Belief and Unbelief

I shared on Wednesday during the morning devotional time at TOA about a miracle that Jesus performed in Mark 9. There is a man who has a son who is deaf, dumb and has frequent seizures. It is a spiritually related illness that had nearly cost him his life time after time. The father brings his son forth and asks Jesus to heal him. He tells Jesus what the problem is and that it has been happening since the boy’s childhood (implying that he’s no longer a child - so it must have been a long time). Jesus tells him that “all things are possible to him who believes.” And in completely honest fashion, the man says to Jesus, “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!” I encouraged those at devotional that this prayer is good. Jesus doesn’t rebuke him and say its not enough belief or faith. He heals his son. Elsewhere Jesus says that faith the size of a mustard seed is enough to toss a mountain into the ocean. So just because the father had some unbelief, what he did believe was enough.


That’s what I taught and am being challenged in myself. 


Last week, Melissa and I came to a point of high frustration with Awadhi’s situation. I have been praying for him and his healing for nearly four years now and his situation hasn’t gotten any better. It, in fact, appears worse. We don’t get to see him often because of his boarding school schedule, it appears we aren’t eligible to adopt him (nor do we have the money to if we were) and he’s still HIV+ and deaf. My parents were asking us about him today and I really don’t have much to say. I can’t say that there’s much good news or a positive change. That doesn’t appear to be the case and we are profoundly frustrated. Needless to say, I can relate to the father from the story.


Beyond that, things are difficult for me and Melissa here. There’s a song by Jim Croce* and its called “The Hard Way Every Time.” He talks about how he’s been through so much and realized that he’s done life the hard way with every decision. But he gets to the end of the song and says that he wouldn’t have done it any other way. I listened to that song and it resonated with me. As a bright eyed, bushy haired Christian back in SoCal, I said that I would do things the hard way a time ago and now we find ourselves in our first year of marriage on the mission field. Its nuts. Furthermore, this is Melissa’s first term as a long-term missionary, which for every single missionary brings about so many other difficulties. We’ve been getting hit from every side. Socially its hard, because of all the friends and family that we left to be here and the process of cultivating friendships here. Financially its been difficult, because half of our income has been going to our student loans and even if they weren’t there it would still be tight. Spiritually, its been difficult we don’t understand what He’s up to and its hard to rest in His will when things are so crazy around us. And of course each of those areas have a significant impact on our emotional lives. All of the madness is enough to truly discourage us and leave us wondering if this is how it is supposed to be. 


I’m not so crazy about the hard way these days; the romance of it has worn off and this post will prove insufficient to capture all that’s going on over here. Just know that its hard and its trying, leaving us tired and often discouraged. 


Its times like these when the prayer of the father in Mark is all I’ve got. I daresay that I still believe. Indeed, I still believe. I believe the Lord and for the unbelief that has been mixed in, I ask for His help. I believe that I was called here, that Melissa was called here, that God has set Awadhi aside for His glory and that His purpose will unfold in Awadhi’s life. I still believe that Awadhi will be healed, just like the man’s son in the story. If Jesus can heal a deaf and dumb, demon-possessed epileptic child, He can heal our deaf and HIV+ child.  


God is big and He can handle any struggle that we’re having. He can take a little faith, a mixed bag of belief and unbelief and perform miracles. He is able, for this we give praise. 


*Yes, I listen to Jim Croce. If you think that‘s funny or weird, then Jim Croce is too good for your iPod

Point of View

Sometimes its difficult to live in the tension between what is happening physically and what is happening spiritually. Sometimes its hard to believe, or even imagine, that there are so many spiritual realities happening right in our midst and we continually only see what happens in the natural. It can be discouraging and requires us to be in touch with the Lord just to find reprieve by looking through the eyes of the Holy Spirit.

Great Book! Highly suggest it.
Cover via Amazon

My small group just started to go through the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I read the book a few years ago and absolutely loved it, so I suggested it as a good study for us. We had our initial discussion on the first chapter this last week and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Small groups are great because they bring out beliefs and thoughts that we weren’t even conscious of until we were compelled to articulate them during the conversation. Such was the case this last Thursday. 

We talked about the throne room of God. Chan shares in the complimentary video about how when he starts praying he envisions God in His true form of glory. He asks the reader what our first words would be if we were to be right there in the throne room as Isaiah was in Isaiah 6. He then says that whatever the answer to that question is, that should be the same first response when we go to the Lord in prayer. Such a profound yet clearly accurate mindset put me in a humbling position. 


I shared with the group, that I really don’t do that the vast majority of the time. Rather, I pray from where I am. If I’m frustrated, I pray from frustration. If I’m sad, then that’s where I pray from. Even if I’m overjoyed, its as though I rush into the throne room without pausing to recognize the awesomeness of God in all His glory. I don’t pray from where God is, I pray from where I am.

Suffering

At church this last Sunday, we had a guest speaker, a pastor from India. He delivered a message that I won’t soon forget. Besides the fact that I remain captivated by the country of India since even before my trip there last summer, this pastor’s knowledge of the word of God and succinct multi-layered message was quite impacting and memorable. He highlighted a scripture that I had never taken note of previously. As it should be, Paul is someone that is revered throughout Church history for his shear obedience to the Lord. His exploits to the glory of God are clear; wrote about half of the New Testament, undoubtedly the most effective missionary of all time and so on. His devotion to God is perhaps no more clearly displayed than in his exhortation to the elders of Ephesus in Acts 20. Paul says in verses 22 and 23:


“And see now I go bound in the spirit to Jerusalem, not knowing the things that will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit testifies in every city, saying that chains and tribulations await me.”


I find the calling of Paul among the most interesting throughout the entire Bible. When Christ appeared to Ananias before Paul was commissioned into the ministry, He said to Ananias: “I will show him how many things he must suffer for My name’s sake”(Acts 9:16). From the get-go Jesus made known this important element of walking in a divine calling: suffering.


