Belief and Unbelief

I shared on Wednesday during the morning devotional time at TOA about a miracle that Jesus performed in Mark 9. There is a man who has a son who is deaf, dumb and has frequent seizures. It is a spiritually related illness that had nearly cost him his life time after time. The father brings his son forth and asks Jesus to heal him. He tells Jesus what the problem is and that it has been happening since the boy’s childhood (implying that he’s no longer a child - so it must have been a long time). Jesus tells him that “all things are possible to him who believes.” And in completely honest fashion, the man says to Jesus, “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!” I encouraged those at devotional that this prayer is good. Jesus doesn’t rebuke him and say its not enough belief or faith. He heals his son. Elsewhere Jesus says that faith the size of a mustard seed is enough to toss a mountain into the ocean. So just because the father had some unbelief, what he did believe was enough.


That’s what I taught and am being challenged in myself. 


Last week, Melissa and I came to a point of high frustration with Awadhi’s situation. I have been praying for him and his healing for nearly four years now and his situation hasn’t gotten any better. It, in fact, appears worse. We don’t get to see him often because of his boarding school schedule, it appears we aren’t eligible to adopt him (nor do we have the money to if we were) and he’s still HIV+ and deaf. My parents were asking us about him today and I really don’t have much to say. I can’t say that there’s much good news or a positive change. That doesn’t appear to be the case and we are profoundly frustrated. Needless to say, I can relate to the father from the story.


Beyond that, things are difficult for me and Melissa here. There’s a song by Jim Croce* and its called “The Hard Way Every Time.” He talks about how he’s been through so much and realized that he’s done life the hard way with every decision. But he gets to the end of the song and says that he wouldn’t have done it any other way. I listened to that song and it resonated with me. As a bright eyed, bushy haired Christian back in SoCal, I said that I would do things the hard way a time ago and now we find ourselves in our first year of marriage on the mission field. Its nuts. Furthermore, this is Melissa’s first term as a long-term missionary, which for every single missionary brings about so many other difficulties. We’ve been getting hit from every side. Socially its hard, because of all the friends and family that we left to be here and the process of cultivating friendships here. Financially its been difficult, because half of our income has been going to our student loans and even if they weren’t there it would still be tight. Spiritually, its been difficult we don’t understand what He’s up to and its hard to rest in His will when things are so crazy around us. And of course each of those areas have a significant impact on our emotional lives. All of the madness is enough to truly discourage us and leave us wondering if this is how it is supposed to be. 


I’m not so crazy about the hard way these days; the romance of it has worn off and this post will prove insufficient to capture all that’s going on over here. Just know that its hard and its trying, leaving us tired and often discouraged. 


Its times like these when the prayer of the father in Mark is all I’ve got. I daresay that I still believe. Indeed, I still believe. I believe the Lord and for the unbelief that has been mixed in, I ask for His help. I believe that I was called here, that Melissa was called here, that God has set Awadhi aside for His glory and that His purpose will unfold in Awadhi’s life. I still believe that Awadhi will be healed, just like the man’s son in the story. If Jesus can heal a deaf and dumb, demon-possessed epileptic child, He can heal our deaf and HIV+ child.  


God is big and He can handle any struggle that we’re having. He can take a little faith, a mixed bag of belief and unbelief and perform miracles. He is able, for this we give praise. 


*Yes, I listen to Jim Croce. If you think that‘s funny or weird, then Jim Croce is too good for your iPod

Devotion

I don't always do what is best for me. Foolishly, I often realize it as its happening. Lord help me.


I often think back to the time that I was in Long Beach and remember it with a sense of romance. I remember what God was doing during that time and felt quite close to Him. I felt that my ministry in church was meaningful and even powerful. I saw God moving in the communities that I was involved in and it was exciting. It was the perfect staging area for my launch into the mission field of Tanzania.

I get these random images through Zemanta. To be honest, this blog doesn't need the seal of Long Beach, just because I mentioned Long Beach, but I did it anyway. Image via Wikipedia

I now often find myself taken aback and feeling like over a year and a half later, I'm further from God. I of course chalk some of this up to seeing the past through rose-colored glasses, but I know that there's more to it than just that. As I've been reminded of the last several days, that distance has a lot to do with the way that I spent my time back then. Namely that during that season, I committed myself to spending a hour with God everyday.


I remember it quite well. I lived in the upstairs of a four unit apartment complex. Our balcony was merely a walkway, but I would set up shop there and look over the city of Long Beach. On top of my spot on Signal Hill, I could see downtown LB and beyond one direction, then Belmont Shore down into Seal Beach and beyond the other way. I set up my little fold out chair, my Oswald Chambers devotional and of course my study Bible. That time was so special, so restful and in the most important way, believe it or not, productive.


Now I find myself too busy to set aside that much time. Its disgraceful really. How I spend my time is indicative of my priorities and not spending time with the Lord is a bad sign. Now, the truth is I still read my Bible everyday and I of course pray everyday, but I'm far less intentional and the time has waned considerably.


I was convicted of this through a couple sermons that I listened to the other day. I always listen to a lot of podcasts, but during my time in the states, I fell way behind. The first was by Darren at the Garden where he challenged the congregation to do very simple disciplines that would bless God and draw us close to Him during Lent ("So two rabbis get into an argument..." on The Garden Church Long Beach iTunes podcast) and the second was by Becky Tirabassi at Rock Harbor, emphasizing the importance of the Bible and having that daily time in the word ("The Good Book: Love It. Read It. Live It" on ROCKHARBOR Messages iTunes podcast) . I knew that these two messages were just for me.


I had been holding out on starting my "read it in a year" NIV Bible, because I wanted to finish reading through my entire study Bible first, which has been a multi-year project (I'm down to three Old Testament books and three New Testament books). I had read through the Bible in a year before, but was feeling enticed to do it again. I decided after listening to the sermons that I didn't need be finicky about it and when it comes to reading the Bible, I don't need to finish one project before starting another... so I'm doing both.


Still, even after all that on Friday, I'm not spending adequate time with the Lord. So the Lord put me on my back today... literally. I pulled it the other day, but re-aggravated much worse this morning bending over for shampoo in our very small shower. Melissa has been gracious enough to take care of me, but I thank God, because I haven't been able to do much other than sit around for the day. Not only did I have time to finish Rita's book on Pastor Zablon (Its great! Go get it!), but also got to read in another book, my study Bible and my daily Bible. Furthermore, I had personal time in prayer and had devotional time with Melissa too. So necessary.


