Death

I was at a party with many of my friends and it was if I was looking at myself from an above head third person. I found myself talking with a larger man that reminded me of John Candy. He was walking with me and giving me a detail by detail account of how I would die. As he was speaking, he said “and then I will step away from you” and as he said that he stepped away and at that moment, we both fell over dead. I was shot in the head, but I don’t know where it came from. My body laid crumbled on the ground. My spiritual self rose out of my body and walked out the door, somehow with a body of its own. I was now in first person view and made a phone call to 911. I explain to the operator what happened and told her that my physical body was dead. I tell her that its okay. “I have Jesus in my heart and I’m going to Heaven now.” I ask her to send the police. I sit down outside and wait to go up to Heaven. My friend Dusty comes outside and I can’t tell if he can see me or not. I call out to him and he tells me that he also called 911, but the police aren’t coming because they don’t believe us being as it is Halloween. I go back inside and sit on the couch. I continue hanging out with my friends and contemplate my confusion on whether or not I’m actually dead. There’s a knock on the door. People tell me to hide in case it’s the cops and they find me alive. I remain confused on whether or not I died. The door opens and my friend Kelli comes in with three guys in Halloween masks. Kelli sits next to me and the other guys speak with the other party goers. The scene goes on… at some point during my sleep, I remember explaining to someone to not put grease down the sink.

A few months ago I read a book about the way the Lord speaks to us in our dreams and I’ve begun journaling them and indeed have been learning from them. This is a dream that I had Thursday night/Friday morning. I was talking with the Lord and while I don’t understand all the elements, He did enlighten me to this idea of dying to self and its been something on my heart a lot lately.

The Bible is an amazing book, you should read it. There are some incredible things in there and it gives us the very heart of God portrayed through the lives and words of saints past. The Lord has been giving me revelation over the last couple weeks and I think that it is a good word to remember for me and everyone else that desires to follow Jesus. A couple of weeks ago I wrote about sacrifice and I’m thinking about what it looks like to take that action to the highest degree. To sacrifice to the point of death. This could mean a physical death and for many Christians past and in this present age, that’s absolutely asked of them, they undergo martyrdom faithfully. And yet there is also this whole dying to self thing. What do you think that looks like?

Something to Say

From time to time, I fancy myself as a writer. Call it pride if you will, but its probably mere delusion. Here’s another attempt at something meaningful…

When I was back in California, I taught kids at church. I was in a groove and whether it was Rock Harbor, Pacific Pointe or The Garden I could step in and teach the kids something about Jesus and their lives. It was fairly easy. I would have a curriculum and I would fill it out with my own ideas. Even if I was making my own curriculum like I did for the junior highers at PPC, it was more of a give and take discussion so the teaching just came naturally. I’m no longer a children’s pastor, junior high pastor or Sunday school teacher and trying to impart anything to anyone seems to have gotten harder.

Last Saturday, I preached at Pastor Unity’s Youth Conference. Sunday I preached at ICC. When did this start happening? In the states, I’m not a preacher. Culturally I realize that Tanzanian Christians want to honor Americans and feel like they could get something from us spiritually. That is true, but its far from automatic. An American is just as likely to get up there and blow a bunch of hot air as a Tanzanian, conversely a Tanzanian is just as likely to stand up and deliver a moving sermon. And yet I’m an American, although I’m young and don’t have seminary experience, I’m now a default preacher (and elder apparently).

Gaze

A transcendent truth exists over my head...

I wake up with a faint thought of the word that was said

Find myself in a field where the fog always rolls

Rise to my feet and feel pain in my soles

I stand to take in this land enveloped in a cloud

Prepare for the task before me, I gather my shroud

Then I see two cubs before me, playing in the brush

One cries out loud and the other's at a hush

They play for a moment then the silent one spots me

There's a power in his eyes that he can't even see

I'm overcome with emotion as I look in his face

And anticipate the event, ordained to take place

And for that quiet moment with our eyes locked

The fog escapes our line and the sight is unblocked

And that gaze is the evidence of things unseen

And remember the reality of the word in the dream

In that I take courage and on this path I begin

Knowing the fog is subject too as I go to talk with the Wind

Brandon Michael

June 15th, 2010

Emotion

I emailed a little with Darren (my pastor back in Long Beach) this week and he was asking about my time here. A specific question he asked was “how are the emotional ups and downs?” I’ve learned a few rote answers for people when they often ask me the same question. My typical answer regarding my emotions is that they are drastic, when they’re up, they’re sky high, when they’re down, they’re in the dirt. To be honest I don’t understand them and its entirely frustrating when I can’t shake a feeling.

Yesterday, I played soccer out on the pitch with some Tanzanians and followed it directly with playing my normal Sunday night basketball. When I got home last night, I was exhausted. Not after long, I was in my bed having my devotional and found myself too tired to pray. I rarely only pray in my head, there’s too much going on in there. But speaking out loud just seemed like too much effort. As I laid there, a feeling set in on me and I can’t put words to it. It didn’t feel good. I managed to start praying and went through my Sunday list of people to pray for and any other things that came to my mind. I went to sleep and hoped that I would feel refreshed in the morning and feel good to start another week.

Unfortunately, its pretty much stuck with me to this point. It almost feels like an exhausted longing. I don’t know what or who I’m longing for, but that’s what it feels like. Maybe I’m just not close enough to the Lord. I do feel His presence normally, but my mind is getting in the way of His voice or He’s just being quiet right now.

Sacrifice and Selfishness

Thursday night worship this week was amazing. Before Lauren got back from furlough and even some sporadic nights since then, worship has consisted of me, Ryan and Alice. However, this week there was quite the crowd there. Dusty and Marlena had a team that came in addition to the Vanguard team that is here right now. I love the intimacy of three, but something special takes place when that many believers come in and worship in such a manner (Ryan is a very anointed worship leader). The worship led to about fifteen short sermons from various people and that led to a time of prayer and impartation.

I have the utmost respect for Lauren. There isn’t another peer of mine that I revere more. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, she was one of my housemates last summer and is in Moshi with an organization called Courage To Be You. She is preparing a home that will house girls broken out of the brothels in the region. Anyways, enough tooting her horn… she said something at worship that really struck me as true and I think diagnoses most of the ills of my generation. I’ll steal it from her, but to be honest she said she got it from a Beth Moore study.

She was speaking specifically to our generation and said that she sees our biggest ailment as unwillingness to sacrifice specifically stemming from selfishness. I concur.