Cool

We live in a very celebrity driven culture. Its certainly a form of idolatry and we have many idols in America. We sometimes look at ancient cultures with a sense of snobbery believing that their worship of carved images was incredibly primitive and odd. All the while we exalt plenty of images ourselves.


We figure it to be harmless and at the same time can’t explain to ourselves why we are so enthralled by these people with whom we don’t have a personal relationship. Their personal matters get exposed in every tabloid and then shared with millions upon millions of people who for whatever reason actually care. Its not that these famous people aren’t important; its that they are just as important as the person sitting next to you at the restaurant whom you know nothing about.


The problem with society is that the people start to internalize the structure of whose important and whose not. Or more importantly, whose “cool” and whose not. Next thing you know we have this stratosphere that categorizes every single person. Such a hierarchy produces two attitudes.


The first person realizes that they are not far enough up the ladder and thus doesn’t realize their inherent worth and beauty. This is often classified as a lack of self-esteem, and biblically you would say that this person doesn’t realize the value of being made in the very image of God. Melissa has shared with me that in her teenage years, she would read “People” and had a sort of obsession with it. She also perpetually felt poorly of herself during that time. This is the kind of thing the culture drives. However, this by no means is relegated merely to the “ordinary” person. Many people that have attained an impressive level of fame have had one failure and then perceive themselves as very unimportant subsequently treating themselves poorly, even to the point of suicide.


The second attitude that is created is arrogance. A person attains a certain level in the stratosphere and feels accomplished enough to put everyone else down. They embrace the thought that they are more important and let others know it. They’re self-absorbed jerks. They take upon themselves to be the enforcers of the entire system; not realizing that their own pursuits are only producing a counterfeit satisfaction predicated on the belittling of others.


This is something that I’ve been praying through and it came up again this weekend as I was praying at the Holy Spirit Conference put on by the Garden. I, like most people, have internalized this whole categorical system. I think for many Americans this happens in school. To varying degrees this enculturation was happening in elementary and junior high for me, but the crowning of my personal stratosphere came in high school. I went to a small K-8 school in junior high and when I got to high school, I was bussed into a two thousand student campus in Paso Robles. I was previously a small fish in a small pond and now I was a small fish in a big pond. I quickly realized who the cool kids were and that was anyone above me in the hierarchy. I would try to do well in sports or make friendship with popular kids in class to move up the stratosphere. If I didn’t make it to the top, that was manageable, so long as I wasn’t on the bottom rung. Those kids were put through hell.


I found Vanguard to be much more inclusive than other campuses and thus felt comfortable to not strive. However, when I moved to Tanzania, a whole new opportunity to engage in the game arrived. Its almost as if a person feels the need to have a resume that says why they are important; why they shouldn’t be kicked off the lifeboat as Donald Miller would say. And whatever impressive aspects of my personal resume would go, they seemed to be overlooked by the glaring reality of “out of sight, out of mind.” People could think the world of me and Treasures of Africa, we could have had a good friendship in the states and all, but with little contact as I was so far away, my success in the stratosphere took a serious hit. This says less about people back in California; I have been learning to accept that this is just the way it goes when one moves away. This is more of a critique on the system itself and the fact that my enculturation into it caused me a significant level of insecurity.


As I shared in previous blogs, towards the end of my first year as a missionary, I began to realize this insecurity of mine. I no longer thought of myself as loved or important to many people whom I previously did receive this affection from. I had even become somewhat envious of the work of some of my Vanguard peers in nearby Uganda, because their work in every right is “cool.” Whereas, the only four Americans involved at TOA are me and three middle-aged women. I felt as though my location and my work had lowered me to the bottom of the ladder.


And yet God works in a whole other framework. His ways are not ours as Isaiah says. Among many wise words that Lydia has shared with me came on Awadhi’s birthday last year. We were sitting at this restaurant where you can view many Tanzanian animals. She told me quite plainly that God isn’t into what’s cool. At the age of 24, such a thought had never dawned on me. I always thought that God was cool. Little did I realize just how deep this internalization of the hierarchy had on me. I took my unbiblical mindset and just added God to it. If the top of the system is cool and God is the greatest, than God must be cool. In reality, cool is merely a label that describes what is popular at the moment within the fallen system. You know what’s cool right now? Plaid. When I left for Tanzania at the start of 2010, no one was wearing plaid. I came back and it looked like Gap opened a Jeff Foxworthy line. A couple years from now, it’ll be something entirely different. God isn’t like that. He’s not into things that are cool. He’s not into our perceptions of whose “in” and whose not. We’re all valuable to Him and He loves all His creation.


Jesus had a very good opportunity to be cool in the midst of His peers. His talents ranged from his craftsmanship as a builder to gifted orator to supernatural healing power. People took notice and crowds would gather to Him. Yet throughout the gospel accounts you see Him evading such gatherings. He’d teach some, but then all of a sudden He’d take off to be by Himself. Better yet, with people all gathered around, He’d say something kooky like “most assuredly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day” (John 8:53-54). Can’t you just imagine a cocky disciple like Peter exclaiming to Him, “Hey! That’s not cool! That‘s messed up, dude.” And yet the truth that Jesus was sharing is an integral piece in following Him.


Bear with me, I was a fan of TGIF growing up. There is this exchange between Shawn and Corey in Boy Meets World that for whatever reason has stuck with me. Corey is having this identity crisis because he realizes how popular Shawn is and he wants to be worthy of their friendship. He’s failing in the hierarchy. Towards the end of the episode, Corey asks Shawn something to the effect of “do you think I’m lame?” and Shawn says “of course not.” Corey gets a confident little smirk and asks “so, you think I’m cool then?” “Of course not,” Shawn replies. “So what am I?” “You’re Corey, I’m Shawn.” Shawn affirmed Corey in something so much stronger than the social structures that we create; he affirmed him in love and friendship. That’s how we ought to be. That’s how God is.