Its amazing what these times of devotion can do. Today I feel refreshed spiritually and more like God and I are on the same page. I know that if I continue to do it, its going to build me up spiritually. The fifteen minutes I've been spending has been good, but I know that there's more for me as I put more emphasis on my time with Him. I'm looking forward to returning to TOA next week not only because I'll get to be with the kids, but because for the first time this year, I'll be on a normal schedule. In that schedule I can give God my first fruits of time, quality and quantity, and make sure that I'm connected to Him daily.


Its a love relationship. We spend time with people that we love and God is anything but an exception to that. I intend to spend more time devoted to Him, just us together. I know that its in those times that we find purpose, rest and focus, for this we give praise.

Together-ness

(This blog was written with a previous blog of mine in mind. It was called “Single-ness” and played a role in what God did for me and Melissa… I’m not single anymore)


I am learning this word “together” in whole new measures as of late. Two weeks ago today, there was a wedding. It was my wedding. It was my and Melissa’s wedding. The day that the average person would consider the best day of their life, I would be one such person. It wasn’t only a day that I committed myself to Christ like my day of salvation, but it was even more than that. It was a day that I was again committing myself to Christ as a man that is mature enough to take on the responsibility of being a husband and together with my wife, committing ourselves to the Lord. The best day of my life.


There was so much that went into the wedding. I hope to put up more pictures soon once we get them (although you could see some on Facebook right now and the ceremony video is here on the blog). It was truly an incredible production and my talented wife would be the one to credit for all that. She really did a tremendous job down to the most minute detail. Decorations, wardrobe, ceremony and reception events, everything. And it was a lot. We got some important help in the last week or so and help from others here and there, but a lot of the footwork came down to us doing stuff ourselves. It truly monopolized most of our time over April and May. I found myself working on stuff that I don’t even know if I would've noticed if I were a guest there, but it indeed turned out beautiful.


However, not everything came together beautifully. The final product was indeed beautiful, but Melissa and I can see from the big picture that it wasn’t perfect, or at least not in the physical circumstantial aspect. A few things that didn’t work out you ask? First off, something happened to the ceremony’s sound system which messed up our perfect play list - I kid you not it was perfect, check out this line up: Mumford & Sons “Sigh No More,” Norah Jones’ “Don’t Know Why,” Jack Johnson “Banana Pancakes,” Sixpence None The Richer “Kiss Me,” Donavon Frankenreiter “Free,” The OC Supertones “So Great A Salvation,” Melody Gardot “If The Stars Were Mine,” Tyrone Wells “And The Birds Sing,” Amos Lee “Sweet Pea,” candle lighting to Jon Foreman “House of God Forever” and the processional was Phil Wickham “Divine Romance” … I rest my case. I don’t know if the general songs were played at all but Mr. Foreman and Mr. Wickham sounded like they were under water. Furthermore, Melissa spent a painstakingly long time picking out dresses for the bridesmaids, seven of the eight girls ordered through the same bridal shop and they botched the order so the girls didn’t get the dresses Melissa chose, except for my sister who paid more to get the dress because her dress shop actually did get it in time, but the other problem came too late to cancel her order. The guys suits didn’t come either, so we ended up wearing different ones. The caterer didn’t fulfill some of his promises (for example, he himself showing up to the reception).  As if all that weren’t enough, it rained on our wedding day and we scrambled the morning to change locations altogether. So yeah, you could say that not everything “came together.”


The day went by so fast and all the big problems were totally out of our hands. I can’t say how our guests felt, but it seemed like a rapid, hectic ordeal to me and Melissa. There’s just so much. I praise God that much of the stuff did work out well and even more so for those that helped us out the day of  the wedding (our families, our bridal party, our pastors, our DJ -Jessica, our Mcs - Adrian and Kelli and our point-person for the day Mona). Lord knows nothing could have happened without them. And yet, Melissa and I cringe to think about Phil singing the submarine version of “Divine Romance.”


You know when it comes down to it though, it isn’t about all that stuff anyway. I marveled and told Missy a bunch afterwards how I wish that I could have had more time to visit with all the people. That may be the only day in my life where we have both families, our closest friends from childhood, high school, college and church all together. Even Jodie, who is on furlough, came with Rita and Pastor Dave to the wedding to represent Tanzania. It was incredible. These relationships mean so much to us and it was such a wonderful sight to have all of us together in Jesus’ name to celebrate what He’s done for me and Melissa.


And yet far more than any other relationship with a friend or family member there, it meant the world to me to be holding the hand and looking into the eyes of my best friend and beautiful bride, Melissa. As I think about that day, the most prominent pictures I remember are my first look with Melissa, Pastor Bob’s pronouncement into the recessional, our first dance, and when her and I left the reception. Just Missy and I being together and enjoying the love that the Lord has put in us for one another. All that other stuff just fades away in light of such a beautiful picture that He gave us.


Melissa means the world to me. I’ve never loved another person like I love her. I’ve never known another person like I know her. I’ve never been committed to another person the way that I’m committed to her. In the moments that we share together, especially when its just the two of us, I am in awe of just how perfect she is for me and how blessed I truly am to have such a wonderful wife. 


I think that in life we get hung up on a lot of stuff that doesn’t really matter. Sure, they may enhance certain experiences or we may truly enjoy them, but I know that I am guilty of getting bent out of shape when more peripheral things don’t go my way. I then lose focus of what is important in my life, more like Who and who is important in my life. In the Old Testament, God made a very in-depth outline of how we are to live in relationships. Jesus, in Matthew 22, summed them up in two easy-to-remember parts “Love God, love people.” That’s what’s important. A huge component of love is enjoying the communion, or together-ness if you will, with the Godhead and the people that He places around us. I praise God for walking with me over these years. He’s never left me nor forsaken me, we’ve always been together. I also praise Him that He brought Melissa and I together in such a beautiful story, as well as every other person that He‘s allowed me to share in life with. 


He is faithful to do that for each person that He created. He is not only the Author and Perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2), but He is the Author and Perfecter of the love that He puts in people for Himself and for one another, for this we give praise.  

