Voice

I’ve reached a point where enough is enough. I’m not bitter, I’m not upset with the Lord. He has been more than gracious with me over the last several months. He has guided and directed me and I don’t doubt that I’m doing at least some of what He wants. I know for certain that I’m where He wants me today. And yet I want more and I want to hear His voice on new levels and in new ways.

When I accepted this position last summer (hard to believe its been a year already), my life sped up to new speeds that I wasn’t previously aware of. One thing led to another and I was simultaneously being called to Long Beach for a season and Moshi for the long term. I have never had so much on my mind and that hasn’t just let off, because I’m here now. Quite the opposite actually, each day seems to bring something new to ponder and get stuffed into my already active mind. Huge questions like wondering if such a woman exists that would both work well in ministry with me and would actually be called here or wondering the big time table of my life here in Tanzania are the setting for all the small questions that come into play daily like what am I going to teach the preschoolers tomorrow and how am I going to get somewhere tonight if I only have the motorbike. My mind has been going non-stop at a fast pace for a long while now.

With all of these things going on between my ears, it can be very easy to have the voice of God crowded out and take a backseat to whatever passing thought resides in the driver’s seat. I said last week in regards to my relationship with/adoption of Awadhi that “I don’t want to waste my time doing something that He’s not speaking.” That’s true. For the Lord, speaking and doing are one and the same. Think about the creation account or watching His hand move throughout the Bible. If He is completely faithful, completely honest, the Spirit of Truth Himself, He can’t say something that isn’t going to happen. The action and the word aren’t merely hand-in-hand, they are one and the same. If I want to make sure I’m acting as the Lord wants I have to be able to hear His voice as it matches up with His written word.

I understand seasons of not hearing, but that doesn’t mean I want to settle for them. If He’s still living, He’s speaking and doing something somewhere and I want to be about His business. Sometimes, we allow ourselves excuses that actually keep us from doing what He really wants from us. “I don’t feel called to anything (or anywhere) right now, so I’ll just go about my business until He blows my ears off with His will.” There is such a thing as seeking His will and seeking His voice. He’s not going to simply blow your ears off and tell you to move to Argentina to work with street children every time, because there’s more to it than that. He can only send people that are down for the cause and are passionately seeking Him, His voice and His will. If we’re not doing that where we are, how are we going to do that somewhere else or in something else. We need to be faithful now and seek His direction for such things.

So I was planning on writing this post yesterday, but the Lord pressed it on my heart to not talk about seeking right then, but to spend time seeking. I find that disciplines (oh I said it, did anyone cringe?), yes, I find that disciplines are especially helpful in times like this. I think that the word discipline has gotten a bad rap in the American church. Yeah, they’re admirable, but the vast majority of people don’t have much to do with them. Sure we’ll pray for five minutes a day and maybe read the Bible a few times a week, but who wants to fast or seek solitude or spend a hour or two a day just in communion with Him? After reading Dallas Willard’s book The Spirit of the Disciplines, I found that it is important to see discipline in light of its word derivative, disciple. If you are a disciple, these are the things that you do. If you are to imitate Christ, you need to do the things He did.

So the Lord has helped me to use the disciplines of fasting, prayer and solitude to seek His voice right now. I’m on day two of my water only fast and last night was a blessed time of communion with the Lord. Though the kids seem to step up with the craziness and my fasts seem to land on Pilau (one of my favorite Tanzanian dishes) Tuesdays, I find that it is helping me to focus and draw close. I typically have my devotion time under the cover of my mosquito net in bed, but last night I spent the time on my knees in the living room and it was the best prayer time I’ve had in a while.

With this particular fast, I’m seeking His voice on something specific regarding a door that for the time being is open to me. Many would say that an open door ought to be walked through, but as I was emailing with Rita, she gave me better wisdom saying how we are not to be led by sight (circumstances like open doors), but rather be led by the Spirit. Walking through every open door can get us not only spread too thin, but even experiencing something less than the Lord’s highest for us. And yet this opportunity remains on my heart and I want to know the Lord’s voice in the matter. Last night I was praying about it and I invited the Holy Spirit to speak and He gave me a picture about something seemingly unrelated. I don’t know if He is going to show me the tie between the two or if He just wanted to talk about something different, but its nice to at least know that He said something. As far as still wondering His will for this opportunity, I can’t give up after a day of fasting and say “well He didn’t say anything so I guess that’s that.” I have to be more diligent than that. I’m not trying to wait Him out until He gives me what I want and says “yes,” its better that He just answers from His own heart on the matter so that I know for sure that I’m in His will, so whether its “yes” or “no” I’m satisfied within His will.

I want to encourage you to seek His voice and His will in your life. To say that it is more important than our daily bread would be a huge understatement. Too often, we settle for what we are experiencing now, because doing anything else would be more difficult. Are we truly disciples of Jesus? What did His first disciples do by the power of the Spirit? Certainly mightier things than we typically see here and now. Yet we all settle for something less, something easier, something less satisfying. I dare not ask it, but are we not as down for the cause as our Facebook profiles portrays? Are we followers or just believers? A follower knows that moving at the voice of His Master is more important than any other action. Despite our dragging heels, the Lord has already paid the price and sent His Spirit to enable us to do this, for this we give praise.

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The Rundown: The last week has been quite eventful and blessed. On Wednesday, my good friend Kelli arrived from California and it blew my mind with my two worlds coming together. Its been so great having her here and being able to catch up a little. I look forward to the next few weeks as she’s here working with Ryan. Also on Tuesday, Melissa arrived. I previously didn’t know her personally, but through Facebook, I connected her with Ryan and now she is here serving as well. Its been good getting to know her a little. Friday, we had a great game night over at Mary’s, which was fun. And then after celebrating at Ryan and Stacy’s for Dalila’s birthday, I had Awadhi over for the night on Saturday. It was great to have him staying at my house and being the physical dad in addition to the spiritual dad to him. It was truly great, however he is a bed hog for sure. At one point, he was laying perpendicular with his fight in my side. Luckily, he is a heavy sleeper. The following day we were at church together. That night, we went over to Peter and Mary’s to watch the World Cup Final. It was good, but way too many whistles and cards, that definitely took away from the game. Monday started my fast and also I’m fasting following sports for the next month. I’ll miss the MLB All-Star coverage and won’t know about the Dodgers or Yankees, but I’ll get by. Its one less voice in my head and I expect a blessing from it. Alright, that’s it for now. Thanks for making it to the end of this blog.