So in the light of my failure within the system of what’s cool and whose important, I asked the Lord a very simple question at the conference yesterday: “who do You say I am?” His response touched me. It affirmed me. It had nothing to do with the people around me that I would perceive as cool. It had nothing to do with that system as a whole. It was a mark of acceptance and was brimming with love, purpose and calling. It took the things I twisted and misunderstood about my identity and unveiled who He’s actually called me to be. It isn’t something that could always be labeled as “cool” but it was certainly good.

Desire

Having ended the fast in the last half hour (first thing in my mouth was a spoonful of peanut butter, in case you were wondering), there are so many different things that I can write about, because the Lord was definitely at work in the fast. I’m going to try to roll up several of them into this post and share what the Lord has done.

I have this tendency towards idle productivity. I notice this at my house first and foremost. At my house, there’s not a whole lot to do. I don’t have a TV, I don’t have a DVD drive on my computer (or a single DVD for that matter), I don’t have internet at my house and I don’t have anyone to talk to aside from the Lord and if I’m feeling delusional, any of the various lizards that come in to visit me. Because of that, I try to toil in the interest of growing spiritually. How many pod casts can I listen to tonight? How many chapters will I read in my book? Will I master any new worship songs on the guitar? All of these are good things, but I find that my mindset isn’t always coming from the best angle.

Fasting

From time to time, I have friends that will ask me about my take on fasting, if you will. For those friends, this one’s for you… and its also for me.

It wasn’t until my junior year of college, at the age of 20, that I had my first fast. Somewhat surprising due to the fact that I had accepted the Lord when I was in preschool; it shouldn’t take a believer 16 years to get around to a part of the Christian walk that is so vital and helpful. For that year of schooling, I set aside every Thursday to fast and then it would be ended after my Thursday night prayer meeting. That year was definitely a growing year for me as I found out more about fasting; physically, theologically and emotionally.

My head always wants to make sense of these things and make it into a formula. I remember driving to work one Thursday, profoundly frustrated with my fast and whether or not I was “doing it the right way.” The thing that made sense in my mind was to add an element to this particular formula of Thursday fasts. I prayed to the Lord in my frustration and asked “What do you want? Do you want me to just not end it late Thursday night and just go to sleep to end it in the morning?” “No!” He replied instantly. I was quite taken back, because I thought that was the part that I, quite grudgingly, would need to add. He instead talked to me that He didn’t want that, He wanted my heart. So its not some religious practice that I have to do out of obligation? No, it’s a way that our hearts become rendered to His heart and that’s what moves the stuff around us.

Himalayas Post #1 - Intentional

Written on September 2nd, 2010

We’ve safely arrived in the second country after spending about 14 hours driving here. The trip was exhaustingly long, but I was able to get a little sleep, listen to music, and finish a book then start a book. Nonetheless, by the time we rolled up to our hotel at 7:45 PM, we were ready for the day to be over. We walked into the lobby and were all taken back by how incredibly nice the hotel looked. We were all the more blown away when we got to our rooms. The girls had a laugh as I was the first to my room and was exclaiming out loud at how “legit” this place was and it was truly “off the chain” as I said. This place has free wireless internet, each room has a big Hi-Def TV, all the nice amenities that you would expect with furniture and the like. The tissue box is wrapped up like a Christmas gift for crying out loud. I can’t remember the last time I was in a nice hotel. After waking up at 3:30 in the morning and traveling all day, I was ready for a shower.

I was in the shower that had perfect temperature and water pressure and I was washing my hair with actual shampoo and conditioner for the first time in a week and a half and just enjoying the moment. I decided to release a worship song over the room and began singing. As I was in the shower I felt the Holy Spirit saying “don’t forget why you’re here.” The following thought that came to my mind was “I should sleep on the ground tonight.” I realized that the accommodations were not going to help, but rather detract, from my intercession. It was a quick thought in my mind when I first walked into the room that this could serve as a nice vacation from my work at TOA. “I’m a missionary in Africa, I can do it up here. I’ve earned it.” Such thoughts must go by the wayside when wanting to serve the Lord. Entitlement has been something that has strangled so much Christ-like life out of the American church. This life is so beautiful; the walk, the death, the resurrection, the ascension. We can follow Christ in all these things, but we get the life mixed up when we equate blessing with worldly prosperity. We must realize that the Lord’s ways are not that of the world’s, so true joy comes not from monetary affluence or comfort but rather from loving and obeying Jesus. There is nothing wrong with a comfortable bed, I in fact own one back in Moshi. But rather, if my highest calling is to love God and Jesus says the way you love Him is to obey Him (John 14:23) I must relinquish anything that would distract me from doing just that. So I gave up a comfortable bed so that I can focus on obeying Him in praying and interceding on behalf of this nation.

Sounds strange right? Have you read the actions of people in the Bible and realized the Bible heroes are indeed full of weirdos? I know that this is something I’ve mentioned before, but its worth mentioning again. Not merely as a defense of my seemingly useless action in sleeping on the floor, but rather so that we all remember that God does things that look quite strange to the natural eye. That’s why we aren’t to focus on the things that are seen, but rather those that are unseen (1 Corinthians 4:18).

India Post #2 - Faith

Written on August 22nd, 2010

I’m learning to walk by faith in new ways. Two big things have happened in the last month and if it weren’t for the graciousness of Rita and Lydia to trust that I am following the Lord, I undoubtedly would look like a loose cannon within Hidden With Christ. No TOA missionary has ever left for two weeks to go on another missions trip and certainly no one else has gotten engaged to a short term missionary in a matter of weeks. While, all this is going on around me, I find myself forced to walk in it by faith that this is what God is doing and I do indeed see His hand on these things.