"Together"
Photo Credit: Benjamin Braff - http://thebenjaminbraff.com/

Wedding Video

Video Credit: Melissa Zaldivar

Mission

Over the last several hours, I feel as though a new weight has come upon me. Its funny that a single day isn’t a very long period of time. Yet, going from eight days till the wedding to a week till the wedding felt like a huge shift. The line of where responsibility ends and feelings of anxiety begins is a bit blurry over the last day or so.


Its not hesitancy, its not cold feet, its not worry. Its just a weight. A weight of responsibility. It is a bit of realizing not only the magnitude of what Melissa and I going to walk into for our personal lives, but also the magnitude of the effect that this will have on the Kingdom. To be sure, the most important person in our marriage is neither of us. And while that’s easy enough to say for any Christian relationship, saying that God is the center, the focus and the most important Person in our relationship takes on another meaning when the couple have chosen to do something that is beyond themselves.


I’ve said it before, but I really have no interest in living a life that is meaningless or understandable. I think that God does things that are supernatural and impossible to comprehend, He then calls us into that same life. I want that. I am grieved by the moments of my life that don’t reflect Who He is. I know that it is the same for Melissa. I’ll be the first to say that I don’t know what I’m doing. I really don’t. I have friends that are missionaries or pastors and sometimes I feel like they have such a handle on things. They know what they’re doing and have effective Kingdom advancing techniques. At other times, I see into their lives at more real moments and realize that they don’t know what they’re doing either. And I really think that that is the way that God designed it, because if all of life and ministry came down to checking off a list and having things figured out, it would be nothing more than empty religion and passion would become non-existent. Praise God that such a life like that doesn’t even work.


Instead of dead religion, He calls us to go on a mission with Him. He will tell us things, but only when He wants to and only when its necessary. He could give us a perfect plan at one time and we do it and it works great for His purposes. We could then figure that that will do the trick every time, try it again, and fall flat on our face. It seems unpredictable to us, but its perfect sense to Him, whose ways our higher than our own.

Best Friend

When you get married, you should marry your best friend.

I'm going to do that on Saturday.

Evil

A few weeks ago, America came to a pinnacle moment in the modern era. So much of what has happened in our country the last ten years has centered around the terrorist attacks of September 11th. From that day on, the man at the top of the FBI’s most wanted list has been Osama Bin Laden. Of course this man was the mastermind behind the heinous attacks of September 11th. He quite clearly was a man bent towards evil and his actions followed suit.


I was at Cody and Alaina’s when President Obama made that special announcement about how the Navy Seals infiltrated the compound and killed Bin Laden. It was undoubtedly a high moment for the US Military and the President himself. The president’s approval rating goes up and a wave of patriotism sweeps over the nation.

Image from www.washingtonpost.com 

Its an interesting occurrence though, when you really think about it. Americans became happy, because the Seals did to him, what he (and his terrorist group) did to us - killing. Now, I will say that I believe it is a good thing that he is gone, for the sole reason that it could, and probably will, lead to a lot of other people not being killed in any of his terrorist attacks. However, I struggle to “celebrate” his death, or any other person’s for that matter. The Lord wanted something other for that man, but he instead chose to do evil and hardened his heart against the Lord. He subsequently died unrepentant and is now eternally separated from the love and grace of His Creator. He was a wicked man, entirely sadistic and its better for him to be dead then for him to kill other people, but its still sad. His life wasn’t merely wasted, it was hell-bent against the Kingdom of God and that’s sad. I can’t imagine what a terrible pain it would have been to lose a loved one on September 11th. And while, I hope that this can help bring closure to those precious people, I can’t imagine that it does entirely. Because whether or not some evil man that aided in their loved one’s demise is killed in Pakistan, it doesn’t bring their loved one back. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth is far too much to ask in this situation because one man’s death isn’t equivalent to 3,000+.


I was having a conversation with Andy yesterday and we began to talk about man’s leaning towards evil. G.K. Chesterton says that that sin nature is the only part of our Christian doctrine that we can prove. I think that’s because we can take one look at the world, and realize just how much people have messed it up. This isn’t blaming it on “that person” or “that group of people,” its all of us, as humankind realizing that each of us have made decisions that were detrimental to ourselves and the world in which we live. In the case of a terrorist mastermind like Bin Laden, that’s an easy conclusion. But if in humility, we could really look at ourselves, we’d soon realize the pain that we’ve caused on ourselves and those around us. It may not be a mass murder, but its certainly not good. A person can kill others in far more ruthless ways than murdering them and none of us are above that.


One thing that Andy and I talked about is who we are when no one else is around. Its that age-old youth group proposition. Who are you when no one else is looking at you? We can all be great in the eyes of the people that see us in public settings, but we can do truly awful things behind closed doors. Whether it be a pornography addiction, slamming someone else online, suicide or any other evil that happens in private, we should realize that there is no end to the darkness we can go into.


And that common saying of “its not affecting anyone else” is just not true. The way that this world is designed is for people to inhabit it together. If you do something bad, that will negatively affect those around you. The reverse of that is equally true. If you are purchasing pornography and using it in private, that is feeding into an evil system that keeps other people, some willing and many not willing, enslaved to producing it. Furthermore, it will have a negative effect on your relationships, especially with your significant other, because you are becoming dissatisfied with them and perverting the way that you see them and the opposite sex in general. Evil spreads very easily.


And yet in this post-modern culture, people don’t want to call it like it is. I was watching the Colbert Report a few weeks ago and a man came on and was talking about a book that he wrote called “The Humanist Bible.” Clearly this man isn’t a Christian, and I’m not particularly offended by the title of his book or the contents of it. Not only because the word “bible” simply means “book,” but also because there’s no point in getting offended by non-believers, they simply don’t hold the same views as me and I can’t judge them according to things they don’t believe in (my job is to merely try and show them the Light and the freedom that I‘ve found in Jesus, before they are judged by Someone else). Anyways, he talks in the opening section about “good and its opposite.” Its interesting, he doesn’t even want to say the word “evil.” We’d like to plug our ears, close our eyes, and pretend that its not there, but how else can you explain that the twentieth century was the bloodiest century in the history of mankind? Evil exists and we must do something about it other than turning a blind eye to it.


