Moshi Brandon

They (whoever they are) say that after five months on the field, a missionary goes through a bit of a culture shock or a season where they are a little more sad and frustrated. I know of friends that have gone through seasons like that while they’ve been here. This is the best explanation I’ve got for what’s going on right now. Yay, for being a textbook!

Granted, I haven’t been here for five months (consecutively), but between an introductory two weeks in 2008, a normal life type of two months over this last summer and being here a month and a half now, maybe somehow that’s accumulated and now, I’m in a little bit of a head funk or emotion funk or whatever (and if this isn’t that, I’m in for something special come May).

This makes it entirely frustrating to write, even though I want to write. Maybe I just love getting comments on my page, seldom as they may be. I don’t even know if anyone reads this. If I write a blog in the forest and no one reads it, does it make a difference, at all? Just joking, but I really do appreciate those people that take a moment to comment or email me (side note). Throughout the week, I think of like five different titles and topics for my blog. I’ve got some doozies in the oven, let me tell you. I’ve been thinking of one called “Poem” for a while, last night I started writing one titled “Possibility,” and the list could go on. This one, I didn’t title at the start. I just wrote an introductory sentence talking about how I have no idea what I’m about to write (it was deleted upon revision).

If there were one prayer request for me personally, it would be for thought and emotional clarity. My internal life has never been so ambiguous and I’m an introvert, a very pensive man, but I feel like in the times that I just stop and spend sometime trying to organize my thoughts, I make no headway. To be honest, I don’t even know if I’m sad, maybe I’ve never been happier. I just can’t make sense of anything (which maybe adds to my cynicism exampled in the previous paragraph, sorry).

Lydia said something last week that scared me a little. She talked about how she is not the same person that she was when she was in the states. That inevitably will happen to me as well, and I believe its already begun. I think about Long Beach, that amazing, yet brief season. I liked myself in Long Beach. Paso Robles Brandon is too immature and Costa Mesa Brandon has too much baggage, but Long Beach Brandon, yeah I wouldn’t mind being that guy for awhile. Children’s Pastor, Life Group Leader, the guy that loves to just go to Portfolio and write or get coffee with a friend and talk about the Lord. Hmm, good times.

And yet I would rather be here in Moshi, but I’m not as fond of myself here or maybe I just miss my community and family back in the states, which undoubtedly plays some role in all of this. In Long Beach, I felt more like I really had something to impart to The Garden, to the people, to those friends in Orange County I would still see regularly. Here, I know, but I don’t know. These kids need a father, but this isn’t the way that I envisioned it. I think of my dad, good memories as a child growing up even up til my visit there a couple months ago. He’s a dad. How can I be a dad, when we don’t even largely speak the same language? Yes, they call me “baba,” but that’s also very cultural. I call men older than me on the street “baba” because that’s what you do here. Yes they love me and I them, but its like I get here and they’ve lived basically their whole lives without me in it. I’m their father? There’s more to being a dad then this and I just pray that the Lord will show me what that looks like, because this is entirely different from what I would think of as normal.

To end abruptly...

I appreciate your prayers so much, equally so the emails of encouragement. Thank you for being my family and spending part of your day reading. Please do keep me in your prayers. I am so blessed to be right where Jesus wants me, the hardest place there is to be. As I was telling my friend Melissa the other day, being a full-time, long-term missionary and feeling the gravity of such an undertaking is a whole other ballgame from short-term missions. This of course adds to the difficulty and that’s why I appreciate your support so much. I bless you in the name of the Lord.

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The Rundown: This week has been good. I started some of the ESL and art programs at TOA, which has been fun. Its all a work in progress, but I prayerfully trust that its making a difference. The bookkeeping is coming along too. The Lord’s grace is sufficient for that. Its been nice to know that I’m doing something that Lyd would normally have to do and it takes a little off her plate and keeps our books up to date weekly as opposed to monthly. The preschool is going well. Jeremiah, or JerrBear, or Pinoche, or Stevie, or simply Jerry (I have many nicknames for him) will be starting at his special day school this week so we’re down to seven kids. Its been a joy to work with Grace and I think we’re starting to settle into the changes I’ve made. The kids are well, although you can pray for our second grader Sam. He’s a good kid that we love, but he’s made some bad decisions (like kids do) and he’s on ultra groundation. Pray that the Lord would be speaking and ministering righteousness to him. Other than that, things have been normal. Tuesday discipleship and Thursday worship with Ryan was good. Let’s see what else, oh, right when I was getting used to my new beard trimmer and really liking it, it broke on me a week ago. So I leave you with this final prayer request, pray that I can find a trimmer before I turn into Grizzly Adams.