I can’t say that such an element of the godly life jives with popular theology; not in America and not so much here either. In my book, there are two type of prosperity gospel adherents, and the prosperity gospel is no respecter of persons, there are plenty of impoverished brothers and sisters here in Tanzania that nonetheless subscribe to the theology. The first type is your prototypical Joel Osteen kind of guy. I’m not trying to bag on him, but I would make no jump in my speech to say that he and those that follow him, believe that Jesus’ painful victory on the cross entitle them to easy sailing in every aspect of their lives. I would go into this further, but this is merely a blog post and I only want to note it, not divulge through it all (click here for a little more on my thought process on Mr. Osteen). The second type is the more common type of prosperity gospel adherent. This is the person that rejects the theology mentally, but largely lives it out in practicum. They would agree with an accurate interpretation of those scriptures on suffering, bearing one’s cross and the like, but do things that make their lives more comfortable, more safe and less sacrificial. I believe that the stance of Paul and the stance of the Bible as a whole confront both of these standpoints.

I love these old Bible story art depictions... even if every character comes out a little feminine. Image via Wikipedia

I’m not intending to sound the least bit masochistic, we all know that suffering is not favorable, but I believe that there is something that is powerful, even beautiful, in such ardent devotion to God. That no matter what happens to a person, they choose to follow God. Its just like Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-Nego when they are about to be thrown into the fire. They trusted in God’s deliverance but told King Nebuchadnezzar that even if God didn’t deliver them, He would nonetheless be the one they serve and not the Babylonian gods (see Daniel 3:16-18). Yet it was in that time of such incredible trial that God met them in a powerful way; Nebuchadnezzar describing the delivering figure in the furnace to be “like the Son of God.” Seems as though those three men met Jesus even before Mary did!


And yet would they have missed such a powerful experience if they had chosen to not endure the suffering of following the Lord? Unequivocally I would argue yes, they indeed would have missed it.


It makes me wonder what it is that I’m missing in my life because of my hesitancy to suffer for His name. I feel as though the Lord perhaps knows my desire to know Him more and at the same time knows how inept I am to submit to His Spirit. My walk down this narrow path, is a bit slower I’m sure, but I do indeed see the Lord stripping me more and more of those things that I find comfort and security in. More and more, I see Him presenting me with small furnaces that I have the choice to jump into. By no means, am I on the level of those other followers of the Lord that I’ve mentioned, but I have indeed found my wife and I to be in a place of new difficulty. Its somewhat self-imposed you could say. Not that Melissa nor I have made things more difficult due to ignorance or incapability, but rather that we chose to say yes to God to follow Him to a land that is not our own and to a people that are vastly different from us. All my hopes of walking into that second year of overseas ministry as a knowledgeable veteran are yet to be brought to fruition and I’m left wondering why the last couple weeks have felt so difficult. Undoubtedly God has been good, as He always is. Yet it truly is by His goodness alone that we’re making it out here. I mean not to magnify our difficulties, because His grace is more than sufficient for us, as it was for Paul (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). But it has been nonetheless difficult. All the same, I know that this is only a stage. While there will be a time of reaping for those tears we sow (Psalm 126:5-6), there will also be another deeper level of suffering so long as Melissa and I continue to walk in the path He’s chosen for us.


I can only hope to have the resolve of Paul as he goes onto speak in the following verse of our original text. “But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God” (Acts 20:24). I love this, “none of these things move me,” Paul was literally going around to different cities where people would give Him words of knowledge that he would suffer in Jerusalem, but he knew that that is exactly where he was to go. And the daunting truth that “chains and tribulations” awaited him did not sway him from fulfilling the ministry that God called him to. That’s beautiful.


Jesus is our only perfect example of what it means to be fully human and follow the Father’s will. The resurrection is infinitely more beautiful and enjoyable than the cross, but the cross is nonetheless necessary. To often we would like to skip to the resurrection without enduring the suffering of Christ. That’s unwise and we miss out on such an important element of following Jesus. The two go hand in hand. As Paul writes in Philippians 3:10-11, “that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.”


Let us not avoid our cross, let us not be moved by present circumstances or the foreboding future, but let us remember to allow God to meet us in the furnace. He has sent us His Spirit that we “may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings,” for this we give praise.


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*I would do my normal rundown of how things are going, but felt that Melissa's done a good job with that on her blog from the other day so check it out here.... http://becomingm.tumblr.com/

Trust: Revisited

Melissa and I are approaching a crossroads. Only three weeks ago, we had the biggest day of our life and now just a short time later we are preparing to re-launch into missionary work in Tanzania. It is a full-plate to be sure and difficult to take it all in. I feel like life just flies by and none more than the last six months. The traveling unsettledness and living out of our suitcases has been far from ideal, but its been the only way that we could see loved ones (though there are still people that we really need to hang out with!) and accomplish the things that we needed to do. And in the midst of it all, somehow we managed to get married a few Saturdays ago and will be in Tanzania in no time.


People keep asking us about when we’ll be heading back to Tanzania. All along we’ve been telling people that we were looking at the first week of July and that is still the plan as far as we know. We got all of the stuff for Melissa’s name change submitted, but are waiting on her new passport to come back. There’s nothing more we can do. Rita has itineraries picked out, but we have to wait to pull the trigger on them because they need Melissa’s new passport info. All the while, Melissa and I seem to be in this odd holding pattern. We had been telling people that our last commitment was Melissa’s friend’s wedding on June 24th, news flash, that’s tomorrow. All of a sudden, not only are we bouncing around and trying to get stuff done, but we could return to Tanzania at what seems to be the drop of a hat.


I had to take a day this week and fast for Melissa. Please be praying for my wife. She’s such a strong woman, but this is a whole new kind of weight on her. She knows what the Lord has been calling her to since she was 16, but it doesn’t change the emotional strain and the huge sacrifice that comes with leaving everything you’ve every truly known to move to the mission field in a foreign land. I didn’t help the situation much early on as I assumed the role of killjoy and devil’s advocate telling her of all the extraordinary difficulties of living on the mission field without emphasizing that the incredible lows are accentuated by the incredible (and incredibly simple) joys. I know she’s going to do great, but it’s certainly a tall order. I can only imagine what it feels like for her to be starting a month by getting married and ending it with moving for the long-term indefinite future to a foreign country. Talk about transitions!


Its during these times of trial and transition that we learn to trust. Not only do we learn to trust but we learn what or who it is that we trust in. If you trust in your country and its government entities, you trust that its “safety net” will catch you if you lose your job. If you invest a lot of money into your retirement plan, you’re trusting that it will be there when you get to the age of 55 (or 65 as it’s looking like more and more these days). If you get emotionally and physically connected to your boyfriend or girlfriend, you are trusting that they are going to be there for you forever, no matter what.