We met Sunday night as a team for worship, prayer and impartation. A means to build each other up for the task at hand. We would begin our formal ministry the next day through a morning prayer walk followed by prayer and prophetic ministry to local pastors and their wives. As we prayed, it came to Ryan that we are to pray for our eyes to be able to see those things that go on in the spiritual realm. It was already on my heart as well and my Bible was open to share on 2 Corinthians 4:18 which I shared in my post a few days ago. We need the eyes to be able to see into that spiritual realm and engage that which is eternal. It takes faith to do so.

Remember my previous post? What was that all about? I think about what I saw in the spiritual realm where I was fixing my eyes and I saw what the people in the plane were enslaved to. It took faith for me to believe that and to pray into that. It took faith for me to post about what I saw. Undoubtedly anyone could have read that post and figure I’ve gone off the deep end. Biblically, to be able to receive words of knowledge or words of prophecy are totally normal. And yet we often find ourselves too timid to embrace those gifts which the Holy Spirit gives to advance the Kingdom of Heaven. It is a false humility and a limitation on the vastness of God to say that prophecy couldn’t come from our lips and that a word of knowledge couldn’t come to our minds. We are so afraid of what others might think that we resort to not engaging those supernatural things that take a higher faith, thus settling for a more domicile version of the Gospel and relationship with Christ.

India Post #1 - Around You

Do we realize the realities that are going on around us at every moment?


I got on the flight from Nairobi to Dubai and was going about my business as normal. Joking with the Tanzanian girls in Swahili, trying to look as American as possible, looking forward to the in-flight movie and the good food. I sit down in my chair and browse what movies are going to be showing while we are in the air. “Iron Man 2, haven’t seen it, heard good stuff, yeah I’ll watch it.” My screen wasn’t working and I decide that if it doesn’t work then I’ll grit my teeth, smile and choose to read, pray, intercede and prepare a sermon. I tell the attendant my screen isn’t working and leave it in the hands of God. Does He want me to watch this cool movie or feed myself spiritually and engage the lives of the people around me? If it comes down to what He wants it could just be a coin flip, right? She resets my screen and after missing the first ten minutes, I get to watch the rest of the movie. Good movie.


It finishes and I decide to finish my chapter in the book that I mentioned in the previous post. I can’t even finish the chapter without the Holy Spirit calling me to intercession.

Kingdom

There are a lot of people in this world. Furthermore there are a lot of people that don’t know Christ, a lot of Christians sitting on their hands, a lot of people who are open to listen, a lot who aren’t and each person is on some sort of journey that we hope ends with them in the eternal Kingdom of Heaven.

I moved here because I wanted to advance the Kingdom and I wanted to obey the Lord’s voice that Tanzania is where I’m supposed to be. He has been gracious to bestow upon me the position of teacher, elder, leader and above all father. I didn’t come here on a whim and I’m certainly not leaving on one, much less anytime soon. Tanzania is where the Lord has planted me for a while to advance His Kingdom. First and foremost, with the Treasures, but His Kingdom isn’t confined to TOA. It may advance at ICC, any other church I speak at or attend, it could advance through our worship nights, through my conversations with my friends, or with George, the old guy that hangs out by the bread shop that I’ve gotten to pray with before. Nor is my work in His Kingdom confined to Tanzania.

I’ve been so blessed by some wonderful encouragements from people back in the states that have said that the blogs and other things I’m putting out are encouraging them in their own faith. For all my complaining about close friends that don’t read my blogs (my apologies), I’m truly humbled by those of you that have told me how the Lord has used the writings in your life. It is a blessing to me to know that He is still using me in any small way back in my home country, because Americans are still close to my heart and my desire is to see Americans, especially those of my generation, completely sell out for the Lord and His business. And yet, that’s not really the country I’m getting at in this particular post…

Voice

I’ve reached a point where enough is enough. I’m not bitter, I’m not upset with the Lord. He has been more than gracious with me over the last several months. He has guided and directed me and I don’t doubt that I’m doing at least some of what He wants. I know for certain that I’m where He wants me today. And yet I want more and I want to hear His voice on new levels and in new ways.

When I accepted this position last summer (hard to believe its been a year already), my life sped up to new speeds that I wasn’t previously aware of. One thing led to another and I was simultaneously being called to Long Beach for a season and Moshi for the long term. I have never had so much on my mind and that hasn’t just let off, because I’m here now. Quite the opposite actually, each day seems to bring something new to ponder and get stuffed into my already active mind. Huge questions like wondering if such a woman exists that would both work well in ministry with me and would actually be called here or wondering the big time table of my life here in Tanzania are the setting for all the small questions that come into play daily like what am I going to teach the preschoolers tomorrow and how am I going to get somewhere tonight if I only have the motorbike. My mind has been going non-stop at a fast pace for a long while now.

With all of these things going on between my ears, it can be very easy to have the voice of God crowded out and take a backseat to whatever passing thought resides in the driver’s seat. I said last week in regards to my relationship with/adoption of Awadhi that “I don’t want to waste my time doing something that He’s not speaking.” That’s true. For the Lord, speaking and doing are one and the same. Think about the creation account or watching His hand move throughout the Bible. If He is completely faithful, completely honest, the Spirit of Truth Himself, He can’t say something that isn’t going to happen. The action and the word aren’t merely hand-in-hand, they are one and the same. If I want to make sure I’m acting as the Lord wants I have to be able to hear His voice as it matches up with His written word.

