Distractions

I seem to have come up against a wall of some sort here in the golden state. I keep wanting to do things and then ending my days feeling like nothing is getting done. The American culture is quite the life to be thrust back into after spending the last year in the laid back life of East Africa. I’ve always said that I love southern California, as opposed to northern California or the East Coast, because of how much more chill life is here. I’ll tell you that it doesn’t even compare to the chillness of Kilimanjaro. Its all flying by and every flashing advertisement, new fancy gadget and have-to-be-there event is only accelerating this precious experience we call life.


I had dinner with my friend Rodrigo the other day and he asked me if I felt American culture has more distractions. I said no at the time, citing that in my experience in Moshi, I was pretty constantly distracted by my loneliness and what not. That makes sense in my personal experience, but I would say that American culture has many distractions that are ingrained into the very fabric of society.


When I was cleaning out my house in Moshi, I came across my planner from 2009. As I flipped through the pages, I saw so many coffee dates, church events, errands to be run and the like all penciled into my full schedule. One might say that a planner could keep your head from spinning, but more accurately its just the thing that keeps your head spinning at a decent speed without falling off the swivel. I bought a 2010 planner before moving to Moshi and didn’t use it once. As soon as I came back though, I knew that I should get one for 2011 and sure enough its filling up and I’m trying to get stuff done without becoming too distracted by all the things vying for my attention.

This Child

Do you see this child? He's standing right here
Screaming his lungs out, but you've covered your ears
Injustice rules her life and everyday she's beat down
Thorns are forced upon her head and they call it a crown
His life is consumed by disease, blood, tears,
Loneliness, violence, sadness, fear
But she deserves so much more, every human does
And yet she walks this earth and no one shows her love
Now is that okay with you? Can you just let that go?
Or does something scream inside of you that justice must flow?
'Cause this is real life people, its sad but true
He's screaming out loud, the next action's on you


Oh praise You Lord Jesus, thank you Lord that You hear
That as she walks along, I know that You're near
And his burden is so heavy and its something he can't bear
And yet You reach out to him and let him know that You care
Oh, let us be like You Lord - Holy, Righteous and Just
And speak truth into lives as we give You our trust


And now my precious little children, put your hope in the Lord
Trust that He loves you and blesses with every word
Daughter, know that you're beautiful. Son, know that you're strong.
Bad times may come, but they won't last long
You're such a strong daughter and a beautiful son
Let us find our peace in Jesus, the Holy and Just One.

Brandon Michael

March 28th, 2008

A Look Back... A Look Ahead

It seemed fitting to do an end of 2010 blog post. This was without a doubt, quite clearly and unequivocally the most life altering year of my life. The Lord has shown Himself to be faithful to me over and over again and for this I must testify...

2010

• January ~ I left my home that was the good ol' U.S. of A. and journeyed to Tanzania to take up my position at Treasures of Africa Children's Home. The tears of leaving friends and family behind were many, but the refreshment of landing in Kilimanjaro and knowing I was in the center of God's will for me was my strength. Loneliness begins to take hold of me during my three weeks at language school, detached not only from my loved ones in the states, but also my kids in Moshi for most of the week and away from significant Christian fellowship.
• February ~ My work formally starts at TOA as I finish language school. I take Awadhi to church for the first time on the first Sunday of the month and return with an interesting Facebook message from a young woman named Melissa. She seems to feel called to work at TOA; one of the bigger storylines of the year (or life if you will) truly ensues.
• March ~ I find fellowship with a short term team of other Christians my age and don't waste the opportunity to try and show off my missional long-term-ness for the first time. 
• April ~ I spend my birthday in Tanzania and it is far different than any other I've ever had. I was blessed by those friends here in Moshi and everyone at TOA. My favorite was receiving birthday greetings from my life group in Costa Mesa who managed to bring me to tears thousands of miles away.  
• May ~ My first (and truly my only time thus far) having Rita Tanzania-side. It was a refreshing time as she came along with a team that really blessed us. I received meaningful inner healing prayer from them as well. The summer wave of teams continued and I was able to meet many new people. 
• June ~ My close friend Ryan who was a significant mentor and help this year had his interns here who provided for me the closest community that I experienced this year. I was very blessed by all of them. I became a leader and elder at ICC, my church here in Moshi; the youngest elder in the history of the church.
• July ~ I met my future wife face to face for the first time the same day that my first friend from the states, Kelli, came to visit me. I began upping my prayers in regards to if anything would happen with this Melissa girl and then stuff started happening.
• August ~ I got engaged after a turbulent few weeks of courtship. At times I felt like I was crazy, but throughout it the Lord was helping me to see His hand in it all along the way. I spent the end of the month in Darjeeling, India ministering with friends and family and seeing the Lord move in powerful ways.
• September ~ I started off the month in the Himalayas and ministered there amongst people that are not supposed to be the followers of the Way that they are. I returned to Moshi the second week and began my final season of the year. Soon, Lauren and Lydia left as well and I realized just how empty my normal Moshi community was at this point. Luckily, Melissa and I were able to begin skyping frequently. I also began four months of acting worship pastor at ICC and was stretched in ministry in new ways.
• October ~ I spent the first 21 days of October doing a juice only fast. The Lord did a good work, but it wasn't all intense like I thought it would be. He increased my faith and my desire for Him and those are obviously worth the fasting. I also saw breakthrough in my relationship and conversations with Melissa. 
• November ~ I struggled in my writing and feelings of insecurity came up that I didn't realize were present. A time of testing was in full swing as the Lord brought up and began to rid out false feelings and sins that were in me. 
• December ~ I took a break from my beloved blog and didn't write for three weeks. The Lord brought me to a place of repentance and refocus. The preparation for my furlough began.

