Death

I was at a party with many of my friends and it was if I was looking at myself from an above head third person. I found myself talking with a larger man that reminded me of John Candy. He was walking with me and giving me a detail by detail account of how I would die. As he was speaking, he said “and then I will step away from you” and as he said that he stepped away and at that moment, we both fell over dead. I was shot in the head, but I don’t know where it came from. My body laid crumbled on the ground. My spiritual self rose out of my body and walked out the door, somehow with a body of its own. I was now in first person view and made a phone call to 911. I explain to the operator what happened and told her that my physical body was dead. I tell her that its okay. “I have Jesus in my heart and I’m going to Heaven now.” I ask her to send the police. I sit down outside and wait to go up to Heaven. My friend Dusty comes outside and I can’t tell if he can see me or not. I call out to him and he tells me that he also called 911, but the police aren’t coming because they don’t believe us being as it is Halloween. I go back inside and sit on the couch. I continue hanging out with my friends and contemplate my confusion on whether or not I’m actually dead. There’s a knock on the door. People tell me to hide in case it’s the cops and they find me alive. I remain confused on whether or not I died. The door opens and my friend Kelli comes in with three guys in Halloween masks. Kelli sits next to me and the other guys speak with the other party goers. The scene goes on… at some point during my sleep, I remember explaining to someone to not put grease down the sink.

A few months ago I read a book about the way the Lord speaks to us in our dreams and I’ve begun journaling them and indeed have been learning from them. This is a dream that I had Thursday night/Friday morning. I was talking with the Lord and while I don’t understand all the elements, He did enlighten me to this idea of dying to self and its been something on my heart a lot lately.

The Bible is an amazing book, you should read it. There are some incredible things in there and it gives us the very heart of God portrayed through the lives and words of saints past. The Lord has been giving me revelation over the last couple weeks and I think that it is a good word to remember for me and everyone else that desires to follow Jesus. A couple of weeks ago I wrote about sacrifice and I’m thinking about what it looks like to take that action to the highest degree. To sacrifice to the point of death. This could mean a physical death and for many Christians past and in this present age, that’s absolutely asked of them, they undergo martyrdom faithfully. And yet there is also this whole dying to self thing. What do you think that looks like?

I ask that rhetorically, but also in my own wondering, I’m interested in knowing, because I’m somewhat clueless. I’m reading this book on intercession right now and it is quite challenging and completely enthralling. This guy grew up in Zimbabwe and was a missionary at a young age. He regularly does 21 day fasts and gains footholds against the kingdom of darkness and the prince of this age. It reminds me how much being a Christian isn’t only having a relationship with God, it is that, but its also choosing a side in an age old battle. I’m only a third of the way through the book and this guy’s battles are captivating. So many are coming into the Kingdom by the Spirit’s work in him. During one revival, he was literally baptizing people and the demonized were manifesting like crazy. The demons were freaking out and he threatened to drown the demons if they didn’t get out of the person. They got out and the person entered the fellowship. Gnarly stuff for sure. The number one thing that he points to in getting close to the Lord and being used by Him, is dying to self. He records conversations with the Holy Spirit and many are nearly comical. The Holy Spirit is never not loving, but He is certainly harsh at times in these records. The Spirit speaks to him on any number of things and tells him plainly “that’s pride, that’s of your self, that needs to die” and then goes on to give him step by step instruction on who he is supposed to be giving to, who he’s supposed to be hosting at his house and so forth. The man talks about how much the flesh drags to undergo this death, but when it happens he’s certainly closer to the Lord and in His will. I was always taught that the Lord’s voice is encouraging and that’s true, and sometimes He encourages you to “put to death your members which are on the earth.” (Colossians 3:5)

I want to be used by the Lord, but I want it on my terms. I think most of us do and that’s pretty sad. We often exalt God in our lives, but we only exalt and only emphasize those aspects of God that make us feel good or fit the way we live our lives. The truth is God is love, He does bring peace and rest and wants to bless His children. I believe that completely. But God is also a God of wrath and a God that asks you to lay your life down for His cause. He demands that things are done on His terms, because He is the definition of holy. He is grieved when people, including His adopted children, “do what is right in their own eyes” (Judges 21:25) and ignore the righteous standard He set. His gift of salvation is free and there is nothing in anyone’s way from accepting it. Once that is received, the bar gets set way above our heads and we are to live a difficult, sacrificing and fruitful life that is only possible through the Holy Spirit working in us.