Death

I was at a party with many of my friends and it was if I was looking at myself from an above head third person. I found myself talking with a larger man that reminded me of John Candy. He was walking with me and giving me a detail by detail account of how I would die. As he was speaking, he said “and then I will step away from you” and as he said that he stepped away and at that moment, we both fell over dead. I was shot in the head, but I don’t know where it came from. My body laid crumbled on the ground. My spiritual self rose out of my body and walked out the door, somehow with a body of its own. I was now in first person view and made a phone call to 911. I explain to the operator what happened and told her that my physical body was dead. I tell her that its okay. “I have Jesus in my heart and I’m going to Heaven now.” I ask her to send the police. I sit down outside and wait to go up to Heaven. My friend Dusty comes outside and I can’t tell if he can see me or not. I call out to him and he tells me that he also called 911, but the police aren’t coming because they don’t believe us being as it is Halloween. I go back inside and sit on the couch. I continue hanging out with my friends and contemplate my confusion on whether or not I’m actually dead. There’s a knock on the door. People tell me to hide in case it’s the cops and they find me alive. I remain confused on whether or not I died. The door opens and my friend Kelli comes in with three guys in Halloween masks. Kelli sits next to me and the other guys speak with the other party goers. The scene goes on… at some point during my sleep, I remember explaining to someone to not put grease down the sink.

A few months ago I read a book about the way the Lord speaks to us in our dreams and I’ve begun journaling them and indeed have been learning from them. This is a dream that I had Thursday night/Friday morning. I was talking with the Lord and while I don’t understand all the elements, He did enlighten me to this idea of dying to self and its been something on my heart a lot lately.

The Bible is an amazing book, you should read it. There are some incredible things in there and it gives us the very heart of God portrayed through the lives and words of saints past. The Lord has been giving me revelation over the last couple weeks and I think that it is a good word to remember for me and everyone else that desires to follow Jesus. A couple of weeks ago I wrote about sacrifice and I’m thinking about what it looks like to take that action to the highest degree. To sacrifice to the point of death. This could mean a physical death and for many Christians past and in this present age, that’s absolutely asked of them, they undergo martyrdom faithfully. And yet there is also this whole dying to self thing. What do you think that looks like?

Emotion

I emailed a little with Darren (my pastor back in Long Beach) this week and he was asking about my time here. A specific question he asked was “how are the emotional ups and downs?” I’ve learned a few rote answers for people when they often ask me the same question. My typical answer regarding my emotions is that they are drastic, when they’re up, they’re sky high, when they’re down, they’re in the dirt. To be honest I don’t understand them and its entirely frustrating when I can’t shake a feeling.

Yesterday, I played soccer out on the pitch with some Tanzanians and followed it directly with playing my normal Sunday night basketball. When I got home last night, I was exhausted. Not after long, I was in my bed having my devotional and found myself too tired to pray. I rarely only pray in my head, there’s too much going on in there. But speaking out loud just seemed like too much effort. As I laid there, a feeling set in on me and I can’t put words to it. It didn’t feel good. I managed to start praying and went through my Sunday list of people to pray for and any other things that came to my mind. I went to sleep and hoped that I would feel refreshed in the morning and feel good to start another week.

Unfortunately, its pretty much stuck with me to this point. It almost feels like an exhausted longing. I don’t know what or who I’m longing for, but that’s what it feels like. Maybe I’m just not close enough to the Lord. I do feel His presence normally, but my mind is getting in the way of His voice or He’s just being quiet right now.

"I Have Not Forgotten You"

God's grace is always sufficient. Praise the Lord.

This weekend has been in a word, normal. I cannot tell you how much joy it brings me to tell you that. This is my life. This is my work. This is my home. I'm blessed.

This week was hard and so blessed. This week was busy and so joyful. The last few days have been so good and I believe they've given me my best picture yet of what life in Moshi will look like.

Let me run through the anointed normality.

Friday was my first day really doing hands-on education stuff with the kids and it was so much fun. I busted out the play-dough and finger paint and we went through eight different colors and trying to get the kids to memorize both the English and Swahili names for each of them. I love working with kids and the preschool age always seems to be the funniest. No matter what color I held up and no matter which language I asked for, half their answers were "yellow" unless of course I held up the color yellow. Justina has really taken the game on in normal life, anytime we're together, we ask each other "rangi gani?" ("which color?") and she's starting to get them down. After that I took the three older ones upstairs for computer time. Lucy and Justina did really good, but Jerry was in way over his head so I let him go back with the toddlers outside.

The hardest part since getting back to Moshi was on Friday afternoon, when Baba Pendo and I went to pick Awadhi up from his school. I was distracted enough during the week to not focus on the fact that he wasn't there, but it hit me like a ton of bricks when we went to get him. We got there and he walked up with his caregiver and he was so lethargic. He didn't smile until we got home and saw his friends, had a snack and got back into the swing of things at TOA. I don't know what to say. I wasn't able to talk to anyone really because only one person there spoke Swahili and the rest were deaf. Keep praying. I don't know what to say, but please do pray.

Friday night, I had a great time over at Lydia and Jodie's place. They cooked a bomb meal and we were able to talk about the kids, about our lives, share stories and so on. I am feeling more and more blessed to have them and Eli as my partners in this wonderful ministry.

Saturday was a good day, mostly. It didn't start off too great. I went and picked up Awadhi and then Jodie to go to a place where a lady was supposed to meet us and hook Awadhi up with a hearing aid, but to no avail. The lady had told Jodie to come Saturday and she never showed. That is not uncommon here. The rest of the day was great though. Playing with the kids outside, singing, teaching the older boys to play guitar, and so on. The best part was Awadhi's first skype conversation with Babu na Bibi (Grandpa and Grandma) back in Wisconsin. He really got a kick out of it as did mom and dad. You'd think a deaf kid wouldn't get much out of that, but the kid is so visually geared with facial expressions and everything that he was perfectly content to stare and make faces at these wazungu on the screen.