The Lord was faithful this year and I praise Him for all that He did.  I leave in just over a week for my first furlough. I don't really know how to navigate being away from the kids for that long. The main reason that I didn't write much about them above is because they haven't changed; they've been my constant, they've been my comfort over the last year. In any hard time that I fell into, a hug, a kiss, a word, a laugh, a smile, anything from any of my children would lift my spirit. They are the reason the Lord has called me here and for that I am eternally grateful to Him. He has shown Himself to me in a new way this year and I'm not the same man that left the states a year ago.

2011 is shaping up to be just as crazy for me. I do leave for my furlough in just over a week and plenty of nutty stuff will happen. I'll get to see friends and family that I haven't seen in a long while. I'll get to try my hand at being a real missionary state-side, complete with all the fundraising (or marketing if you will) that it entails. I'll get to prepare for my wedding for the first five months and then get married to an incredibly godly woman on June 4th. Along with that, I get to navigate through countless people that seem to think that they're invited to our wedding until then (we've only got about 215 spots, people, and Melissa's got a big family!). After our wedding (the sooner the better), I'll be relaunched out of the states, this time with my wife by my side. I'm already looking forward to that and whatever the Lord may bring after it... to Him be the glory for it all.

In Everything

I’ll be honest, its that time of the week when I sit down and write down my thoughts on life and this week I’m feeling a bit obligated to write about giving thanks. Makes sense right? Had it not been that today is Thanksgiving in the states, I probably would have been writing on something else, but I’ll try and make this work. I don’t feel like writing on thanksgiving, but biblically I think that that fact alone may qualify me to write on exactly that.

A couple weeks ago, I taught devotionals on back to back days. I spoke both days on the will of God as shown in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22. Whenever I use this passage, I always preface it with a really exciting question: “Who wants to know the will of God?” The hands always go up as undoubtedly that is one of the biggest desires and prayer requests of so many believers. We writhe in our uneasiness as we think that if we only had more direction we’d be fine. We equate that desire with wanting to know the will of God, when our direction and God’s plan for our lives is only part of His will for us. Go ahead and read that passage and you’ll find out God’s will for you.

Death

I was at a party with many of my friends and it was if I was looking at myself from an above head third person. I found myself talking with a larger man that reminded me of John Candy. He was walking with me and giving me a detail by detail account of how I would die. As he was speaking, he said “and then I will step away from you” and as he said that he stepped away and at that moment, we both fell over dead. I was shot in the head, but I don’t know where it came from. My body laid crumbled on the ground. My spiritual self rose out of my body and walked out the door, somehow with a body of its own. I was now in first person view and made a phone call to 911. I explain to the operator what happened and told her that my physical body was dead. I tell her that its okay. “I have Jesus in my heart and I’m going to Heaven now.” I ask her to send the police. I sit down outside and wait to go up to Heaven. My friend Dusty comes outside and I can’t tell if he can see me or not. I call out to him and he tells me that he also called 911, but the police aren’t coming because they don’t believe us being as it is Halloween. I go back inside and sit on the couch. I continue hanging out with my friends and contemplate my confusion on whether or not I’m actually dead. There’s a knock on the door. People tell me to hide in case it’s the cops and they find me alive. I remain confused on whether or not I died. The door opens and my friend Kelli comes in with three guys in Halloween masks. Kelli sits next to me and the other guys speak with the other party goers. The scene goes on… at some point during my sleep, I remember explaining to someone to not put grease down the sink.