For followers of Christ, its not enough to just get by with our salvation and punch our ticket it to heaven. Those are great things, but faith in Jesus is so much more than that. Our relationship with Him is a relationship with a General. When the Old Testament talks about God being the “Lord of Hosts” its talking about Him being the Lord over an angelic military that fights in the heavenly realm which manifests in the physical realm. We are at war with evil and we need to be more gung-ho in that pursuit. The soldier that’s revered is the one that moves in boldness and gives his entire being to the cause, whether that is in life or in death. The enemy is out there and he’s so wicked and he’s tormenting people. And our own sin nature and the evil from within is only making matters worse. We must take this seriously.


Praise be to God that He has overcome and He is overcoming. Praise Him for conquering sin and evil on the cross. He has called us into this fight for good and equipped us with His Spirit that we too may be more than conquerors, for this we give praise.

Brokenness

Sometimes we just get slapped in the face with a harsh reality, such has been the case over the last week or so. 

With our wedding less than a month away, Melissa and I have begun looking for birth control solutions. Since Melissa doesn’t have insurance and our finances aren’t much to write home about, we’ve had to look for the cheapest solution possible. That led us to going to Planned Parenthood.* That must be the busiest office that I’ve ever been in. We first tried to get in at the place in Costa Mesa last week and waited for two hours before they told us they couldn’t get to us. We ended up going into the San Luis Obispo one and setting up an appointment one day and came in the next to wait another two hours before the doctor got to Melissa. The point is that place was bustling, at both places that we visited.

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

The number one demographic in the busy office? Young, unwed women. I saw two guys come in for condoms and a couple others come in to get tested for STDs (I could hear them at the reception desk). But most of them were women, or girls in some instances. Of the over 25 ladies that I saw between the two offices, Melissa was one of three or four that had a ring on her finger. Some girls acted nonchalant, I saw a few tearing up, but overall it all seemed like commonplace for the people there. The saddest sight, was a timid girl that was waiting a good while, Melissa and I were heart broken to see this girl that couldn’t have been over 14 years old; she was still developing physically even. 


In our futile efforts to enjoy life apart from God, we’ve cultivated a deep brokenness through personal and corporate sins. How else can you explain such a young girl seeking services at Planned Parenthood? The sad thing is that this sort of behavior is often celebrated. I saw something on TV where Lil’ Wayne was boasting that he lost his virginity at the age of 11. The layers of society that propagate this activity is incredibly diverse. Hollywood promotes it and acts like its both normative and completely satisfying, our lawmakers pass laws that reflect a growing constituency that sexual immorality is good and so forth. Meanwhile, the average age of people having sex for the first time keeps going down while STDs, abortions and broken lives goes up.


And how are we to react as Christians? This certainly  plays out in other areas of society, but lets stick with sexuality for the time being. When we first went into the office in San Luis, we were greeted by some picketers from a local church. They were kind and cordial, but we obviously knew why they were there. As we got out of the car, one of the ladies in a big sun hat approached us with some brochures. We smiled and said thank you, she then asked if we had any prayer requests and we told her about our wedding coming up and the work in Tanzania. Since this is a sister of mine, I didn’t want her to think lowly of us, so I pulled out all the stops to show her any strand of righteousness in us. I told her how we’re getting married so we had to start birth control (implying our virginity), we oppose abortion, we work on the mission field with orphans for crying out loud. She then told us that we should go to the Community Health Center instead of Planned Parenthood. Alas, we told her that since Planned Parenthood is free and CHC isn’t, we would still be going there and we soon walked up the stairs into the place. While these ladies were kind enough, we still felt quite uneasy with the encounter. Maybe it was the grotesque images of aborted babies on their vehicle or maybe it was just the subtle finger wagging we received. It didn’t matter that we were approaching our marriage biblically, their mind was made up and we received the brunt of their views on Planned Parenthood.


How then are we to behave then, as followers of Christ? Humility is always a good place to start. We must realize that we aren’t immune to the sin and brokenness, nor is our family. 


Over the last week, Melissa and I have been engaging with a relative of hers that has caused a lot of pain to Melissa. In an attempt to show grace to this person, Melissa got burned again and it has brought up past pain as well and could potentially be detrimental to our wedding. “He’s very broken” and “he needs Jesus” are constantly on Melissa’s lips and its entirely true. This brokenness of his was passed on to him from another relative before him. Sin is a disease and it always leads to brokenness and pain. If we do not allow God to heal us and change us, we will inevitably pass it on to another. 


God created us for community and no matter what we think or want, our actions have a profound effect on others. The reason Jesus stressed discipleship is because He knew that human relationship is the most influential force in the changing of a human soul. The reverse is just as true. If we don’t abide in Christ and His righteousness, we will pass on sin and brokenness to those we are in relationship with, as opposed to the love that we find in God. That has been the case with this relative and because he hasn’t allowed God to deal with his brokenness, he has been passing it on in his interactions with Melissa and others.


It is a sad thing, but its not un-redeemable. The whole reason that Jesus came was because God recognized the brokenness of humankind and sent Him to save us, inviting us into His Kingdom of love and reconciliation. There isn’t a person on this earth that is out of His reach if they would repent and allow the Holy Spirit to do His work. And it doesn’t end there, He’s so powerful that He can topple principalities that are ingrained within societal strongholds. He is able and willing; and He’s beckoning us to join Him in this work. And that’s where we are to hang our hats. While sin begets brokenness and we pass the disease on from one person to the other, at any moment that we invite God to redeem and heal, He does just that. We are to be like Him, ministers of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:17-21). I wouldn’t say that picketing, pronouncing damnation during a time of grace or judging unbelievers according to a Book they don’t believe in will help. At the same time, the more common Christian ailment of apathy is equally detrimental. Instead we are to show compassion, integrity, righteousness, love and whole-hearted devotion to God which will automatically lead to radical engagement. The beauty is in His design of this. That we being filled with the Holy Spirit, are able to bring this work of reconciliation over brokenness to pass, for this we give praise.


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*I realize that Planned Parenthood is a very controversial establishment and I personally disagree with a lot of their stances on sexuality and procreation, not the least of which is abortion. However, we decided that this is the best path for us with our financial situation. The organization does offer some good services, why not utilize them for two people that have chosen to wait for their marriage to become sexually active? Why should we pay more for choosing to do it the right way? Not to mention, I’m a tax payer and a third of the organization’s funding comes from government grants and contracts. Whether or not I think they should get government funding is another thing, but the fact is right now they do receive a significant portion of money from the feds which qualifies us to use the positive non-sinful practices of the establishment.