Today was special. I had a very anticipatory sense throughout the morning and God was faithful to speak as well as give me new things to pray about and remember. I went and picked Awadhi up from TOA and then him and I went to church together just the two of us. I had heard good things about the community at this Anglican church (shout out to Scott) so him and I went there. I doubt he's ever seen so many wazungu (white/western people) in one place. He was so so so good! I didn't feel comfortable taking him to the children's service, but he did a great job sitting next to me in service, cuddling, coloring and playing with my sunglasses. The service was good, I certainly enjoyed the sermon and there was a time where the guest speaker had us hear from the Lord. It was hard to focus on her prompting with Awadhi by my side totally clueless, but in the brief moment I closed my eyes, the Lord took me back to the time when I first held Awadhi in that hospital and to think that He has brought me all the way to where my son and I are sitting in a church service together. With that came the words "I have not forgotten you." All the worries about being here not knowing what I'm doing, being single, having so much to do in a culture that is not my own, waiting on Awadhi's healing and being frustrated with his schooling, and any lack of money, all these things fall by the wayside as I remember that He remembers.

Praise the Lord. I'm not forgotten, God knows my name. Awadhi's not forgotten, God knows his name. You are not forgotten, God knows your name.

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The Rundown (SPECIAL HOME EDITION): As I said above the week was good. Progressively getting stuff done and next week will be even more normal. All the most important stuff was put above and the only other things were that had a good time in worship at Ryan and Stacy's on Thursday and we had a rad drum circle going on at the end. I took my first spill on the pikipiki on Friday. Nothing serious, just glad to have gotten it out of the way. I played indoor soccer a couple times this week with Noe at ISM which resulted in the biggest blister of my life. I was astounded and it gave me a limp for two days. And that is pretty much all I can think of.

Since this is my home, you may want to see it (or you might not, in which case, thanks for stopping by!) so I've got some pictures of life here and the places I am daily. The most important pictures were posted on Facebook this week. All the Treasures' pictures are in the album "January and February," but here are pictures of my house and my office. This is my home...

Nyumba Kwangu (My home)

My Living Room (The floor's filthy and the furniture's not mine)

I duct tape paintings to the wall, not because I live in Africa, but because I can.

The kitchen (gotta love the ugly gas tank right under the counter)

Can you spot yourself on the fridge?

Still working on that whole shower curtain thing. One of the joys of living alone.

Plenty of closet space

The mosquito net is a God send. So long as no mosquitoes get trapped inside.

My main ride. I love him so long as he doesn't kill me.

Secondary vehicle.

My office. The source of all my webcam pictures and skype conversations.

Family Family and LG Family don my desk with Awadhi and JuJu on the screen.

Need For Grace

Well I’m at TOA. Language school is over and I spent the weekend and today at the orphanage.

Its official. I am in way over my head. That sounded so romantic when I said it in Long Beach, now its more daunting than ever.

I prepared to come here, but there was only so much that I could do stateside. I was assuming that once my foot touched the tarmac at Kilimanjaro International, all of a sudden all of these things would just come to mind and I’d know exactly what the ESL program would look like and the preschool class and the bookkeeping and everything. Well, Day 1 is in the books and I’m still like “huh?”

When I was a senior in high school, I took over as the PRHS website editor after the Christmas break. This was a position that had never been held by a student, but my teacher was being deployed to Iraq and he asked me to be in charge of posting because of my riveting journalism starting the “Bearcat Spotlight.” I got back from break and felt pretty legit, I sat in the teachers chair in the front of the class while all the other students were at their computers. Yeah, I was the man, pretty sure of myself. I thought I was cool, because I could put up pictures of Tobey skating and pass them as “extra curricular activity” posts. Well, my first day on the job in just trying to update the website, I managed to erase the homepage and left nothing but the template. I scrambled and felt pretty dumb. I managed to get up a note before the end of the period saying that the website was “currently down,” but I had managed to screw everything up on Day 1. My prayer is that that is not the case here.

I’m being dramatic, I apologize. I feel like the Lord has prepared me for this. No, I can say this with confidence… the Lord has prepared me for this. But in all my prior experience in education and working with kids, its been like similar but not this. Yeah, I’ve worked at a couple preschools, but I’ve never run one, much less in a foreign country. Yeah, I spent four years supervising tutoring, but I’ve never implemented ESL programs, much less in a foreign country. Yeah, I’ve got a degree in education, but I’ve never been responsible for 26 kids educational progress, much less in a foreign country. Yeah, I’ve been responsible with my personal finances, but doing payroll and bookkeeping for 26 TOA employees…hoo.

It easily adds to frustration in other areas, especially technology. I had all these dreams of how easy contact with the states will be once I’m here. Skype like crazy, Facebook up the wazoo and yada yada yada. I had the sweetest video to post on YouTube of me and the kids dancing in worship (it was so sweet!), but I can’t get the thing to load up and I can’t edit the videos from my camera on my computer because of a difference in files. Also I don’t know anything about networking, so I haven’t been able to get my laptop online at TOA so no Skype and no Facebook videos. I’m 23, this is my generation, I’m supposed to know everything about computers! Living with Josh and Cody for three years you’d think some of this stuff would have rubbed off. Nope.

Lydia is the most gracious program director that I could ask for. She is kind enough to walk in this with me and like me, she doesn’t know what to do exactly. To me, she’s the picture of strength and seems to have a grip on things. With me she told me that she’ll only give me what I can handle and if I say “tosha” she won’t give me any more. The problem is I don’t know how much I can handle, because this is all so new.