The problem with each of those things is that our trust, our reliance, is on something that is not automatically secure. They may seem secure, but looks can often be deceiving. How many stories have we heard in the last couple years of people that thought their financial future was secure and then all of a sudden, they’re up a creek without a paddle? How many people have you heard with those awful break-up stories where they’re just destroyed because their loved one left them? Everybody has had something or someone that they relied in a major way give out or give up on them. Our trust, our very faith, was tied up in that and then it’s just gone.

Image by Thorne Enterprises via Flickr

At the end of Matthew 7, as Jesus is wrapping up His most famous sermon (the one on the mount as we say), He tells a parable to encourage the people to follow all the things He just spoke. He talks about two men who were building houses. In verses 24-27, He says,

“whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them [trust in action], I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.” (parentheses mine)

It is easy for us as Christians to say that our trust is in Jesus and that we are “on the rock,” but it would be unwise of us to act as though there aren’t countless things that are vying for our trust and faith in this world; things that seem secure as the rock is secure - sand posing as synthetic rocks if you will. When that storm hits and certain structures that we’ve built on the sand start falling down, we begin to have no other option but to cling to the rock. We then learn to start building there more. We start to learn what trust actually looks like.


Its interesting that the previous post I wrote called “Trust” was dealing with the potential of me staying in the states for the first half of 2011 and now I (and Melissa as well) are learning trust again as we prepare to head back to Moshi. Another angle this time around is that we aren’t only having to trust in God for all the things across every physical, spiritual, emotional and relational facet, but we are having to do it from a place where we feel more distant from God then we typically do. There are of course a hundred and one different theologies of what is actually happening during spiritual times like these. Our hearts are confused as to why the distance seems to be present and our heads can’t understand what caused it or why we can’t get back on board with the Lord. It sucks and makes us all the more blind to what’s actually going to happen. Our adversary doesn’t waste the opportunity to try and discourage us, driving us to immeasurable tears and countless questions. Not fun.


Its times like these that all we can do is call our emotions into alignment with the Lord’s word and move forward blindly trusting Him who sent us. That’s a scary notion. Moving forward blindly. Such a notion seems like absolute foolishness to the world, but the gospel itself is foolishness to the world (1 Corinthians 1:18).


Who do you trust? If you’re a believer, I’m sure you would quickly answer Christ. If that’s the case, and I hope it is, how does your life reflect your trust in Him? Do you have every worldly security known to man? At what expense? What does relational security look like to you? If any given loved one (or most of them) suddenly left or became far less involved, would you be okay with just you and God? He promises to be enough. He has created you and proven Himself trustworthy. If He nonetheless feels distant, are you going to go ahead with the word that He spoke to you previously? Are you going to follow His biblical principles even though He seems aloof? Who do you trust?


My family is at a crossroads and are in need of our God to come through. We trust that He will, for this we give praise.

Together-ness

(This blog was written with a previous blog of mine in mind. It was called “Single-ness” and played a role in what God did for me and Melissa… I’m not single anymore)


I am learning this word “together” in whole new measures as of late. Two weeks ago today, there was a wedding. It was my wedding. It was my and Melissa’s wedding. The day that the average person would consider the best day of their life, I would be one such person. It wasn’t only a day that I committed myself to Christ like my day of salvation, but it was even more than that. It was a day that I was again committing myself to Christ as a man that is mature enough to take on the responsibility of being a husband and together with my wife, committing ourselves to the Lord. The best day of my life.


There was so much that went into the wedding. I hope to put up more pictures soon once we get them (although you could see some on Facebook right now and the ceremony video is here on the blog). It was truly an incredible production and my talented wife would be the one to credit for all that. She really did a tremendous job down to the most minute detail. Decorations, wardrobe, ceremony and reception events, everything. And it was a lot. We got some important help in the last week or so and help from others here and there, but a lot of the footwork came down to us doing stuff ourselves. It truly monopolized most of our time over April and May. I found myself working on stuff that I don’t even know if I would've noticed if I were a guest there, but it indeed turned out beautiful.


However, not everything came together beautifully. The final product was indeed beautiful, but Melissa and I can see from the big picture that it wasn’t perfect, or at least not in the physical circumstantial aspect. A few things that didn’t work out you ask? First off, something happened to the ceremony’s sound system which messed up our perfect play list - I kid you not it was perfect, check out this line up: Mumford & Sons “Sigh No More,” Norah Jones’ “Don’t Know Why,” Jack Johnson “Banana Pancakes,” Sixpence None The Richer “Kiss Me,” Donavon Frankenreiter “Free,” The OC Supertones “So Great A Salvation,” Melody Gardot “If The Stars Were Mine,” Tyrone Wells “And The Birds Sing,” Amos Lee “Sweet Pea,” candle lighting to Jon Foreman “House of God Forever” and the processional was Phil Wickham “Divine Romance” … I rest my case. I don’t know if the general songs were played at all but Mr. Foreman and Mr. Wickham sounded like they were under water. Furthermore, Melissa spent a painstakingly long time picking out dresses for the bridesmaids, seven of the eight girls ordered through the same bridal shop and they botched the order so the girls didn’t get the dresses Melissa chose, except for my sister who paid more to get the dress because her dress shop actually did get it in time, but the other problem came too late to cancel her order. The guys suits didn’t come either, so we ended up wearing different ones. The caterer didn’t fulfill some of his promises (for example, he himself showing up to the reception).  As if all that weren’t enough, it rained on our wedding day and we scrambled the morning to change locations altogether. So yeah, you could say that not everything “came together.”


The day went by so fast and all the big problems were totally out of our hands. I can’t say how our guests felt, but it seemed like a rapid, hectic ordeal to me and Melissa. There’s just so much. I praise God that much of the stuff did work out well and even more so for those that helped us out the day of  the wedding (our families, our bridal party, our pastors, our DJ -Jessica, our Mcs - Adrian and Kelli and our point-person for the day Mona). Lord knows nothing could have happened without them. And yet, Melissa and I cringe to think about Phil singing the submarine version of “Divine Romance.”