Money

Welcome to Brandon’s therapy session.


Over the last couple weeks, as Snoop Doggy Dog would put it “I’ve had my mind on my money and my money on my mind.” Not just my money though, but money in general would probably be more apt. Nonetheless, I felt it was blog worthy as it is so integral to our society to the point that we come up with trite sayings like “Money makes the world go round” and what not. Not to mention money and personal finances are topics readily found throughout the Bible. It must be important. The only thing that Jesus talks about more than money in the gospel accounts is the Kingdom of God. That’s right, he talks more about money than he does about love, salvation, repentance and so on. Yeah, I’d say its quite important.


I was hanging out with Shawn the other day and we had some really good conversation as we tend to do. One of the topics, as one might suspect, was popular Christianity. Specifically we spoke at length about two individuals, one of them being Joel Osteen. He is undoubtedly the most prominent figure of the “prosperity gospel.” His book titles include Become a Better You, Its Your Time and Your Best Life Now. I don’t intend to bash another brother, I want God’s will for his life. However, I have a few reservations with the message he portrays. Mr. Osteen read the Bible and gave his life to a homeless first-century rabbi who told people to die to themselves before He Himself was tortured and murdered. Somehow, after this, Mr. Osteen landed on believing that God’s will is for us to be rich and indulge in treasures on this earth, even though they’ll rust and destroy as Jesus said they would.

When I write a book, I'm doing the same pose for the cover. Cover via Amazon

I watched a Larry King interview with Joel Osteen a while back and they showed video from his house and his church. Very big, very fancy, very expensive. He definitely lives out the gospel that he preaches. By his own definition, he has become a better him. The problem that I see with this view of money that many Christians believe in is two-fold. One, I find it unbiblical (as you could tell from the previous paragraph). I think that Mark Driscoll puts it well that when the message is “get rich, get healthy, be happy, that’s the equation… what we are saying is that as Christians we have nothing to offer that is any different from non-Christians or other religions.” Our life in Christ has the same end as that of those in the world: our own prosperity, as opposed to God’s glory. The prosperity gospel is the Christian American dream. Those are American ideals on those book covers, not biblical ideals. “Your,” its about you, its about the individual, “Best Life,” be all that you can be, humanism, health, wealth, indulgence. “Now,” immediately, don’t wait, don’t be patient, why sit down in the booth when you can get it from the drive-thru?


 Secondly, and this is the one that I’ll hit on more from my experience, I find the prosperity gospel doesn’t work out pragmatically. Do you have the kind of cash that Mr. Osteen has? It is a scary proposition when your faith is measured in dollar signs. Fortunately for Joe Christian like me, its not. I believe that God is a God of enough. He is gracious, He gives abundantly. He knows that we require some material things to survive and He has blessed not only the global church, but really the entire world with more than enough. The problem is that people (Americans for certain) horde. They don’t heed Jesus parable about the man that built the bigger barn to hold all his stuff (Luke 12:13-21). Furthermore, peoples’ eyes are bigger than their stomachs and their security and comfort become dependent on the things they own as opposed to the Lord. When this happens, some people wind up with way too much money and others, who might have faith through the roof, end up on the short end of the stick.

Ministry

I feel a bit out of sorts. Ever since I graduated from Vanguard a few years ago, I’ve had a fairly well-defined area of expertise in regards to vocation and ministry. Over the last few months those lines have blurred to something that I can’t quite decipher. 


When I was previously in California, life was easier to understand. When I was in Costa Mesa, I was in charge of the after school program at Victoria and I served in the children’s ministries at a couple churches. When I was in Long Beach, I was the children’s pastor at a couple churches. I was single for all but a couple of months during that time and I had a pretty good handle on what life and ministry looked like. 


In step with the calling that the Lord had put on me, I moved into ultra full-time ministry when I moved to Tanzania (“full” takes on a whole new meaning when you move to the other side of the earth to “work”). Through the emotional ups and downs, I was able to get into a groove of what life in the ministry at TOA looked like; my work was blessed and my schedule became incredibly routine. My life was (and in most ways still is) devoted to the discipleship of the treasures. Again, I found my vocational ministry well-defined.


Now I’m here and I’m struggling to grasp what “ministry” looks like. Technically, I’m still on staff with Hidden With Christ, I’m still on payroll during my furlough and I’m itching to get back to the work (as we can best determine, the extended furlough is over half way over!) And while I may have responsibilities here in the states with office work and fund raising, those aren’t quite the same as being with the kids, teaching them and loving them. Office work is all well and good, but it hasn’t been the focus of my work. Fund raising can be fun and encouraging depending on who we’re speaking with, but in many instances I feel more like a salesman than I do someone that is called to the orphans of northern Tanzania. 

Cool

We live in a very celebrity driven culture. Its certainly a form of idolatry and we have many idols in America. We sometimes look at ancient cultures with a sense of snobbery believing that their worship of carved images was incredibly primitive and odd. All the while we exalt plenty of images ourselves.


We figure it to be harmless and at the same time can’t explain to ourselves why we are so enthralled by these people with whom we don’t have a personal relationship. Their personal matters get exposed in every tabloid and then shared with millions upon millions of people who for whatever reason actually care. Its not that these famous people aren’t important; its that they are just as important as the person sitting next to you at the restaurant whom you know nothing about.


The problem with society is that the people start to internalize the structure of whose important and whose not. Or more importantly, whose “cool” and whose not. Next thing you know we have this stratosphere that categorizes every single person. Such a hierarchy produces two attitudes.


The first person realizes that they are not far enough up the ladder and thus doesn’t realize their inherent worth and beauty. This is often classified as a lack of self-esteem, and biblically you would say that this person doesn’t realize the value of being made in the very image of God. Melissa has shared with me that in her teenage years, she would read “People” and had a sort of obsession with it. She also perpetually felt poorly of herself during that time. This is the kind of thing the culture drives. However, this by no means is relegated merely to the “ordinary” person. Many people that have attained an impressive level of fame have had one failure and then perceive themselves as very unimportant subsequently treating themselves poorly, even to the point of suicide.


The second attitude that is created is arrogance. A person attains a certain level in the stratosphere and feels accomplished enough to put everyone else down. They embrace the thought that they are more important and let others know it. They’re self-absorbed jerks. They take upon themselves to be the enforcers of the entire system; not realizing that their own pursuits are only producing a counterfeit satisfaction predicated on the belittling of others.