There are a couple things that I can fall back on. The Lord spoke a very simple truth to me last month as I was lying awake in bed at my parents’ house. I was worried about whether or not these programs for the kids will even be effective and if the kids would progress. He told me “the kids are already progressing.” Sam and Maggie were among the top students after finishing the Standard 1, Sifa was able to skip a grade to go into Form 1, Jerry is able to receive the special needs he needs at school, so is Awadhi (but that brings about its own difficulties at home). The kids are progressing. Hopefully anything that I do will just add to that.

The only thing that I can do is be faithful. That’s pretty much all we can ever do. I don’t claim to be God’s gift to education or fathering. I’m a 23 year old, inexperienced man without my credentials or too much in-class experience. But what I can do is be faithful. In my work, I can do it unto the Lord, I can be faithful. That’s where I gotta hang my hat and trust that His grace in all these things will be enough.

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The Rundown: Language school was a good experience and I learned a lot. It is quite practical Swahili and I look forward to using it. Thursday night, we had a end of the course party and a New Zealand friend Tom and I played a bunch of pop songs on the guitar. It was fun. I’m so glad to be at TOA. This weekend has been good. Saturday, I got a fridge to keep my chapati frozen and peanut butter cold. I find that my staple in Tanzania switches from peanut butter and jelly to peanut butter and bananas, of which I have been throwing back like crazy the last couple days. After that, I was getting settled into my office. (Pictures of everything will be coming once I’m finished settling in). I’ll be honest, it feels pretty legit to have my own office. Sunday, we did an all worship service at ICC and my hands were raw from drumming at the end. Sunday afternoon, I hung out at TOA with the kids and played basketball with Ryan, Noe and some others at ISM at night. Monday was some intro with bookkeeping and education stuff at TOA and Noe and I played a little indoor soccer at ISM in the evening. He, Amanda and the kids are moving back to the states soon and they found a buyer for the house. He said that the new buyers are cool with me living in the back house though. The heat and the mosquitoes suck. Awadhi is at a boarding school Monday through Friday. I’m glad that he is able to learn sign language and advance his education. It hasn’t really hit me yet though that I’ll see all the kids everyday, except for him. He is such an outgoing and loving kid, his teachers said that he loved his first couple days last week and our staff said upon dropping him off that he was energetic in making new friends and fitting in. He’s such a great kid. Everything else is good. Please do pray for my programs and that the Lord would use me and his grace would abound. Pray that we’re able to fix the technical stuff and get my laptop online. Pray for help with the electric company, they are saying that we owe them over a million shillings or something crazy when we don’t owe them anything. Also, Rita (HWCM Director) was supposed to becoming out this month, but its not looking like we can afford it. Pray that she only not come if the Lord says “no” if its because of money, then pray that He opens that up and soon, because she would have already bought the tickets. Thanks for your prayers family. Check Facebook for some pictures that I put up recently of me and the kids.

Stillness

I have been busy this week. Too busy.

When I was in Long Beach, I instituted something in my life that was imperative to my life. I was hanging out at Thursday night Life Group with the Modern Loving Family and we were talking about prayer. We talked about the need to spend time in prayer and devotion everyday and of people that make a point to spend a hour a day. At the time I was faithful to my nightly devotional and it was maybe 20-30 minutes a night. Although after that Life Group, I decided that it would benefit me and glorify God to set aside one hour everyday to spend quality time with the Lord. I was indeed busy with church stuff, but my schedule allowed me to wake up and spend time out on the terrace with just my chair and my Bible. It had become a rhythm of life.

I had so much time on my hands while I was in Wisconsin and while I did spend time with the Lord daily, I got lazy and didn’t discipline myself to spend that specific hour. Because of my laziness there, my specific hour a day no longer was a rhythm in my life. This last week has been go go go and so much has happened, so much except that hour a day. Now, I find myself with no clarity of thought and I’m quite confused and unable to focus. Even last night, I was going to blog and started off going down one train of thought and then stopped and said no I’ll go with this angle and then got frustrated with that and stopped writing altogether. When I would have my hour a day (which is sometimes longer and sometimes divided between two times) the time is spent 20-25 minutes in silence and free prayer, 20-25 minutes in the Word and 20-25 minutes in directed prayer. Because I’ve cut back on all these areas, especially the first, I find myself a bit of a mess. Because I haven’t spent time in silence and allowing my brain time to think and pray my thoughts, I’m confused. Because I’m not reading as much in the Bible, I’m not meditating on His Word and growing in knowledge. And because I’m not having my directed prayer, I feel guilty because I know that I’m not praying for others as much as I should be. This is no way to start missionary work.

Last night I had a dream. A very confusing dream. It is the only thing that I can think of that is too personal for me to discuss in a blog, but we’ll say that it has been something very important to me for over four years now. I woke up so frustrated and so confused. This is something that I prayed for countless times and the Lord apparently said “no.” I have tried to forget it and get on with life, and thought that it was a done deal, then out of the blue it pops up again and since I haven’t been spending as much time with Him, I wasn’t prepared and it was hard and uncomfortable. I should have and need to be in this blessed communion. If I’m not spending quality time with Him, I’m at best a confused, disoriented mess of a man and at worse living in sin.

Here I am in flippin’ Africa, living out a promise that He spoke two and a half years ago and I’m not even spending time with Him here like I should.