You know when it comes down to it though, it isn’t about all that stuff anyway. I marveled and told Missy a bunch afterwards how I wish that I could have had more time to visit with all the people. That may be the only day in my life where we have both families, our closest friends from childhood, high school, college and church all together. Even Jodie, who is on furlough, came with Rita and Pastor Dave to the wedding to represent Tanzania. It was incredible. These relationships mean so much to us and it was such a wonderful sight to have all of us together in Jesus’ name to celebrate what He’s done for me and Melissa.


And yet far more than any other relationship with a friend or family member there, it meant the world to me to be holding the hand and looking into the eyes of my best friend and beautiful bride, Melissa. As I think about that day, the most prominent pictures I remember are my first look with Melissa, Pastor Bob’s pronouncement into the recessional, our first dance, and when her and I left the reception. Just Missy and I being together and enjoying the love that the Lord has put in us for one another. All that other stuff just fades away in light of such a beautiful picture that He gave us.


Melissa means the world to me. I’ve never loved another person like I love her. I’ve never known another person like I know her. I’ve never been committed to another person the way that I’m committed to her. In the moments that we share together, especially when its just the two of us, I am in awe of just how perfect she is for me and how blessed I truly am to have such a wonderful wife. 


I think that in life we get hung up on a lot of stuff that doesn’t really matter. Sure, they may enhance certain experiences or we may truly enjoy them, but I know that I am guilty of getting bent out of shape when more peripheral things don’t go my way. I then lose focus of what is important in my life, more like Who and who is important in my life. In the Old Testament, God made a very in-depth outline of how we are to live in relationships. Jesus, in Matthew 22, summed them up in two easy-to-remember parts “Love God, love people.” That’s what’s important. A huge component of love is enjoying the communion, or together-ness if you will, with the Godhead and the people that He places around us. I praise God for walking with me over these years. He’s never left me nor forsaken me, we’ve always been together. I also praise Him that He brought Melissa and I together in such a beautiful story, as well as every other person that He‘s allowed me to share in life with. 


He is faithful to do that for each person that He created. He is not only the Author and Perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2), but He is the Author and Perfecter of the love that He puts in people for Himself and for one another, for this we give praise.  

"Together"
Photo Credit: Benjamin Braff - http://thebenjaminbraff.com/

Mission

Over the last several hours, I feel as though a new weight has come upon me. Its funny that a single day isn’t a very long period of time. Yet, going from eight days till the wedding to a week till the wedding felt like a huge shift. The line of where responsibility ends and feelings of anxiety begins is a bit blurry over the last day or so.


Its not hesitancy, its not cold feet, its not worry. Its just a weight. A weight of responsibility. It is a bit of realizing not only the magnitude of what Melissa and I going to walk into for our personal lives, but also the magnitude of the effect that this will have on the Kingdom. To be sure, the most important person in our marriage is neither of us. And while that’s easy enough to say for any Christian relationship, saying that God is the center, the focus and the most important Person in our relationship takes on another meaning when the couple have chosen to do something that is beyond themselves.


I’ve said it before, but I really have no interest in living a life that is meaningless or understandable. I think that God does things that are supernatural and impossible to comprehend, He then calls us into that same life. I want that. I am grieved by the moments of my life that don’t reflect Who He is. I know that it is the same for Melissa. I’ll be the first to say that I don’t know what I’m doing. I really don’t. I have friends that are missionaries or pastors and sometimes I feel like they have such a handle on things. They know what they’re doing and have effective Kingdom advancing techniques. At other times, I see into their lives at more real moments and realize that they don’t know what they’re doing either. And I really think that that is the way that God designed it, because if all of life and ministry came down to checking off a list and having things figured out, it would be nothing more than empty religion and passion would become non-existent. Praise God that such a life like that doesn’t even work.


Instead of dead religion, He calls us to go on a mission with Him. He will tell us things, but only when He wants to and only when its necessary. He could give us a perfect plan at one time and we do it and it works great for His purposes. We could then figure that that will do the trick every time, try it again, and fall flat on our face. It seems unpredictable to us, but its perfect sense to Him, whose ways our higher than our own.

Evil

A few weeks ago, America came to a pinnacle moment in the modern era. So much of what has happened in our country the last ten years has centered around the terrorist attacks of September 11th. From that day on, the man at the top of the FBI’s most wanted list has been Osama Bin Laden. Of course this man was the mastermind behind the heinous attacks of September 11th. He quite clearly was a man bent towards evil and his actions followed suit.


I was at Cody and Alaina’s when President Obama made that special announcement about how the Navy Seals infiltrated the compound and killed Bin Laden. It was undoubtedly a high moment for the US Military and the President himself. The president’s approval rating goes up and a wave of patriotism sweeps over the nation.

Image from www.washingtonpost.com 

Its an interesting occurrence though, when you really think about it. Americans became happy, because the Seals did to him, what he (and his terrorist group) did to us - killing. Now, I will say that I believe it is a good thing that he is gone, for the sole reason that it could, and probably will, lead to a lot of other people not being killed in any of his terrorist attacks. However, I struggle to “celebrate” his death, or any other person’s for that matter. The Lord wanted something other for that man, but he instead chose to do evil and hardened his heart against the Lord. He subsequently died unrepentant and is now eternally separated from the love and grace of His Creator. He was a wicked man, entirely sadistic and its better for him to be dead then for him to kill other people, but its still sad. His life wasn’t merely wasted, it was hell-bent against the Kingdom of God and that’s sad. I can’t imagine what a terrible pain it would have been to lose a loved one on September 11th. And while, I hope that this can help bring closure to those precious people, I can’t imagine that it does entirely. Because whether or not some evil man that aided in their loved one’s demise is killed in Pakistan, it doesn’t bring their loved one back. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth is far too much to ask in this situation because one man’s death isn’t equivalent to 3,000+.


I was having a conversation with Andy yesterday and we began to talk about man’s leaning towards evil. G.K. Chesterton says that that sin nature is the only part of our Christian doctrine that we can prove. I think that’s because we can take one look at the world, and realize just how much people have messed it up. This isn’t blaming it on “that person” or “that group of people,” its all of us, as humankind realizing that each of us have made decisions that were detrimental to ourselves and the world in which we live. In the case of a terrorist mastermind like Bin Laden, that’s an easy conclusion. But if in humility, we could really look at ourselves, we’d soon realize the pain that we’ve caused on ourselves and those around us. It may not be a mass murder, but its certainly not good. A person can kill others in far more ruthless ways than murdering them and none of us are above that.