This is something that I’ve been praying through and it came up again this weekend as I was praying at the Holy Spirit Conference put on by the Garden. I, like most people, have internalized this whole categorical system. I think for many Americans this happens in school. To varying degrees this enculturation was happening in elementary and junior high for me, but the crowning of my personal stratosphere came in high school. I went to a small K-8 school in junior high and when I got to high school, I was bussed into a two thousand student campus in Paso Robles. I was previously a small fish in a small pond and now I was a small fish in a big pond. I quickly realized who the cool kids were and that was anyone above me in the hierarchy. I would try to do well in sports or make friendship with popular kids in class to move up the stratosphere. If I didn’t make it to the top, that was manageable, so long as I wasn’t on the bottom rung. Those kids were put through hell.


I found Vanguard to be much more inclusive than other campuses and thus felt comfortable to not strive. However, when I moved to Tanzania, a whole new opportunity to engage in the game arrived. Its almost as if a person feels the need to have a resume that says why they are important; why they shouldn’t be kicked off the lifeboat as Donald Miller would say. And whatever impressive aspects of my personal resume would go, they seemed to be overlooked by the glaring reality of “out of sight, out of mind.” People could think the world of me and Treasures of Africa, we could have had a good friendship in the states and all, but with little contact as I was so far away, my success in the stratosphere took a serious hit. This says less about people back in California; I have been learning to accept that this is just the way it goes when one moves away. This is more of a critique on the system itself and the fact that my enculturation into it caused me a significant level of insecurity.


As I shared in previous blogs, towards the end of my first year as a missionary, I began to realize this insecurity of mine. I no longer thought of myself as loved or important to many people whom I previously did receive this affection from. I had even become somewhat envious of the work of some of my Vanguard peers in nearby Uganda, because their work in every right is “cool.” Whereas, the only four Americans involved at TOA are me and three middle-aged women. I felt as though my location and my work had lowered me to the bottom of the ladder.


And yet God works in a whole other framework. His ways are not ours as Isaiah says. Among many wise words that Lydia has shared with me came on Awadhi’s birthday last year. We were sitting at this restaurant where you can view many Tanzanian animals. She told me quite plainly that God isn’t into what’s cool. At the age of 24, such a thought had never dawned on me. I always thought that God was cool. Little did I realize just how deep this internalization of the hierarchy had on me. I took my unbiblical mindset and just added God to it. If the top of the system is cool and God is the greatest, than God must be cool. In reality, cool is merely a label that describes what is popular at the moment within the fallen system. You know what’s cool right now? Plaid. When I left for Tanzania at the start of 2010, no one was wearing plaid. I came back and it looked like Gap opened a Jeff Foxworthy line. A couple years from now, it’ll be something entirely different. God isn’t like that. He’s not into things that are cool. He’s not into our perceptions of whose “in” and whose not. We’re all valuable to Him and He loves all His creation.


Jesus had a very good opportunity to be cool in the midst of His peers. His talents ranged from his craftsmanship as a builder to gifted orator to supernatural healing power. People took notice and crowds would gather to Him. Yet throughout the gospel accounts you see Him evading such gatherings. He’d teach some, but then all of a sudden He’d take off to be by Himself. Better yet, with people all gathered around, He’d say something kooky like “most assuredly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day” (John 8:53-54). Can’t you just imagine a cocky disciple like Peter exclaiming to Him, “Hey! That’s not cool! That‘s messed up, dude.” And yet the truth that Jesus was sharing is an integral piece in following Him.


Bear with me, I was a fan of TGIF growing up. There is this exchange between Shawn and Corey in Boy Meets World that for whatever reason has stuck with me. Corey is having this identity crisis because he realizes how popular Shawn is and he wants to be worthy of their friendship. He’s failing in the hierarchy. Towards the end of the episode, Corey asks Shawn something to the effect of “do you think I’m lame?” and Shawn says “of course not.” Corey gets a confident little smirk and asks “so, you think I’m cool then?” “Of course not,” Shawn replies. “So what am I?” “You’re Corey, I’m Shawn.” Shawn affirmed Corey in something so much stronger than the social structures that we create; he affirmed him in love and friendship. That’s how we ought to be. That’s how God is.


So in the light of my failure within the system of what’s cool and whose important, I asked the Lord a very simple question at the conference yesterday: “who do You say I am?” His response touched me. It affirmed me. It had nothing to do with the people around me that I would perceive as cool. It had nothing to do with that system as a whole. It was a mark of acceptance and was brimming with love, purpose and calling. It took the things I twisted and misunderstood about my identity and unveiled who He’s actually called me to be. It isn’t something that could always be labeled as “cool” but it was certainly good.

Complicated

Sometimes my desire to write exceeds my ability to do so. I, perhaps, find myself in such a position right now. I’ve ingrained it into my psyche that I need to write on a regular basis for some odd reason; be it a false illusion that what I write matters or a need to organize my thoughts into something meaningful. And yet at this particular moment, I find myself bound and debilitated by the complexity of life. 


My mother has always said that I’m a very black and white person, my fiancé agrees. I often wish that things in life were clearly marked and that dashed lines were drawn everywhere we go, showing us what is good and what is bad. The gray areas are by definition hard to discern and I really hate that. I feel like when Thing A happens then the natural progression should result in Thing B occurring. And if Black is Black and Black is bad, then I shouldn’t do Black ever. Unfortunately for simpletons like me, some things are dark gray which means sometimes they’re okay even if they normally aren’t. Its all quite confusing to be sure and a Christ follower ought to realize that a godly spirit of discernment is much needed at all times. 


I’ve been seeing just how complicated life can be more and more recently. For example, this morning I was reading in the book Searching For God Knows What and Donald Miller was talking about the circus and his love for elephants. In a brief side note, he questioned why we keep elephants in circus cages. In my mind, even such an off-hand comment sends me into this inner dialogue where I argue with myself, “Yeah! Let those elephants out! They weren’t created in cages, so don’t keep them there.” “But we have dominion over them and we ought to be able to do with them as we please. And its not like we’re torturing them, people ought be allowed to enjoy them.” “Asian elephants belong in Asian jungles and African elephants belong in African savannahs. If people want to see them they can go on a safari in their natural habitat.” “Oh, but that would be an awful waste to spend all that money on airfare and the like just for the sake of tourism.” And so on and so on.  