So what is it that has me so preoccupied? Everything. For one, jet lag. Also, spending about seven hours a day learning a new language, practicing guitar, sleeping, moving into my new house, going to the airport and picking up my luggage, going to church, catching up with friends in Moshi, speaking and eating with new friends at language school, emailing and trying to resolve this identity theft thing and all the normal daily activities that everyone does. Make no mistake about it, I am quite busy and all of it is necessary for me to be doing right now. Yet I look at that and can’t say “okay, that activity is definitely more important than spending time in devotion.” There is nothing more important to do daily. And this is what I can’t get about my life, or anyone else’s, we have to pencil in solitude time with the Lord. Its always frustrated me hearing people saying “I don’t have time for devotion” or “I only have 15 minutes free a day.” And while I didn’t say it myself, for the last month, I’ve been doing worse than that, I’ve been living it. Take this as my confession to the brethren.

Last time I checked, if we are Christians and our main purpose is glorifying the Lord and advancing His Kingdom here on earth, then how is it logical that we only spend, at best, 15 minutes (out of a possible 1440) with the Chief, the King, our Father, our Savior everyday? I hear people say and justify myself at times with the same notion, “I talk to God throughout the day, driving, eating, hanging out with friends, working, whatever, so I don’t need a daily devotional.” If you are doing that, that’s good. 1 Thessalonians 5:16 says to “pray without ceasing” and we should do that. But Psalm 46:10 says to “be still and know that I am God.” How can we be moving towards full knowledge of God and hearing His thoughts on our life if we’re not also spending time being still before Him? The two are not at all mutually exclusive, but rather are the markers of a healthy prayer life.

How we spend our time is how we spend our lives. How we spend our lives is what will be the second judgment for Christians after we enter eternity. How we live our lives shows what we count as important. Anna showed God she thought talking to Him was important and served Him by spending 84 years in fasting and prayer in the temple (Luke 2). That’s righteous. I don’t know what the Lord is calling you to, I am not even sure what He’s calling me to, to spend in daily devotion, but I imagine that if it’s the same God that Anna served, its probably more than 15 minutes a day.

Don’t get me wrong, if you give Him 15 minutes He’ll use it. But I want more of Him, that’s important to me, and I know that so much of that will come from waiting on Him and spending quality time with Him.

So today, I spent quality time with the Lord and I feel at peace. He didn’t boom with a loud voice, but He spoke and I was still. I was able to slow down and meditate on what it means to be serving Him in Tanzania as I watched wild monkeys jump around in the trees overhead. I was able to speak honestly about the dream and my confused thoughts became a sacrifice lifted up. I was able to smile and thank God that He has me working here with these blessed children. It was what it should be. It was beautiful.

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Welcome to a new segment of my blogs that I call “The Rundown,” as in “Hey Jim, could you get me a rundown?” (The Office reference, anyone?). During this segment, I will give the 411 on what I’ve been up to physically. I feel that the most important part of my life is what the Lord is teaching and doing in me spiritually and how that relates physically and that’s what the bulky first section will be. But along with that are physical things that won’t get put above the dashed line, so I’ll put them down here. So let’s just pretend that I didn’t do the dashed line yet and when I do it again, you just know what I’m doing.

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The Rundown: Language school has been going well. It is so much information but a lot of it is sticking. I really enjoy learning new languages and none more than Swahili. Anybody want me to translate something for them? I enjoy the people that are in my class and we have fun. There is one other American (from Ohio) and his name is Brendan. Because mwalimu Gouden (teacher Gouden) can’t really pronounce the difference well, we are Brandan kwanza na Brandan pili (First Brandan and second Brandan). There is an Italian man named Stefano, a Scottish man named David and a German woman named Daniela. Walimu jina lao Mama Gouden na Mama Frida. In free time I’ve been studying, playing a lot of guitar and taking advantage of the above average Tanzanian food they have here. This weekend, I went to Moshi. (Man, as I write this I feel like I’m supposed to be writing in Swahili). I took the coaster which is always an adventure. Lydia picked me up and we went to TOA so that I could see the kids and they were all excited to see me. Awadhi had just got out of the shower and was wrapped in a towel soaking wet when I first saw him, when he saw me he was surprised and smiled. I went up to him and gave him a big hug and got a wet mouth giving him kisses. I love him. After that I went to my new home and met the missionary family, whose back house I am living in. They are from Maryland and their names are Noe and Amanda. They have three Ethiopian adopted children named Moses, Noah and Laylo. They are really cool and we get along well. Saturday morning, I went over and visited with Ryan, Stacy and the kids then I spent time at the orphanage and got my bed set up at the house (its really comfortable). The last two of my three bags came in, so Lydia, Jodie and I went to get them at the airport. I went into get them and was happy to see that they were never opened along the way. The guy at the desk was nice, but told me that I had to go get them looked in at Customs. When he called the agent, who should come out, but the same guy that tried to have me “tip” him for taking my guitar over this summer. The most expensive thing I had in the box was my big djembe Jonah, but I purposely put him towards the bottom of the bigger tub. The customs agent must have been being lazy, because he didn’t go that deep and didn’t find anything worth bribing me for. So praise God. Having all my bags helped me as I unpacked more Saturday night. Sunday, I went to church with Stacy and the kids to ICC and saw some of the Fountain of Hope kids that I know. After service I went out to eat with some of the local missionaries, all of which were female. I feel like I’m a Liberal Studies major all over again. Then I went home, packed for the week and then drove my piki piki to TOA to drop it off and see the kids before heading back to Usa River. And oh yeah, my identity was stolen this week. That was fun. I’ve been praying that no one in my email contacts sent any money to England and I laughed at seeing what an awful job the guy did impersonating me. At any rate, I am happy to have gmail now and I am in talks with Facebook and it looks like I should get my profile back soon. All is well. Hamna shida. Life is good. God is good.

Satisfaction

One of my favorite authors/speakers is Francis Chan and I’m about to do something that he often does in his books. Before you read another word of my blog, go and read Isaiah 55. I will wait for you.