One thing that Andy and I talked about is who we are when no one else is around. Its that age-old youth group proposition. Who are you when no one else is looking at you? We can all be great in the eyes of the people that see us in public settings, but we can do truly awful things behind closed doors. Whether it be a pornography addiction, slamming someone else online, suicide or any other evil that happens in private, we should realize that there is no end to the darkness we can go into.


And that common saying of “its not affecting anyone else” is just not true. The way that this world is designed is for people to inhabit it together. If you do something bad, that will negatively affect those around you. The reverse of that is equally true. If you are purchasing pornography and using it in private, that is feeding into an evil system that keeps other people, some willing and many not willing, enslaved to producing it. Furthermore, it will have a negative effect on your relationships, especially with your significant other, because you are becoming dissatisfied with them and perverting the way that you see them and the opposite sex in general. Evil spreads very easily.


And yet in this post-modern culture, people don’t want to call it like it is. I was watching the Colbert Report a few weeks ago and a man came on and was talking about a book that he wrote called “The Humanist Bible.” Clearly this man isn’t a Christian, and I’m not particularly offended by the title of his book or the contents of it. Not only because the word “bible” simply means “book,” but also because there’s no point in getting offended by non-believers, they simply don’t hold the same views as me and I can’t judge them according to things they don’t believe in (my job is to merely try and show them the Light and the freedom that I‘ve found in Jesus, before they are judged by Someone else). Anyways, he talks in the opening section about “good and its opposite.” Its interesting, he doesn’t even want to say the word “evil.” We’d like to plug our ears, close our eyes, and pretend that its not there, but how else can you explain that the twentieth century was the bloodiest century in the history of mankind? Evil exists and we must do something about it other than turning a blind eye to it.


For followers of Christ, its not enough to just get by with our salvation and punch our ticket it to heaven. Those are great things, but faith in Jesus is so much more than that. Our relationship with Him is a relationship with a General. When the Old Testament talks about God being the “Lord of Hosts” its talking about Him being the Lord over an angelic military that fights in the heavenly realm which manifests in the physical realm. We are at war with evil and we need to be more gung-ho in that pursuit. The soldier that’s revered is the one that moves in boldness and gives his entire being to the cause, whether that is in life or in death. The enemy is out there and he’s so wicked and he’s tormenting people. And our own sin nature and the evil from within is only making matters worse. We must take this seriously.


Praise be to God that He has overcome and He is overcoming. Praise Him for conquering sin and evil on the cross. He has called us into this fight for good and equipped us with His Spirit that we too may be more than conquerors, for this we give praise.

Expectations

This last week has flown by and to be quite honest its been a tough week for us. A lot of things didn’t go according to plan. Certainly not the least of which was losing the ring, but the hits didn’t stop there. It was a painful week for Melissa recovering from her eye surgery, as well as some additional financial hits and frustrations with wedding plans not going to plan. I often say that things in Tanzania just don’t ever go according to plan, well, this week California’s proving to be the same way. I think part of being human is building up high expectations and then being taken aback when such things don’t go according to what we thought.


Quite fittingly this was holy week - the week that we celebrate the most important event in history and the crowning work of Jesus’ ministry on earth.  I sat in church last week on Palm Sunday and was reminded of all that the day meant. I had trouble following where the preacher was going and I couldn’t help but think about the people that greeted Jesus waving those palm branches. They had some lofty expectations of what Jesus was about to do.

I question the historical likelihood of Jesus riding side saddle sticking his right arm in front of Him as He rode. Image via Wikipedia

Do you ever wonder why the people were waving palm branches as Jesus entered Jerusalem? It was a symbol referring to Judas Maccabeus’ victory over the Syrian Seleucids that were occupying Jerusalem almost 200 years before Jesus took his donkey through the city that day. The palm branch was his sign of victory and was stamped on their coins. The revolt was, as all revolts are, a violent affair. The Maccabean Revolt is still revered in the Jewish religion and celebrated through the winter celebration of Hanukkah. It was even fresher in the Jews’ minds during the first century and they were looking forward to what they thought Jesus would do in overthrowing the oppressive Roman government. They basked in their heritage and waved a symbol of military victory as yelling to Jesus, “Hosanna!” “Save us!”


Funny how it was these same crowds that were riled up by the priesthood to have Jesus nailed to a cross only five days later. Fickle? Perhaps. But it goes deeper than that. These people were expecting him to do a mighty work. While He may have never exhibited violence towards people (let some tables have it in the temple though), the people recognized that He was indeed powerful - powerful enough to do a number to the Romans. Imagine their surprise and disgust when only five days later, this supposed prophet, was on trial for blasphemy. Safe to say that their previous expectations were unmet and the result was a historic upheaval.

Home

I feel like I’ve had a hard time with a seemingly simple question for a number of years now. It is a very common question as well and the answer is assumingly easy. You fill it out when you purchase something online or fill out a job application. It is often one of the first questions asked when you meet a new person and it in so many ways has an important part in the composition of one’s identity… Where’s your home?

When I was in college, I would tip-toe around this question. I transferred to Vanguard in August 2005 only a few months after my parents moved to Wisconsin. I would go visit them for Christmas or during the summer and friends from school would say, “Oh, you’re going home for the break.” I would quickly correct them and say “No, I’m going to my parents house, I’m not from there, I’m from California.” Your home is such an important part of who you are and I didn’t want to be associated with the dairy farmers of the mid-west when I had lived in beautiful and sunny California for essentially my whole life.

I seem to find myself in that same tension this week. When missionaries head to the states for their furlough, they often talk about “going home.” This conflicts me. I’m sitting in a house that I moved into a year ago and often refer to it as home. I often say to myself that TOA is my home, but its not my house. And now people are talking about me going home to the states. I don’t know if I want to be associated with that. This is a tension that I’m not unfamiliar with. As I write this, I remember writing about it just over a year ago as I sat in Portfolio Coffee in Long Beach. My heart was all over the place and that doesn’t bode well for having a single place worthy of the title “home.”

