Sacrifice

"I can't lose focus, because Jesus is who I follow

Sometimes I choke back tears, but this time I'll decide to swallow

Submit my life to Him and glorify Him through the loss

Knowing before there's resurrection we must endure the cross."

-Excerpt from a poem I wrote on Jan. 30 2008

Mike Erre was joking a couple years ago about USC beating The Ohio State University and he said in jest that the loss was the cross that must be endured before the Buckeye's overcome and resurrect. Everyone laughed, but the joke itself was something that stuck with me (besides I'm a Badgers fan). We must endure the cross of pain and suffering before our resurrection and this is the path of the Way.

January 2008 was the crappiest month of my life. I just got back to Vanguard for my final semester before receiving my Bachelor's in Education. A little over a month before, my girlfriend of over two years had broken up with me, my best friend from back home had gotten into some trouble with the law and there was family turmoil as well. If I was ever in a state of depression, that would've been it.

I remember one night in particular. I was in my night class on the Gospel of Mark and I received a call from my brother Donny and then called back to talk to my sis-in-law Melissa and got the 411 on what had happened with my friend. I was devastated and shocked. In my pain, I wanted to turn to my best friend on this Earth, only to quickly remember that she had broken up with me November 23rd 2007. After class, I called my friend's wife and left her a pathetic tearful message and then went on a walk. I have never felt that things were so out of whack.

In that season of sowing in tears, I planted a seed that would lead to reaping in the deepest joy I've ever felt. The resurrection of my sorrow. [Psalm 126:5]

I again find myself in a time of dying to myself and sacrificing. I leave California in less than a week. This has been my home and the majority of the people I know and call loved ones live within the four and a half hours that it takes to get from Costa Mesa to San Miguel. As if saying goodbye to Andy, Amy and the Varners wasn't hard enough last week, yesterday I had a going away party. Joel represented the central coast, while Cody, Alaina, Clesi, Katie, Jeff and the LG fam showed up for Costa Mesa and The Garden/Modern Lovers gave LB love. And I was so sad. I cried so much yesterday. The bitter before the sweet I suppose.

Ashley put it really well a few weeks ago... I have sacrificed everything and especially these relationships for Awadhi [and the Treasures]. This last week, I've felt the weight of that sacrifice and its really painful. But the resurrection is yet to happen and that's my hope.

I am so glad that [Lord willing] my journey is not over yet. Yesterday before the party, I heard my story for the first time without speaking it. Thanks to a great videographer and now friend, Brett, I was able to hear me tell my story and I can't tell you how much it blessed me. I've watched it like five times by now and cried every single time. The only problem with my story about the Lord's calling on my life to Tanzania is that I live in California right now. I'm still saying goodbye and still hanging on this cross, albeit a glorious cross. I suppose my time in Rice Lake will be the tomb (am I reaching for this analogy?) and come January 10th, I get to come out and the Lord will receive glory and I'll walk through walls (figuratively...maybe literally).

So that seed that I planted in January 2008 when I started sponsoring and praying for Awadhi has already started to bud and next month January 2010 is going to be harvest time.

Praise be to the Lord. He is my Hope. He is my Love. He is my Peace. He is my Everything. And I will sacrifice everything and anyone (or everyone) for the joy of knowing Him. It is my delight to suffer for His sake and I await the day when all His saints are resurrected and we live in perfection for eternity. Asante Jehova.

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