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Thoughts?

The Bible is the living Word of God. I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced that as much as I did tonight.

I’ve had a very busy day, running errands, hanging out with Corey, preparing some prayer raising letters and in the midst of all that I quickly found that I was going late into the night (thank you Tanzanian Peaberry coffee from Badger Brew) without yet spending my devotion with the Lord. In my busyness, I was feeling sad and anxious. I began to spend time in prayer as I was moving. With me leaving for Tanzania on Sunday, I again am feeling the whole sacrifice deal, so I pray that I would be able to feel some of the joy right off the bat despite my current condition. A little after 1 AM, I finish preparing for tomorrow’s trip to Minneapolis for supply getting and picking Donny and Melissa up from the airport. I go downstairs to spend sometime in the Word before going to sleep. Since being here I’ve read 1st and 2nd Samuel and now am in 1st Kings, enjoying the kingship of Solomon. However, rather than committing to my normal two chapters plus commentaries, I wanted an easy reading for the night so I decided to read a random passage from either the Writings or the Prophets. As I sit down, the Holy Spirit gives me the word “Satisfy.” “Okay,” I say “I will look up the word ‘satisfy’ in my concordance and go with the third time it is listed.” As I turn there the Holy Spirit gives me the number four. “Okay,” I say, “I will go with the fourth time it is used.” Doing that led me to Isaiah 55. I went on to read the Word of the Lord and found it at work in my life immediately.

Isaiah wrote this thousands of years ago. It was not written to Americans that are missionaries to Tanzania. It was written to Israelite exiles to Babylon. Yet every Word tonight was for me.

Guys, I don’t know what to feel or how I’m supposed to feel. I don’t feel prepared for Tanzania. I can’t fathom what moving or living in a foreign country is like. I’m not only in over my head, I have no idea if I will even be remotely effective. I don’t say this for a “woe is me” effect, but rather to convey that I am ambiguously overwhelmed, if that makes sense to you. But the Lord has spoken to me tonight and I hope that the message rings with you as well.

A couple weeks ago, the youth pastor at my parents church spoke and said something that didn’t sit well with me. He was mentioning how people will say things that sound biblical but really aren’t in the Bible at all. He specifically said how people say “God wants me to be happy” and how that is not in the Bible. That is true and it is indeed more important that we glorify Him, making Him happy. Yet there is more to it than that. Throughout the Bible we are called to delight ourselves in the Lord. The idea isn’t “this Lamborghini makes me happy and God wants me happy, so its okay.” The idea is “God is holy, loving, just and good, and I am stoked on that.” He is my satisfaction, my delight, my happiness, my joy. We are to be as MacArthur (I think it was him) says “Christian Hedonists.” This passage calls us to that.

I love how it starts and how aptly it applies (redundant to word it that way?). “Everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; And you who have no money, come, buy and eat. Yes, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.” Since I am now a missionary and live solely off of what the church/God gives me, I have truly tasted this. I am making no money right now. I have bills, I need to eat and yet I don’t pay for any of it, I’m a conduit at best. In my distress, the Lord reminds me of His gracious unwarranted provision in my life.

And yet how many times do we find ourselves being those people from verse 2 who “spend money for what is not bread, and wages for what does not satisfy.” Think about that. Think about what you got last Christmas (2008). How much satisfaction does that pricy thing bring you now? Are you satisfied? This can be applied to be an analogy for what we put our effort into and find no satisfaction (think relationships, status, etc.) and yet don’t discredit the fact that this is a reference to money and we live in a consumer world and the church is often as bad as anyone. We spend our money on what doesn’t satisfy and we do it continually, meanwhile the peace and joy and blessings of the Lord are right there for free.

In verse 5 the Lord really spoke to me as well. Remember that I have no idea what I’m getting myself into. “Surely you shall call a nation you do not know.” Can I be candid with you? I love Tanzanians so much. They are some of the dearest people to me. Having said that, they are often strange to me and I them I’m sure. I don’t get them. They snap thumbs when you shake hands, they carry chickens on crammed public transit, many of them stare (and smell), and so many other things that are just a part of their naturally different culture. These aren’t negative things, but I don’t get them. And yet I am calling that nation. The next sentence is also speaking to me “nations who do not know you shall run to you.” I highly doubt that I will spend the rest of my life in Tanzania, and I highly doubt that is because I will spend my time after TZ in the states. The Lord has given me dreams and aspirations for other nations as well and that’s what I want. Lord willing, He’ll shine through and the other nations will come running.

Isaiah goes on to talk about the importance of repentance and the unfathomable nature of the Lord which are so important in finding true satisfaction. Going on to remind us that He is the Giver of the rain and the blessings.

Then prophesies that God’s “word shall go forth from (His) mouth; it shall not return to (Him) void, but it shall accomplish what (He) pleases.” If you know my story you know my story, you know the Word that the Lord gave me; “Go run an orphanage in Africa.” Here I am starting down that path and I still have no idea what that is going to look like. I’m excited sure, but how do I get from point A to point B? The only thing that I can hold on to is the Word that He gave me and trust that it will not return void but will accomplish what He pleases and prosper just as He sent it.

And lastly, before the Lord spoke to me I asked Him for joy right off the bat. This is what He replied: “You shall go out with joy, and be led out with peace.” Thank you Father.

Be satisfied. Be happy. Be delighted. Repent. Don’t spend your money or efforts on what doesn’t satisfy. Be blown away by the unfathomable God that wants to glorify you. Walk in His peace and joy.

Please pray for me as I leave Sunday to go get satisfied in Tanzania on the Word of the Lord…and the chapati of Tanzania.