I was preaching on this the last couple weekends and I see it as something that the Lord wants to do in this time and generation. There are some gifted young people out there and the Lord is doing a work to get people prepared for ministry at accelerated rates. All the tools are there, but the question remains if we are willing to deny ourselves and endure the hardships to be used in His Kingdom. That is a challenge to myself as well. I have had to die to myself in California and sacrifice relationships to come here, but that doesn’t mean that I’m totally dead. In many ways, my self is alive and that is the exact self that Jesus teaches that I must deny for the sake of the cross.

Death hurts. It feels like death. I feel in my life, I need to start accepting the death of my self in increasing ways so that I can experience His life and really be used by Him. I thank God for His grace to bear with me and my dragging heels. I thank Him for putting in me a desire to be here, without that my death to California Brandon would have been a lot more difficult. I am increasingly understanding that I need to die to myself so that I can be who the Lord designed me to be originally and be better used by the Kingdom and I think that’s what He was trying to teach me in the dream. I have no claim of normally interpreting dreams, but this is what I’ve gotten out of my dream I spoke of…

The party of people was like all those friends of mine that I had with me in California and witnessed my departure and death to California Brandon. The large man speaking with me seemed to be some sort of depiction of Jesus, because He died with me and He was the one that was giving me the direction on what would happen. My body laying there on the ground around people was the reminder to my friends and family in the states that I died to that place and I was no longer with them. I went outside and called the operator, this is my contact back with people in the states and sharing that it is possible to die to self and still be okay, because the final destination is Heaven with Jesus. I’m not sure what the police signified. Halloween may have signified this wicked time that we live in, but that’s a little bit of a guess. I was outside by myself and that is often how I feel being here. Dusty is the one who talked to me outside and he could see me, because he also lives in Tanzania. I did go back to the room (the states) and the question remains if I ever actually died. I will go back to the states at some point and you all will see me again. I think Kelli was in the dream, because she will be the first of my friends to come out here and she will see how much I’ve changed in dying to self and embracing the cross of who the Lord planned me to be… the grease down the sink is completely random, but quite humorous that I remember dreaming that at some point in the night. I don’t know where that came from, but it is a wise word here in Tanzania.

If you’re gifted with interpretation, then feel free to pick out anything you got. Even if its other than what I think, I’d love to hear.

The Lord’s got me. He does love me and He will rebuke me when I need it. With my allowance and His power, I will continue to die to myself so that I can embrace who I was supposed to be. I know this isn’t a cheery post, I titled it “Death” for crying out loud. It has to be better than that garbage post I put out previously. I think this is something we need to embrace. We need to “deny ourselves and take up our crosses daily and follow Him” (Luke 9:23). His grace remains sufficient and in doing this seemingly unproductive act of dying to ourselves we actually save our lives (verse 24). His ways are higher and the path of the cross is the correct life before each of us and in it He saves our lives to eternity with Him and even untold blessings here and now, for this we give praise.

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The Rundown: Only a hand full of days between this post and my last. Good thing I shared about Glory, otherwise that would have been a complete waste of a post. Thanks for sticking with me. Anyways, all is well. This week was spent just working with the kids on computers, we did an art project one day and played of course. Its great to see the kids progressing in things. Yesterday, I had the worst stomach ache. I wish that I could chalk it up to the fact that I live in Tanzania, but its not that simple. I fasted on Thursday and when I ended it after worship, I ate almost entirely sweets and I had the worst stomach cramps on Friday. When I got home, all I could do was put on Jack Johnson and read in my bed, while frequenting the bathroom. Today I’ve felt much better. Other than that, not too much going on. Be blessed!