Numbers

A couple weeks ago, I was hurrying to get to ICC. One thing had led to another that particular morning and now I was late. You’d think I would have known by this point that there is no such thing as “late” in Tanzania. I was to lead worship and got there right when we start at 10 o’clock. There was just about no one there. There was no one up on the outside platform we meet on and when I went by our building, I was greeted by another elder, Evelyn, who told me that there wouldn’t be too many people at church today because the Fountain of Hope students had gone on break. A few minutes later as we started worship, I was on stage with two others, the percussionist and a backup singer. There were four people in the seats. That turned to 14-15 by the end of worship, but not exactly the turn-out you would typically expect or hope for.

I’m struggling with this notion of numbers. We typically lean towards this idea that bigger is better or if one is good, two is better and so forth. The last couple weeks at ICC is starkly contrasted by my recent listening ear to the Mariners Church- Mission Viejo pod casts. Probably my favorite preacher (if that’s allowed) Mike Erre has become the lead pastor at that church. If you know of Mariners, you know that it is a mega-church. Its huge. Does that qualify them as the better church?

Though this instance highlights the issue, my struggle with numbers isn’t necessarily that my sermons or worship sessions at ICC only account for upwards of 20 people or so. That may be a part of it, but I’m noticing it play out in other areas of my life that are potentially closer to my heart. One being my writing. I recently found something that I guess Blogger started doing back in the summer. They keep your stats for you. This could be the end of my ego or more likely a bigger feeder into it. I just happen to know that since they started keeping the stats in July, I’ve had over 4,200 hits on my blog. Now undoubtedly, some of those are my own views and I’m willing to bet that most of the people that go to my blog don’t bother to read my flippin’ long posts (I can’t say I blame them). Thus, the number of hits really shouldn’t boost my ego, however in my own vanity, my ego will probably take it.

Of Storms and Reflections

Before I get going on this blog, I feel like I should have literary integrity and come clean with you. Writing this blog was my back-up plan for the evening. I was supposed to skype with my folks followed by Melissa. However, I live in Tanzania and simple things don’t always go according to plan. Instead of skyping with loved ones on this Thanksgiving weekend, its been one thing after another keeping that from happening. Thursday the internet was down all day, Friday the power was out altogether, today everything was good to go except that a power surge fried the network switch for the internet upstairs and I have no way of getting on to skype. However, the good news (aside from “talking” with all of you lovely people) is that it gave me time to run to the store to pick up a few essentials and in the process found that my most frequented store has begun carrying Mountain Dew. Thank you Lord. I’m not much of a soda drinker these days, but MD has a special place in my heart. During high school I hit that drink hard; I consistently had a Blood-Mountain Dew Content Level of .08 or higher. I was legally stoked/hyper. Good times, good times. Makes me think back on life, ah the memories.

Speaking of reflecting on life (forgive my lame transition), this weekend offers me a unique opportunity to reminisce. I received an email on Thursday informing me that I’d be preaching this Sunday at ICC. Not uncommon to find that out only a few days before getting up there. I began preparing last night and I as I was asking the Lord what to speak on, he gave me the words “heartbreak” and “loneliness.” I didn’t really know what to do with those, but then He guided me to Mark 4:35-41. The first scripture that I ever preached on and haven‘t preached on against since.

My final semester of college was nuts. I did 21 units on top of working and only the Lord got me through it all. One of my classes was an upper division class on The Gospel of Mark. I loved that class and the culmination was my 14 page exegetical analysis paper on Mark 4:35-41. I was quite proud of the paper and while the Bible is enormous, I do fancy myself somewhat of an expert on those seven verses. I took all that info and crammed it into a sermon that I delivered in the Tanzanite capital of the world, Mererani, Tanzania two and a half years ago.

I’ve noticed that when I preach, and also when I write, I tend to speak out of what the Lord is teaching right then. That was certainly the case when the Lord opened my eyes to this passage that I subsequently preached on. I’ve written about what was going on in my life at that time, so I won’t bore you all with that rabbit trail. Needless to say, life was tough. I grew more in that season of my life than perhaps any other. It wasn’t pretty though; it truly was a storm like the one in this passage. The change towards righteousness took place not out of a joyous victory, but rather heartbreak. I was confused, sad and lost. The Lord spoke to me out of the storm and took me so radically in a new life direction that I stand on the other side of that storm and thank the Lord that He not only calmed the wind and waves, but used the storm to bring me to where I am today.

Lately, I find myself not only reflecting on that time of my life, but also the last year of ministry. Believe it or not, I’m wrapping up month eleven right now and I leave for my furlough in about five weeks. Nuts. Yesterday morning, as I was getting ready for work I was listening to the worship play list that I listen to every morning. I always put the play list on shuffle and as chance would have it, back to back Phil Wickham songs came on. The first was “Heaven Song” and it took me back to January when I landed in TZ and found out that Anjela had passed away while I was in transit. The second was “Divine Romance” and it took me back to my birthday in April when my Life Group sent me a affirmation video that had the song in the background. Both of those seem like so long ago now and that is because they are pretty long ago now. Its been a long year. Its been a hard year with more difficulty to come for sure. Its been a great year too though.

In a moment of unrest as I was unloading recent troubles on Melissa over skype, I could hardly continue to talk. At one point all I could muster up was “I’m not the same person that left Long Beach in December.” I don’t think I even realize how true that is. Perhaps I’ll have a better idea when I’m back in those similar situations in California. I can’t get my mind around all that’s taken place in my soul this year. I feel like I know the Lord so much better and yet am more mystified than ever. I feel like I’ve learned so much and yet know so little. I feel like I’m spending so much more time organizing my thoughts and yet have so much less clarity. It is a strange tension to be in and I can’t grasp it myself.  

This passage remains important to me and continues to teach me. In verse 38 it says that Jesus “was in the stern, asleep on a pillow.” The cool thing about exegesis is that you get more out of the little unnoticeable parts of scripture like “He was in the stern.” In boats of that time and place, the stern was the place where the helmsman sat to steer the ship. The pillow was heavy and was a normal accessory for shifting weight in the boat. So it wasn’t just that Jesus was sleeping, He was in fact asleep as opposed to steering the boat. He was asleep at the wheel. Meanwhile, the waves are crashing, the wind is blowing and the disciples are freaking out.

