I used to think that I was a strong person. Sometimes people say that it takes a strong person to be a missionary overseas, I then wonder how in the world I’m making it out here. The emotions of being back have been overwhelming at times. I wish that I could say that they’ve all been positive, but it actually seems that most haven’t been. It just feels a little off. I try to be upbeat with the couple status updates I post on Facebook, but its been a little harder and I find myself at a bit of a loss.I look around at the fellow missionaries and perceive how well they have it all together. They are older, wiser and have a handle on things. I rarely see their emotions get to them or not know what to do in a particular situation. All the while, I can feel debilitated by all that I’m facing.
After arriving in Nairobi, we took the shuttle to Moshi the next morning. As we rode, I gazed out the window with so many things on my mind. As I looked out over the all too familiar terrain of East Africa, I was being reminded more of the hardships of living here than anything else. Melissa kept asking me if I was okay and while I said yes, I couldn’t hide from her that I was feeling a real weight. I was, and still am, feeling a weight of responsibility like I’ve never felt before and its more than I can bear in my own strength, help me Jesus.
When we got here in the late afternoon and got to see our new home, we were very pleased and realized how blessed we are. As our friends took off and left Melissa and I at the house by ourselves there was some excitement in the air, but in my soul, I also felt this sense of inadequacy for all that has been undertaken. I have always said that I want a life where people can see Christ in me due to the situation that I’m in requiring Him to move in powerful ways. I certainly have returned to that and now even to a greater degree with a wife to care for, and its not exactly romantic, its more like daunting, if not scary at times, because it is a situation that I can’t remotely handle in my own strength.
On Saturday, we got to go over to TOA and see the kids, or at least most of them. A couple of the older boys were off helping Eli with something and Awadhi was at school still. I spoke with Rita shortly before returning here and she filled me in about Awadhi being required by the school to remain there over the weekends as of late because of his poor performance in school. He failed last year and we thought, “well he’s the youngest kid in the school and just needs to figure it out.” Well half way through this year, he’s failing again, hence them wanting to keep him. We really don’t what to do and we’re all quite beside ourselves.
It tears me up inside to be perfectly honest and disheartening would be to light a word. I’ve trusted in the Lord for his complete healing for years and have sent up countless prayers, yet it appears that he’s only regressing. We are back in Tanzania, but may not even get to see him for three or four weeks and then its just a short time. I can’t tell you how much that sucks. I’m not strong enough for this.
2 Corinthians 12: 9-10: “And the Lord said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
I’m sure that at some point, I’ve made some commentary on this passage, but in this moment, I’ll just let you know that I don’t know what this means. If nothing else, I would bet that the Lord is teaching me and Melissa what it means.
The only explanation for why this heavy plight in which I’m inadequate to carry has come upon me is that God is answering a big prayer in a painful way. One of the most reiterated prayers that was offered up for us by numerous people before we left was that God would strengthen our marriage. Without a doubt, I see that happening. In the midst of our difficult transition, the power repeatedly going out, having to get around with both of us on a motor scooter, not seeing Awadhi, trying to find our place alongside the other missionaries, having limited internet use and contact with the states, being away from loved ones, all the new logistical stuff of having a home in Tanzania and everything else, I can honestly say that Melissa has been my highlight. I thank God for her.
She strengthens and encourages me, I’d be nowhere without her this week. I strengthen her as well, that’s how the Lord designed it. Shortly before we got engaged, she told me that there was a resilient strength within her that I hadn’t even seen yet. I think that we’re starting to tap into that in the midst of these tough circumstances. Yesterday morning as were up early from jet lag, we again watched our wedding videos and I couldn’t help but cry as I reflected on that beautiful day and what it means now in the wife I behold. I, too, was reminded of my personal inadequacy to be a godly husband. Melissa held me close as I cried. She encouraged me.
I‘m doing my best to strengthen her as well. Melissa has been dealing with this stomach bug. She had to get up multiple times last night on the night that we were expecting to get on schedule with the time change. Just past six as I’m sleeping in bed, I hear Melissa yell my name from the bathroom. I’ve never jumped out of bed faster as a million things run through my head as to what could be wrong. I found Melissa hunched over the sink on the brink of passing out. I helped her to the ground and went to get blankets, a towel, a bowl to puke into and then stroked her hair as she laid there. I’m learning about marriage.
There’s a beauty in the strength that we find in community and fellowship. Sometimes your community consists of one other person, like in marriage, but its all by God’s design that we would strengthen one another and I’m finding that more and more in my relationship with my beautiful wife. Its really not about our personal strength that we would like to think we muster up within ourselves. Its about drawing strength from those God puts around us and even more so, its about drawing strength from Christ Himself. And that’s where we’re at out here, just praying and relying on God. Its really tough, but we know He has us and we know that He’ll never forsake us. We are following His call on our lives and He’ll take care of us and strengthen us. As the Lord spoke to the Apostle Paul, “my grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness,” and for this we give praise.
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The Rundown: We made it through our flights just fine. The first one was painstakingly long (16 hours), one of the online things said that we had business class which would have been great, but in fact the tickets themselves showed that we indeed had economy so disregard that part in my last blog. We stayed the night in Nairobi and the Lord helped us to make it everywhere we needed to be on time. We made it to Moshi in the late afternoon and have begun settling in. Our house is great and so is the landlady, she‘s a sweet old Tanzanian Christian lady. We have a Tanzanian guy that lives on the property in a small back house and he helps with some of the responsibilities. We still plan on getting a night guard though as well as a dog. We were planning on painting the inside of the house with a team tomorrow, but with Melissa being sick, we’ve had to delay it by at least a day. I test drove the SUV that we’ve been hoping for and we’ll make an offer on it soon, hopefully tomorrow. Yeah, hopefully, Melissa and I will tag team a blog on the site soon so keep an eye out for that. PEACE!