A few months ago I read a book about the way the Lord speaks to us in our dreams and I’ve begun journaling them and indeed have been learning from them. This is a dream that I had Thursday night/Friday morning. I was talking with the Lord and while I don’t understand all the elements, He did enlighten me to this idea of dying to self and its been something on my heart a lot lately.

The Bible is an amazing book, you should read it. There are some incredible things in there and it gives us the very heart of God portrayed through the lives and words of saints past. The Lord has been giving me revelation over the last couple weeks and I think that it is a good word to remember for me and everyone else that desires to follow Jesus. A couple of weeks ago I wrote about sacrifice and I’m thinking about what it looks like to take that action to the highest degree. To sacrifice to the point of death. This could mean a physical death and for many Christians past and in this present age, that’s absolutely asked of them, they undergo martyrdom faithfully. And yet there is also this whole dying to self thing. What do you think that looks like?

Emotion

I emailed a little with Darren (my pastor back in Long Beach) this week and he was asking about my time here. A specific question he asked was “how are the emotional ups and downs?” I’ve learned a few rote answers for people when they often ask me the same question. My typical answer regarding my emotions is that they are drastic, when they’re up, they’re sky high, when they’re down, they’re in the dirt. To be honest I don’t understand them and its entirely frustrating when I can’t shake a feeling.

Yesterday, I played soccer out on the pitch with some Tanzanians and followed it directly with playing my normal Sunday night basketball. When I got home last night, I was exhausted. Not after long, I was in my bed having my devotional and found myself too tired to pray. I rarely only pray in my head, there’s too much going on in there. But speaking out loud just seemed like too much effort. As I laid there, a feeling set in on me and I can’t put words to it. It didn’t feel good. I managed to start praying and went through my Sunday list of people to pray for and any other things that came to my mind. I went to sleep and hoped that I would feel refreshed in the morning and feel good to start another week.

Unfortunately, its pretty much stuck with me to this point. It almost feels like an exhausted longing. I don’t know what or who I’m longing for, but that’s what it feels like. Maybe I’m just not close enough to the Lord. I do feel His presence normally, but my mind is getting in the way of His voice or He’s just being quiet right now.

Close

Boy, I’ve gotten out of the swing of things with this whole writing thing. Another week and a half goes by between blogs and I’m out of the writing mode.

Well, the reason that I haven’t been blogging as frequent is because things here in Moshi have been a bit different than normal and I just haven’t had the time to sit at my house and write. They’ve been different because we had a team and then Rita was here. It was a good stay for them, but now they’ve all gone back to the states. Just like that they all are back in the states.

It kind of throws me for a loop. Wait, Rita just got on a plane and now she’s back in California. She was here Friday night and now she’s be back in Orange County. That’s crazy to me. That place that I once called home, recently estranged to me, and she’s there just like that.

You know before planes became the most prominent mode of global transportation, missionaries would go out to the mission field and be there for twenty, thirty years, maybe spend the entire rest of their lives in that foreign country. That doesn’t have to be the case anymore and typically isn’t. For just a couple thousand dollars, maybe less, I can get from the south-eastern quadrant to the north-western quadrant of the earth and be right back with those people that I miss so much.

This is a really big world, but its also quite small. As far as we know, the Lord created the earth and its inhabitants as the most unique and dear to His heart part of His universal creation. And because He gave us the ability to create, as He Himself does, we’ve been able to come up with some amazing technology that makes the most remote places of this world completely accessible. Thus, California is quite close to Tanzania. I praise God for airplanes and that they bring us visitors and in January 2011, a plane will take me to the states for my first furlough. I praise God for the internet, and all its entities of Facebook, Blogger, Gmail, YouTube and Skype that allow me to stay in contact with my friends (do you think I could get a little flow from mentioning any of those companies?)

So as far as I am from the states, its not actually the distance that makes it far away from me and its not the money for a ticket either (the Lord provides all such things). Its rather the time that goes between visits and insufficient interaction with those back in my previous home. By no means am I pining to leave Tanzania to live in California again. Its rather that I want to live in Tanzania AND California. That’s not physically possible (or the commute would get rather expensive), so I happily choose to live in Moshi knowing that this is where the Lord chose for me to live.

I don’t know who actually reads this blog. I’ve gotten comments from the most random people and yet I’m fairly certain that some of my closest friends from California don’t read it. I know that’s the case. One thing that people have told me is that they like my honesty in my writing, so we’ll chalk this next comment up to my honesty. I really hate that I don’t hear from so many of my friends and loved ones. I know that it takes two to tango, so I’ll accept my responsibility on any dropped connection, but its really hard to tango with so many people. My friends see one less friend on a normal basis, and I lost just about all of them. Its hard to chase down that many people with emails and Facebook messages. So I’ve done the blog, video and photos regularly to keep up my side, but really don’t get much back from others, besides general blips I catch on Facebook.