Remember how I said that the Lord typically leads me to preach/write on something He’s doing in me right now? Well, in reflecting on my recent feelings of frustration, anxiety and loneliness in addition to the physical changes to take place soon through taking a break from TOA, spending a longer furlough in CA and getting married in June, I realize that I am once again in a storm of sorts. The dialogue between Jesus and His disciples undoubtedly is reiterated countless times between Him and His disciples today: “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” (v. 38) “Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?” (v. 40).

When the Lord first began speaking this passage to me in early 2008, it felt like I was perishing at times. To some extent, it felt like God didn’t care; like He was asleep at the wheel. I was fearful and based my charges against Him out of a lack of faith and understanding. Storms are common in our walk. There is so much in this fallen world that seeks to scare us, thus debilitating us from walking in the destinies that the Lord has put before us. When we come through these seasons of testing, He wants to know the answer to those same questions. Are you a fearful person? Do you have faith? My prayer, hope and resolution is that I will be a person that is based in faith, not fear.

Faith. The Lord has been faithful. He has increased my faith by so much over the last few years. He is using my current situations to continue to grow my faith. As we turn to Him through the storms in life, He will do that for all of us, for this we give praise.

In Everything

I’ll be honest, its that time of the week when I sit down and write down my thoughts on life and this week I’m feeling a bit obligated to write about giving thanks. Makes sense right? Had it not been that today is Thanksgiving in the states, I probably would have been writing on something else, but I’ll try and make this work. I don’t feel like writing on thanksgiving, but biblically I think that that fact alone may qualify me to write on exactly that.

A couple weeks ago, I taught devotionals on back to back days. I spoke both days on the will of God as shown in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22. Whenever I use this passage, I always preface it with a really exciting question: “Who wants to know the will of God?” The hands always go up as undoubtedly that is one of the biggest desires and prayer requests of so many believers. We writhe in our uneasiness as we think that if we only had more direction we’d be fine. We equate that desire with wanting to know the will of God, when our direction and God’s plan for our lives is only part of His will for us. Go ahead and read that passage and you’ll find out God’s will for you.

Entitlement

I think that we live in the most obscure time in eternity. There is pre-Genesis eternity, Creation up to the Cross, now, and the age to come. We are truly in a peculiar spot in history. Anyone that is familiar with the Rock Harbor circles of fellowship are familiar with the New Testament picture of the Kingdom of God as “now, but not yet.” The Kingdom of God, and all the blessings and holiness that comes with it, is “at hand” (Matthew 3:2) and thus is within reach. The Kingdom of God, or the Kingdom of Heaven, is a Kingdom without sin, sickness or death; utterly flawless, fulfilling and satisfying. That is within reach and Jesus wants His followers to walk in this truth. And yet, the Kingdom is not fully here yet, thus death, sin and sickness still have an evil grip on this world. The Kingdom of God is infinitely superior and more powerful than the kingdom of darkness and victory is already secured, yet it has not completely taken place yet (unless by the time you read this, Jesus has already come back , in which case, I’ll just tell you, the reader, that I’m never updating this blog again). I believe Jesus’ words and I believe that the Holy Spirit is just like Jesus and that He does the same stuff today. That’s truth.

I write this blog without much of an idea of how things work. May the Lord work through my foolish thoughts and writing. I believe in things that I don’t see. I believe in things that the Bible teaches, yet I’ve never seen them with my own eyes. I hear people’s stories about incredible miracles that have taken place and as much as I truly believe them, when it becomes my turn all I can do is kind of look at the ground and shuffle me feet. Certainly I testify of the Lord working in the supernatural in my life and testify that He does those things. But when it comes to those radical healings and completely unexplainable phenomena I don’t really have anything to say.

Preparation

I find myself having to continually remind myself of a very simple task. Its not something I had to do or ever made a habit of doing when I lived in California, but in my effort to adapt to this different culture, I try to be conscious of it. I drive down Lema Road every morning on my way to work and there are many people that I pass on the road; women with bananas on their heads, school children and the like, just starting their days. In the states, even poor schools utilize school buses and most people get around by their own vehicle or heaven forbid public transit. While we do have cheap public transit in Tanzania, if you are super poor it may be something that you cut out of your budget. So people instead will walk and as people in cars pass, the pedestrians often ask for a “lifti”(many Swahili words are English words with an “i” on the end). They do this by stopping, looking at the driver and putting their hand out, palm up (as opposed to our hitchhiker thumb). It is common practice to give these people rides and I am training myself to always be prepared and ready to give them a ride.

I want to be the kind of person that is always ready to bless someone, always prepared to fill in and do what is right at the drop of a hat. Unfortunately, I have not arrived yet in being the person that is always prepared to do so.

Monday through Friday, we start of the days at TOA with devotionals. Eli takes Monday, Lydia does Tuesday, I get Wednesday, Jodie takes Thursday and one of the staff teaches on Friday. With Lydia gone, Jodie and I are alternating on doing her Tuesday. I like to teach, but the devotionals are a bit of a discipline for me. Coming up with something to teach on a weekly basis, is stretching me and I sometimes feel ineffective. Nonetheless, I didn’t want Jodie to bear it on her own in Lydia’s absence so when Lyd left I offered to alternate with her. I did it two weeks ago, but then last week the Tuesday was done in Swahili by a staff member. Yesterday, Jodie asked me if I was going to do it the following day (Tuesday) and I squirmed out of doing it, by virtue of her having not done it the week before. She caught me off guard and I wasn’t prepared to just bless her. Jodie is a wonderful woman and a hard worker. She is doing great with added responsibility in Lydia’s absence and is also coming off a bout with malaria. Despite that my lack of preparation to just bless at a moment’s notice didn’t bring her any relief. I felt convicted of it that night and I texted her to apologize and tell her that I would be happy to lead the devotional if she would like me to. Jodie, in her grace, told me that it would be okay and that she would do it anyways.

Submission

You know the Bible is not a random book. And all those little tidbits of “advice” that you find in there aren’t random either. The Holy Spirit used some forty odd writers and delivered God’s very word to us, He then enlightens us to understanding and we figure out how we’re supposed to live this life. Sometimes you can read things in there and they can be a bit hard to swallow, or you’ll want to soften it with some poor interpretation of the scripture. Well, I’ve been learning more and more about one of those such things.