After arriving in Nairobi, we took the shuttle to Moshi the next morning. As we rode, I gazed out the window with so many things on my mind. As I looked out over the all too familiar terrain of East Africa, I was being reminded more of the hardships of living here than anything else. Melissa kept asking me if I was okay and while I said yes, I couldn’t hide from her that I was feeling a real weight. I was, and still am, feeling a weight of responsibility like I’ve never felt before and its more than I can bear in my own strength, help me Jesus.
When we got here in the late afternoon and got to see our new home, we were very pleased and realized how blessed we are. As our friends took off and left Melissa and I at the house by ourselves there was some excitement in the air, but in my soul, I also felt this sense of inadequacy for all that has been undertaken. I have always said that I want a life where people can see Christ in me due to the situation that I’m in requiring Him to move in powerful ways. I certainly have returned to that and now even to a greater degree with a wife to care for, and its not exactly romantic, its more like daunting, if not scary at times, because it is a situation that I can’t remotely handle in my own strength.
On Saturday, we got to go over to TOA and see the kids, or at least most of them. A couple of the older boys were off helping Eli with something and Awadhi was at school still. I spoke with Rita shortly before returning here and she filled me in about Awadhi being required by the school to remain there over the weekends as of late because of his poor performance in school. He failed last year and we thought, “well he’s the youngest kid in the school and just needs to figure it out.” Well half way through this year, he’s failing again, hence them wanting to keep him. We really don’t what to do and we’re all quite beside ourselves.
It tears me up inside to be perfectly honest and disheartening would be to light a word. I’ve trusted in the Lord for his complete healing for years and have sent up countless prayers, yet it appears that he’s only regressing. We are back in Tanzania, but may not even get to see him for three or four weeks and then its just a short time. I can’t tell you how much that sucks. I’m not strong enough for this.
2 Corinthians 12: 9-10: “And the Lord said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
I’m sure that at some point, I’ve made some commentary on this passage, but in this moment, I’ll just let you know that I don’t know what this means. If nothing else, I would bet that the Lord is teaching me and Melissa what it means.
The only explanation for why this heavy plight in which I’m inadequate to carry has come upon me is that God is answering a big prayer in a painful way. One of the most reiterated prayers that was offered up for us by numerous people before we left was that God would strengthen our marriage. Without a doubt, I see that happening. In the midst of our difficult transition, the power repeatedly going out, having to get around with both of us on a motor scooter, not seeing Awadhi, trying to find our place alongside the other missionaries, having limited internet use and contact with the states, being away from loved ones, all the new logistical stuff of having a home in Tanzania and everything else, I can honestly say that Melissa has been my highlight. I thank God for her.
She strengthens and encourages me, I’d be nowhere without her this week. I strengthen her as well, that’s how the Lord designed it. Shortly before we got engaged, she told me that there was a resilient strength within her that I hadn’t even seen yet. I think that we’re starting to tap into that in the midst of these tough circumstances. Yesterday morning as were up early from jet lag, we again watched our wedding videos and I couldn’t help but cry as I reflected on that beautiful day and what it means now in the wife I behold. I, too, was reminded of my personal inadequacy to be a godly husband. Melissa held me close as I cried. She encouraged me.
I‘m doing my best to strengthen her as well. Melissa has been dealing with this stomach bug. She had to get up multiple times last night on the night that we were expecting to get on schedule with the time change. Just past six as I’m sleeping in bed, I hear Melissa yell my name from the bathroom. I’ve never jumped out of bed faster as a million things run through my head as to what could be wrong. I found Melissa hunched over the sink on the brink of passing out. I helped her to the ground and went to get blankets, a towel, a bowl to puke into and then stroked her hair as she laid there. I’m learning about marriage.
There’s a beauty in the strength that we find in community and fellowship. Sometimes your community consists of one other person, like in marriage, but its all by God’s design that we would strengthen one another and I’m finding that more and more in my relationship with my beautiful wife. Its really not about our personal strength that we would like to think we muster up within ourselves. Its about drawing strength from those God puts around us and even more so, its about drawing strength from Christ Himself. And that’s where we’re at out here, just praying and relying on God. Its really tough, but we know He has us and we know that He’ll never forsake us. We are following His call on our lives and He’ll take care of us and strengthen us. As the Lord spoke to the Apostle Paul, “my grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness,” and for this we give praise.
--------------------
The Rundown: We made it through our flights just fine. The first one was painstakingly long (16 hours), one of the online things said that we had business class which would have been great, but in fact the tickets themselves showed that we indeed had economy so disregard that part in my last blog. We stayed the night in Nairobi and the Lord helped us to make it everywhere we needed to be on time. We made it to Moshi in the late afternoon and have begun settling in. Our house is great and so is the landlady, she‘s a sweet old Tanzanian Christian lady. We have a Tanzanian guy that lives on the property in a small back house and he helps with some of the responsibilities. We still plan on getting a night guard though as well as a dog. We were planning on painting the inside of the house with a team tomorrow, but with Melissa being sick, we’ve had to delay it by at least a day. I test drove the SUV that we’ve been hoping for and we’ll make an offer on it soon, hopefully tomorrow. Yeah, hopefully, Melissa and I will tag team a blog on the site soon so keep an eye out for that. PEACE!
we're praying for you guys!
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