I don’t say this for a “woe is me” or “my friends suck” effect, but rather just to express that that is what makes everyone seem so far away. You know who doesn’t seem too far away? Tricia (that’s right if you email me you get a shout-out in the blog… with that said, what’s up Rosa?). I haven’t seen Tricia since mid-December and yet you know what, I feel like I’ve gotten closer to her over the last five months. She emails me and responds to what she reads in the blog and I respond to what she writes and we have a good back-and-forth. It is honestly one of the things that I look forward to most throughout my week and it blesses me. She is already a great prayer and financial supporter and yet, she supports me just by keeping me up on what’s going on in her life and taking interest in my work.

I also feel love when my friends pray for me. I can’t hear your voices though from here. I’ve had friends that have told me that they pray for me everyday which is so wonderful and I appreciate it. Typically when people IM or FB Comment me and ask me how I’m doing I give them a quick answer and then ask them if they’ve been reading the blog. Often they answer “no” or “not all” or “not recently,” but then they tell me they’ve been praying for me. The prayer is great at any rate and I don’t want to take away from that, but I would like people to pray for things they hear me talk about, so that they know what to talk about. Back in January after reading a blog I wrote (Reality), my friend Sara told me about the prayer time she had for me after reading it and what she heard from the Lord ministered to me as I read it in an email she sent me. That’s how she shows me love from Long Beach all the way to Moshi and that’s how I know she’s my friend.

I apologize, I’ve gotten off on a random pity party tangent. That’s right, I always have some take-home moral of the story… let’s see… don’t do drugs. The end.

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The Rundown: Just playing, this isn’t the rundown yet and that’s not the point (although you shouldn’t do drugs). In the most redundant preschool Sunday school message, God gave us friends. Why did he give us friends? Because He knew that community and family are going to be necessary for support in a world that is so hard. And also because He knew that love is so special it ought to be shared with as many people as possible.

This isn’t just about me, I don’t want this to just be about me. I’m only writing out of my experience. You have friends in your lives. Some of them are casual friends and some you would consider “close.” Pour into them, bless them. If they are far away, write them, ask them what you can pray for. If we are not being the church to one another, we won’t be effective for the Kingdom and we won’t be fully satisfied with life. Jesus said that the way people will be drawn to Him is by observing the way that we love one another. Take aside time and spend it with someone and build them up and encourage them. You spend time doing the things that you ascribe worth to. If you don’t have time for loving and building up people, you don’t have time for doing one of the few things that will last into eternity. Don’t do it out of obligation or because some guy guilted you into it in a blog. Do it because it satisfies, because its part of the Lord’s design, because its good.

The Lord has given us a good thing in church, community, friends and family. He has a wonderful plan for how we are to love one another and grow closer and closer to one another as we grow closer and closer to Him. In all of it He is glorified and we are satisfied, for this we give praise.

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The Real Rundown: Like I mentioned, the last couple weeks have been ultra crazy with things that are not normally in my week to week schedule. Its really been great. I was blessed to be able to spend time with Rita, who is just a wonderfully, blessed director and she ministered to us as she always does. It was my first time having her Tanzania-side as a missionary under her and it went very well. I got to eat out more which was nice, but even more so it was just great to talk with her. She is a great support for me, Lydia, Jodie, and Eli. On Wednesday Jodie took off for her overdue furlough, so she’ll be gone for the next couple months. I’ve had a good time introducing some of the materials that the team brought me into the education program. As I came home yesterday evening, I had an “I live in Africa” moment, with my whole house in this funky half-power mode with my lights dimmed and realizing that my sink is apparently completely clogged as it never drained from this morning (no they don’t sell Drain-O here). The kids are all doing well and we had a couple birthdays this week (Maggie and Maria). A team from Newport-Mesa Church just got here to work with Ryan and its cool because my friend Tyler is on the team. He was on the first team I came here with two years ago and he’s the first one to come back from that team (other than me of course). He also sponsors Jeremia and we love having our supporters come and visit. I led worship at ICC again this morning as Ryan was taking the NMC team out to Pastor Mbasha’s church. It went well. Lauren has a team here now also. They'll be doing construction and community building I think, so I got to hang out with all of them over worship on Thursday and worship/dinner/games on Friday. All good things. Anyways, the end.