Submission is something that is in many ways a hot button topic in the Church. It plays a role in various topics from gender and church leadership to marriage and government authorities. The Bible is certainly not silent about the topic and it wouldn’t take a long look through the holy book to come across its reference in some fashion.

Desire

Having ended the fast in the last half hour (first thing in my mouth was a spoonful of peanut butter, in case you were wondering), there are so many different things that I can write about, because the Lord was definitely at work in the fast. I’m going to try to roll up several of them into this post and share what the Lord has done.

I have this tendency towards idle productivity. I notice this at my house first and foremost. At my house, there’s not a whole lot to do. I don’t have a TV, I don’t have a DVD drive on my computer (or a single DVD for that matter), I don’t have internet at my house and I don’t have anyone to talk to aside from the Lord and if I’m feeling delusional, any of the various lizards that come in to visit me. Because of that, I try to toil in the interest of growing spiritually. How many pod casts can I listen to tonight? How many chapters will I read in my book? Will I master any new worship songs on the guitar? All of these are good things, but I find that my mindset isn’t always coming from the best angle.

Trust

Basically at any moment after Sunday, my spirit (if not my “material”) seemed ready to sit down and write a post. Sunday, I’m resting it and its only been a few days since my last post. Monday, I skype with Melissa and goes a little long and there’s not enough time. Tuesday, I say tomorrow. Wednesday, I skype with Melissa again then come home and opt to clean instead. I plan on Thursday for sure until Lauren asks if I want to lead worship at their house, I go with that. Then today comes, Friday. Alright, now I’m at the computer and I’m more than ready. After all that’s happened today, I’m so ready.

You know I really like receiving feedback on my writing. Of course you know that, I complain about it constantly. My apologies, but let me explain myself further. It encourages me to hear from people, believe it or not I enjoy interaction with people in the states (go figure, I moved here nonetheless). At any rate, I received a good encouraging feedback message from a friend that I met at Vanguard. Rodrigo was certainly not a guy that I figured was reading any of my posts but nonetheless he hit me up with some encouraging words. Besides saying the normal courtesies like “you’re doing a good job,” “you write well,” and “you’re basically C.S. Lewis reincarnated” (okay, I’m fabricating a little), he gave a sound word that has certainly given me a mind frame for the last week. He shared a story about Mother Teresa and out of it encouraged me to just trust. Clarity and figuring out the how of things won’t get me close to where trust in God will. Obviously that’s a good word and after all that was on my mind last week, it was much needed.

Fighting

I find myself in an interesting spot of my life and an interesting spot of my first year on the missionary field. Its quite unique and I can honestly say that I’ve never been in any situation like this one.

The Lord has done an incredible amount of drastic life changing experiences over the last two months. As I sat at my house in February, March and April writhing from loneliness some of the time, I dreamed about all that would take place over the coming summer. Ryan would have all these teams come out and more importantly his interns; I would have a group of friends actually close to my age. Eventually, Melissa was on board to come out and help at Global-EFFECT and that led to a whole new level of dreaming, knowing that she was feeling called to TOA and could potentially be that one woman I’ve been waiting for. Then the second half of May came, the NMC team came with my friend Tyler, then the VU team with my friend Denny and the first intern Dalila, then Nick and Taylor came out, then the Lord put India on my heart, then Melissa and Kelli came, then I realized the magnitude of what God was doing in my relationship with Melissa, then I got engaged (a month ago today), then Melissa left, then I left for Asia, then I had an amazing and anointed time there. And now I’m back. The summer is so officially over, its not funny at all.

India Post #5 - Power

We serve a powerful God and He makes His ways known throughout His creation. Praise the Lord.

I find that I’m in a place of seeing God’s power and being satisfied and at the same time wanting more. The last few days of ministry have gone well and I truly do see Him working. He moves in supernatural ways and His desire is for us. His desire is to bless us by giving us more of Him, our only true need.

Prophecy is such a powerful tool that He has given us and something that is becoming a bigger and bigger work in my ministry. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 14: 1; 3 “Pursue love, and desire spiritual gifts, but especially that you may prophesy… He who prophesies speaks edification and exhortation and comfort to men.” I’ve seen the power of this many times before and the ministry recently has given more examples that exactly fulfill this scripture. I know for all my non-charismatic brothers and sisters this may seem a little out there, but I testify to you that it is powerful and this scripture backs me up. The prophecy given does not carry the weight of scripture and like prayer, disciplines and everything else in the Christian walk, it is something that we can practice. A person that loves the Lord and desires to do His will in encouraging others will say something that is truly of the Lord, at the same time it is possible to slip slightly and say something that isn’t exactly what God would say. That doesn’t make the believer a false prophet. A false prophet seeks to devour, deceive and destroy. He stands against the Lord and uses counterfeit, even demonic, power to persuade people away from the true God. Whereas, the believer prophesying will allow the Holy Spirit to confirm the words within the heart and mind of the person that is receiving the word. As Ryan put it they can “chew up the meat and spit out the bone.”

India Post #3 - Honor

Written on August 24th, 2010

The last two days of ministry have been wonderful. The Lord has done so much and we see His hand on us and His presence going with us. We have been able to meet some amazing people, heroes of the faith that may never get their story told beyond what you read in this blog. Nonetheless, the Lord knows their name and is well pleased with them.

Yesterday, I had the distinct honor to minister with my team to local pastors and church leaders throughout the region. The pastors would come through one by one or two by two and would go through essentially four stations of ministry. First they would have communion administered by Pastor Claude. Then they would enter the main room and have their feet washed. Following that would be a time of laying on of hands and soaking in impartation. The final spot was for the delivery of prophetic words and Bible verses. It was a wonderful time and the presence of the Holy Spirit was thick.

I will talk about this time and the burden that I felt for the people at a different time, but I want to tell you about Pastor Claude and the honor I had to minister to him. He is an incredible man. There is a circuit of village churches throughout the area and it has been through him that over 100 churches have been planted. Over 100! That’s incredible. In a land where so much darkness has been allowed by the futility of the people’s minds, the true Heavenly reign is advancing and the Lord has given an apostolic anointing to this man to be used in incredible ways.