. I even know apologetically, the problem of evil and so on. I know this. I live this and these truths effect me beyond putting the words on paper. Yet, life is a little more tricky than a theology course.

This month marks two years since I started sponsoring Awadhi. Along with my monthly financial sponsorship, came my prayers. I have positively affected Awadhi’s life with my prayers. One year is 365 days, two years makes 730, I have prayed and do pray for him every morning and every night since I started sponsoring him. This isn’t including other prayers, but lets go with the minimum here. I have prayed for the same person, a five year old Tanzanian orphan, over 1400 times. I don’t say this to boast, this is God’s plan and there is nothing more important that I do in a day than pray for Awadhi and there is nothing I enjoy more either. The first time I did a week long fast, I was solely focused on praying for him and his healing. The second week long fast, Clesi and I prayed for many things and people, none more important to me than Awadhi. I count sister Clesi among my closest spiritual advisors and it was at the end of that fast as we were driving home (after punishing/rewarding ourselves with Chipotle) that she shared with me a word of knowledge and a change in direction for Awadhi. She told me that the Lord had heard our prayers and seen our fasting and He would now be healing Awadhi from the inside out. I would fast for much longer just to get those words that He so graciously spoke through my dear friend. Tears came to my eyes in light of God’s grace. Awadhi is important to me. His healing is important to me.

Now I live here. Its wonderful. Its exactly where I want to be and I am so excited that I don’t have to leave anytime soon. And yet, there is some frustration here. I do trust in the Lord’s timing, but we are getting close to a critical point for Awadhi. Friday as I returned to Moshi for the weekend, I walked to TOA to get my piki and say hi to the kids briefly. I was greeted at the carport by Lydia and Jodie. They had had themselves a day and a half. Things in Tanzania are different. I don’t say this in the cute way, or it’s just a difference in culture. There are some messed up things that go on here and a lot of the reason people suffer here, like anywhere else, is because of their own sin.^[i] Lydia had been dealing with a very mean Tanzanian woman who was threatening to turn off our electricity for no reason. Also, we are trying to figure out Awadhi’s education plan and stuff for that had come up, because hearing aids are up in the air and its hard to get him in places because he is HIV+. I stood there and listened to Lydia, who is an amazingly strong woman in the Lord, tell me that with Anjela passing and the chance of having to send Awadhi to a boarding school for education, she fears she is doing something wrong as the director. I told her that that was not it, but I couldn’t tell her why this is happening. I don’t get this reality.

Furthermore, it is a tough pill for me to swallow to think that after all my time in the states and all that the Lord did to bring me here, and the significant role that my son played, for me to get here and then for Awadhi’s best option to learn is for him to go off to boarding school. So no longer would it be, I see him everyday, but rather I see him every weekend at best. That sucks. When Lyd told me last month about Awadhi’s education, the thing that I’ve kept praying is “Please, Lord, allow another way than having to send him off.” And now I don’t know. I don’t get this reality and I continue to pray that with the coming events of the week, the Lord provides another way.

I woke up Saturday morning, I was at peace and also prayerful because of the things that were on my heart. I had another confusing dream the night before (I’ve had like four on the same issue this week) and also I was thinking about Awadhi and I prayed that when I got there today that the moment I touched him, that it would bring about his healing finally. That didn’t happen.

I’ll tell you what did happen though. The kids, me, Lydia, Jodie and a few of the caregivers went to the banda and worshiped this afternoon. We rejoiced and sang. The two year olds led some, the older kids led some and we all worshiped and laughed and played before the Lord, including Awadhi. That boy wants to talk, he wants to sing. Anapiga kelele. He shouts. He makes noise. The kids get in a line and do their dance and he gets right in there with them. And while he may have faint hearing, he can’t hear his own laugh or his father’s voice.

Faith is the currency of life here. Just because its been over 1400 prayers, many days of fasting, thousands of miles traveled, 56 hours so far at language school and countless hugs and kisses, laughs and tears and he still hasn’t been healed, I will still pray. We will still pray. We don’t lose hope. We pray and hope that the higher reality, where sickness doesn’t exist, will come down to this world and touch him. We take in faith what has been spoken over Awadhi. Until then, we rejoice, we praise, we will dance upon the injustice and look forward to the good report of God’s hand nailing all his sickness to the cross and the resurrection of Awadhi’s blood and hearing.

^[i]I am more than aware of the beauty of this place as well (I moved here for crying out loud!) I love this country and the people in it. Some of the most wonderful people and believers I know are Tanzanian. I just get frustrated at times, when people get so wrapped up in “Africa” and “Africans” and don’t acknowledge that SIN is a humongous problem here and its not only Joseph Kony. Yes, we are African, we dance and rejoice in worship, but we also struggle with holiness and some Africans are very mean. Hey, I used a footnote. Is that allowed in blogging?

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The Rundown: Two weeks of language school are in the can and I look forward to life in Moshi as opposed to Usa River, which will happen after one more week. Language school has been good, but it wears me out. I love talking and being friends with non-believers, but this time at language school is the first time that I don’t have fellowship with believers to go with my non-believer relationships. That can be taxing because its like no one gets close to knowing who I am deep down. At any rate, I do like the people I am studying with and I had a really good conversation with Stefano the other day and I was able to witness some. I am in Moshi right now. I had dinner Friday night at the Helblings, which is so great. I love that family. Saturday, I was getting settled into life at TOA some and also spending time with the kids and everyone else. I am very much enjoying my mode of transportation around which is the pikipiki (a motorized scooter). All the kids are good and we had fun playing. Although I may have over done it with my elbow. It still hasn’t healed all the way from when I hurt it on New Year’s Day! This morning, I went to ICC again and I am continuing to walk in church life in Moshi as opposed to just visiting churches as it was when I was only here on short term trips. Last week, I was unexpectedly asked to bless the congregation with the final prayer of the service and this week I was unexpectedly asked to help lead worship on the ashika right before service started. Its all good. Thats church here and I like the spontaneity. Still no Facebook and its adding to my frustration. I don’t want to start over with a new profile, but if I don’t hear back from them in the next week, I’ll probably just make a new one even if it complicates restoring my old one. Please do email me though, I check it consistently. I guess that’s life right now. Thanks for all your prayers, family!