Moshi Brandon

They (whoever they are) say that after five months on the field, a missionary goes through a bit of a culture shock or a season where they are a little more sad and frustrated. I know of friends that have gone through seasons like that while they’ve been here. This is the best explanation I’ve got for what’s going on right now. Yay, for being a textbook!

Granted, I haven’t been here for five months (consecutively), but between an introductory two weeks in 2008, a normal life type of two months over this last summer and being here a month and a half now, maybe somehow that’s accumulated and now, I’m in a little bit of a head funk or emotion funk or whatever (and if this isn’t that, I’m in for something special come May).

This makes it entirely frustrating to write, even though I want to write. Maybe I just love getting comments on my page, seldom as they may be. I don’t even know if anyone reads this. If I write a blog in the forest and no one reads it, does it make a difference, at all? Just joking, but I really do appreciate those people that take a moment to comment or email me (side note). Throughout the week, I think of like five different titles and topics for my blog. I’ve got some doozies in the oven, let me tell you. I’ve been thinking of one called “Poem” for a while, last night I started writing one titled “Possibility,” and the list could go on. This one, I didn’t title at the start. I just wrote an introductory sentence talking about how I have no idea what I’m about to write (it was deleted upon revision).

If there were one prayer request for me personally, it would be for thought and emotional clarity. My internal life has never been so ambiguous and I’m an introvert, a very pensive man, but I feel like in the times that I just stop and spend sometime trying to organize my thoughts, I make no headway. To be honest, I don’t even know if I’m sad, maybe I’ve never been happier. I just can’t make sense of anything (which maybe adds to my cynicism exampled in the previous paragraph, sorry).

Lydia said something last week that scared me a little. She talked about how she is not the same person that she was when she was in the states. That inevitably will happen to me as well, and I believe its already begun. I think about Long Beach, that amazing, yet brief season. I liked myself in Long Beach. Paso Robles Brandon is too immature and Costa Mesa Brandon has too much baggage, but Long Beach Brandon, yeah I wouldn’t mind being that guy for awhile. Children’s Pastor, Life Group Leader, the guy that loves to just go to Portfolio and write or get coffee with a friend and talk about the Lord. Hmm, good times.

And yet I would rather be here in Moshi, but I’m not as fond of myself here or maybe I just miss my community and family back in the states, which undoubtedly plays some role in all of this. In Long Beach, I felt more like I really had something to impart to The Garden, to the people, to those friends in Orange County I would still see regularly. Here, I know, but I don’t know. These kids need a father, but this isn’t the way that I envisioned it. I think of my dad, good memories as a child growing up even up til my visit there a couple months ago. He’s a dad. How can I be a dad, when we don’t even largely speak the same language? Yes, they call me “baba,” but that’s also very cultural. I call men older than me on the street “baba” because that’s what you do here. Yes they love me and I them, but its like I get here and they’ve lived basically their whole lives without me in it. I’m their father? There’s more to being a dad then this and I just pray that the Lord will show me what that looks like, because this is entirely different from what I would think of as normal.

To end abruptly...

I appreciate your prayers so much, equally so the emails of encouragement. Thank you for being my family and spending part of your day reading. Please do keep me in your prayers. I am so blessed to be right where Jesus wants me, the hardest place there is to be. As I was telling my friend Melissa the other day, being a full-time, long-term missionary and feeling the gravity of such an undertaking is a whole other ballgame from short-term missions. This of course adds to the difficulty and that’s why I appreciate your support so much. I bless you in the name of the Lord.

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The Rundown: This week has been good. I started some of the ESL and art programs at TOA, which has been fun. Its all a work in progress, but I prayerfully trust that its making a difference. The bookkeeping is coming along too. The Lord’s grace is sufficient for that. Its been nice to know that I’m doing something that Lyd would normally have to do and it takes a little off her plate and keeps our books up to date weekly as opposed to monthly. The preschool is going well. Jeremiah, or JerrBear, or Pinoche, or Stevie, or simply Jerry (I have many nicknames for him) will be starting at his special day school this week so we’re down to seven kids. Its been a joy to work with Grace and I think we’re starting to settle into the changes I’ve made. The kids are well, although you can pray for our second grader Sam. He’s a good kid that we love, but he’s made some bad decisions (like kids do) and he’s on ultra groundation. Pray that the Lord would be speaking and ministering righteousness to him. Other than that, things have been normal. Tuesday discipleship and Thursday worship with Ryan was good. Let’s see what else, oh, right when I was getting used to my new beard trimmer and really liking it, it broke on me a week ago. So I leave you with this final prayer request, pray that I can find a trimmer before I turn into Grizzly Adams.