Distractions

I seem to have come up against a wall of some sort here in the golden state. I keep wanting to do things and then ending my days feeling like nothing is getting done. The American culture is quite the life to be thrust back into after spending the last year in the laid back life of East Africa. I’ve always said that I love southern California, as opposed to northern California or the East Coast, because of how much more chill life is here. I’ll tell you that it doesn’t even compare to the chillness of Kilimanjaro. Its all flying by and every flashing advertisement, new fancy gadget and have-to-be-there event is only accelerating this precious experience we call life.


I had dinner with my friend Rodrigo the other day and he asked me if I felt American culture has more distractions. I said no at the time, citing that in my experience in Moshi, I was pretty constantly distracted by my loneliness and what not. That makes sense in my personal experience, but I would say that American culture has many distractions that are ingrained into the very fabric of society.


When I was cleaning out my house in Moshi, I came across my planner from 2009. As I flipped through the pages, I saw so many coffee dates, church events, errands to be run and the like all penciled into my full schedule. One might say that a planner could keep your head from spinning, but more accurately its just the thing that keeps your head spinning at a decent speed without falling off the swivel. I bought a 2010 planner before moving to Moshi and didn’t use it once. As soon as I came back though, I knew that I should get one for 2011 and sure enough its filling up and I’m trying to get stuff done without becoming too distracted by all the things vying for my attention.

Familiarly Different

It is Thursday afternoon and I am in Portfolio Coffeehouse in Long Beach. This is a trip. I’m fully expecting at any moment for someone that I vaguely know to walk into the shop, because I definitely feel like I’ve walked into the past.

Its been so weird to be in the states. Its weird because everything here is so… familiar. Any changes to southern California that I’ve come across seem like mere nuances in light of the fact that this coffee shop is still the same coffee shop, my old life group is still my life group, the 55 is still the 55 and Newport Pier is still Newport Pier. True, the place that I’m sitting used to have a computer table in this spot. That’s different. But we’re still at 4^th and Junipero and its tripping me out.

I’m not the same person that sat in this same coffee shop 14 months ago. I’m different. To be honest its hard to reconcile the two things. I’ve spent the last year in Tanzania. I’m not the children’s pastor anymore and this is no longer my home. I’ve spent the last year falling in love in with 26 children in ways that so far surpassed anything that I could have imagined. Those kids, my kids, my sons and my daughters changed me. As did the culture. As did my friends there. The Lord has changed me and I’m not the same person. How could I be?

A Look Back... A Look Ahead

It seemed fitting to do an end of 2010 blog post. This was without a doubt, quite clearly and unequivocally the most life altering year of my life. The Lord has shown Himself to be faithful to me over and over again and for this I must testify...

2010

• January ~ I left my home that was the good ol' U.S. of A. and journeyed to Tanzania to take up my position at Treasures of Africa Children's Home. The tears of leaving friends and family behind were many, but the refreshment of landing in Kilimanjaro and knowing I was in the center of God's will for me was my strength. Loneliness begins to take hold of me during my three weeks at language school, detached not only from my loved ones in the states, but also my kids in Moshi for most of the week and away from significant Christian fellowship.
• February ~ My work formally starts at TOA as I finish language school. I take Awadhi to church for the first time on the first Sunday of the month and return with an interesting Facebook message from a young woman named Melissa. She seems to feel called to work at TOA; one of the bigger storylines of the year (or life if you will) truly ensues.
• March ~ I find fellowship with a short term team of other Christians my age and don't waste the opportunity to try and show off my missional long-term-ness for the first time. 
• April ~ I spend my birthday in Tanzania and it is far different than any other I've ever had. I was blessed by those friends here in Moshi and everyone at TOA. My favorite was receiving birthday greetings from my life group in Costa Mesa who managed to bring me to tears thousands of miles away.  
• May ~ My first (and truly my only time thus far) having Rita Tanzania-side. It was a refreshing time as she came along with a team that really blessed us. I received meaningful inner healing prayer from them as well. The summer wave of teams continued and I was able to meet many new people. 
• June ~ My close friend Ryan who was a significant mentor and help this year had his interns here who provided for me the closest community that I experienced this year. I was very blessed by all of them. I became a leader and elder at ICC, my church here in Moshi; the youngest elder in the history of the church.
• July ~ I met my future wife face to face for the first time the same day that my first friend from the states, Kelli, came to visit me. I began upping my prayers in regards to if anything would happen with this Melissa girl and then stuff started happening.
• August ~ I got engaged after a turbulent few weeks of courtship. At times I felt like I was crazy, but throughout it the Lord was helping me to see His hand in it all along the way. I spent the end of the month in Darjeeling, India ministering with friends and family and seeing the Lord move in powerful ways.
• September ~ I started off the month in the Himalayas and ministered there amongst people that are not supposed to be the followers of the Way that they are. I returned to Moshi the second week and began my final season of the year. Soon, Lauren and Lydia left as well and I realized just how empty my normal Moshi community was at this point. Luckily, Melissa and I were able to begin skyping frequently. I also began four months of acting worship pastor at ICC and was stretched in ministry in new ways.
• October ~ I spent the first 21 days of October doing a juice only fast. The Lord did a good work, but it wasn't all intense like I thought it would be. He increased my faith and my desire for Him and those are obviously worth the fasting. I also saw breakthrough in my relationship and conversations with Melissa. 
• November ~ I struggled in my writing and feelings of insecurity came up that I didn't realize were present. A time of testing was in full swing as the Lord brought up and began to rid out false feelings and sins that were in me. 
• December ~ I took a break from my beloved blog and didn't write for three weeks. The Lord brought me to a place of repentance and refocus. The preparation for my furlough began.

The Lord was faithful this year and I praise Him for all that He did.  I leave in just over a week for my first furlough. I don't really know how to navigate being away from the kids for that long. The main reason that I didn't write much about them above is because they haven't changed; they've been my constant, they've been my comfort over the last year. In any hard time that I fell into, a hug, a kiss, a word, a laugh, a smile, anything from any of my children would lift my spirit. They are the reason the Lord has called me here and for that I am eternally grateful to Him. He has shown Himself to me in a new way this year and I'm not the same man that left the states a year ago.

2011 is shaping up to be just as crazy for me. I do leave for my furlough in just over a week and plenty of nutty stuff will happen. I'll get to see friends and family that I haven't seen in a long while. I'll get to try my hand at being a real missionary state-side, complete with all the fundraising (or marketing if you will) that it entails. I'll get to prepare for my wedding for the first five months and then get married to an incredibly godly woman on June 4th. Along with that, I get to navigate through countless people that seem to think that they're invited to our wedding until then (we've only got about 215 spots, people, and Melissa's got a big family!). After our wedding (the sooner the better), I'll be relaunched out of the states, this time with my wife by my side. I'm already looking forward to that and whatever the Lord may bring after it... to Him be the glory for it all.

Romance

I’m a fraud. Consider this my confession to the brethren. This development has been largely unintentional. For the most part, I haven’t meant to put forth such a façade. I feel that people have reached their own assumptions from one source or another about the kind of life that I live and I feel I ought to tell you the view’s probably a bit off. Undoubtedly, I, at times, have perpetuated this perception by the power of my own vanity and adolescent self-interest. For that I apologize. Allow me to divulge…

Last week, as is the normal 21st-century custom, I wrote on an old friend’s Facebook profile on his birthday. He was one of my closest friends in junior high, but I haven’t seen him in several years. My comment was simple enough, nothing flashy. The following day he commented on the post and told me that I am the “most bad-a** friend" that he has. Not a compliment that I get everyday. He then told me that he’s praying for me. I thanked him for that. His compliment certainly didn’t offend me, its quite hard to do that and when I was younger I said far worse. It just makes me laugh as I reflect on the life that I live. He clearly meant it in a good way, but it made me think about the perception that people have of me.

Preparation

I find myself having to continually remind myself of a very simple task. Its not something I had to do or ever made a habit of doing when I lived in California, but in my effort to adapt to this different culture, I try to be conscious of it. I drive down Lema Road every morning on my way to work and there are many people that I pass on the road; women with bananas on their heads, school children and the like, just starting their days. In the states, even poor schools utilize school buses and most people get around by their own vehicle or heaven forbid public transit. While we do have cheap public transit in Tanzania, if you are super poor it may be something that you cut out of your budget. So people instead will walk and as people in cars pass, the pedestrians often ask for a “lifti”(many Swahili words are English words with an “i” on the end). They do this by stopping, looking at the driver and putting their hand out, palm up (as opposed to our hitchhiker thumb). It is common practice to give these people rides and I am training myself to always be prepared and ready to give them a ride.

I want to be the kind of person that is always ready to bless someone, always prepared to fill in and do what is right at the drop of a hat. Unfortunately, I have not arrived yet in being the person that is always prepared to do so.

Monday through Friday, we start of the days at TOA with devotionals. Eli takes Monday, Lydia does Tuesday, I get Wednesday, Jodie takes Thursday and one of the staff teaches on Friday. With Lydia gone, Jodie and I are alternating on doing her Tuesday. I like to teach, but the devotionals are a bit of a discipline for me. Coming up with something to teach on a weekly basis, is stretching me and I sometimes feel ineffective. Nonetheless, I didn’t want Jodie to bear it on her own in Lydia’s absence so when Lyd left I offered to alternate with her. I did it two weeks ago, but then last week the Tuesday was done in Swahili by a staff member. Yesterday, Jodie asked me if I was going to do it the following day (Tuesday) and I squirmed out of doing it, by virtue of her having not done it the week before. She caught me off guard and I wasn’t prepared to just bless her. Jodie is a wonderful woman and a hard worker. She is doing great with added responsibility in Lydia’s absence and is also coming off a bout with malaria. Despite that my lack of preparation to just bless at a moment’s notice didn’t bring her any relief. I felt convicted of it that night and I texted her to apologize and tell her that I would be happy to lead the devotional if she would like me to. Jodie, in her grace, told me that it would be okay and that she would do it anyways.

Submission

You know the Bible is not a random book. And all those little tidbits of “advice” that you find in there aren’t random either. The Holy Spirit used some forty odd writers and delivered God’s very word to us, He then enlightens us to understanding and we figure out how we’re supposed to live this life. Sometimes you can read things in there and they can be a bit hard to swallow, or you’ll want to soften it with some poor interpretation of the scripture. Well, I’ve been learning more and more about one of those such things.

Submission is something that is in many ways a hot button topic in the Church. It plays a role in various topics from gender and church leadership to marriage and government authorities. The Bible is certainly not silent about the topic and it wouldn’t take a long look through the holy book to come across its reference in some fashion.

Desire

Having ended the fast in the last half hour (first thing in my mouth was a spoonful of peanut butter, in case you were wondering), there are so many different things that I can write about, because the Lord was definitely at work in the fast. I’m going to try to roll up several of them into this post and share what the Lord has done.

I have this tendency towards idle productivity. I notice this at my house first and foremost. At my house, there’s not a whole lot to do. I don’t have a TV, I don’t have a DVD drive on my computer (or a single DVD for that matter), I don’t have internet at my house and I don’t have anyone to talk to aside from the Lord and if I’m feeling delusional, any of the various lizards that come in to visit me. Because of that, I try to toil in the interest of growing spiritually. How many pod casts can I listen to tonight? How many chapters will I read in my book? Will I master any new worship songs on the guitar? All of these are good things, but I find that my mindset isn’t always coming from the best angle.

Sin

Last week as I was in the hospital room, sitting at Awadhi‘s bed, I had a thought that was resounding in my head. You hear so many statistics about the ways disease and death ravage third world countries, specifically sub-Saharan Africa. As I was there in that room at Kilimanjaro Christian Medical Center, those numbers grew faces again as I realize that there are children in this ward that aren’t going to come out. I heard the cries of a family mourning just outside of Awadhi’s room in the hallway; a woman crying out loud over some child’s death, possibly hers. And this thought was resounding in my head: “Why don’t we realize the impact of our sin?”

This world has a major problem. This world is in sin. The impact of that results in all the woes that you can think of in this world. You name the ailment and its source is in sin; disease, dissatisfaction, shame, poverty, loneliness, death. When Adam and Eve chose to disobey God, which is the definition of sin, the consequences were severe and every aspect of their lives were changed as shame, poverty and death entered the world.