A Farewell To Blogs... For Now

I am now entering the twelfth and final month of my first year as a full time missionary in Tanzania. This has been a wild year to say the least and you could catch that from reading the previous blogs on this page. The emotional highs and lows have left me a bit exhausted by this time of the year and the emotions and struggles of the last few weeks have possibly been the hardest yet. I'm living in this tension where I know that the Lord is using me and I see His will unfolding in my life, yet I’m perhaps more self-aware than I can ever remember being; that’s in regards to my position in life and my personal sin issues. I have been reflective lately to say the least.

To be honest, I’ve felt quite under attack lately. Its sometimes hard to put a finger on where a spiritual attack comes from because the forces are invisible and yet the Bible is clear that that is where the battle is (Ephesians 6:12). This has manifested itself in multiple areas of my life. There has been a growing discouragement coming against me that has been very disheartening. The feelings of frustration and restlessness that I’ve shared recently tie into this and I realize that these are not merely mental, but spiritual as well.  It has also manifested in the physical realm. I’m not the guy that finds a demon in every stubbed toe and hangnail, but it would be foolish to think that our adversary wouldn’t want to attack us through our health, when disease is such a prominent result of the fall. So this weekend, I got malaria for the first time. I almost made it through the year without it, but nope. Its worse than worms, I'll tell you that much. I was sick for all of Friday, complete with vomit, body aches, weakness, soreness and nausea. Lame. Furthermore, I've felt attacked mentally as some ungodly thoughts have made their way into my mind somehow and I recognize its not from me, but the enemy attacking me in my flesh. Yeah, its been rough. I could really use your prayers.

And yet so many amazing things have happened too this year. How about actually stepping out and starting to fulfill this big calling? How about cultivating relationships with children on a completely new level - indeed calling them my own? How about getting engaged? The Lord has been good to me this year and in any month that I look back, whether it was good or painful, I see that He was at work and that He is working out all things for my good (Romans 8:28).

In this year, I began doing something that was not previously an important part of my life. I found writing. I have truly enjoyed sharing my stories and thoughts with everyone out there over the last year and its something that I want to grow into more. My talent is questionable, however my delight in writing is confirmed.

And yet, because I want to be a good writer, I need to write with integrity. Not merely meaning that everything I write is uplifting and powerful, but also that I would have emotional and artistic integrity. As you could tell from the previous post, people's thoughts have had more and more of an effect on my writing. I feel like the art form of writing is good enough in itself that if I write a good piece in the middle of a forest and no one is there to read it, then it is still worth the effort that I put into it. I can't go about curtailing my writing or website to anyone other than the Lord and I have to figure out what that looks like. I also need to have emotional integrity with my writing. What I mean by that is not allowing my emotions to manipulate the way that I write or the message that I convey. I think writing and art should evoke emotion, but emotion should not be its dictator. Furthermore, I simply don't want to write out of a place of insecurity, which has proven to be the case a couple of times. 

I want to glorify the Lord. I want Him to receive honor from what I write. I want to testify of His goodness and His grace to me and my children. I am still figuring out what that is supposed to look like and its something that requires more prayer. I think with any gift that the Lord gives us, it can be easy to exalt that gift over the Giver, or focus on the present more than He who entrusted us with it. Times like these call for a laying down of the gift and to truly center oneself on the One who gave it to them. This has been a thought on my mind over the last week and I'm going to break from blogging for a few weeks (this would have been posted a couple days ago had the power been regular in Moshi). Its actually been a relieving feel and the last couple days have been much better for me and my emotions. I don't know how long I'll break, but a little time. I've not gone over a week and a half without a post this entire year, but I'm going to take that time off now. I need to pray and evaluate my life and what I invest my writing into. This is far from the logical time to take a break, both with Christmas around the corner and my leaving for furlough in a month. It seems like I would want to gain some steam heading into my time in the states, but the Lord will take care of all that. There's a lot more that I could say on all this, but I suppose its enough. Because I truly appreciate and thank God for my supporters and those friends that keep up with me on the blog and pray, I wanted to tell you this here. Many people will leave their blogs for a few weeks and its no biggie, but I want you to know that I truly value my readers and I ask you to continue to pray for me and the kids. I do plan on writing again before I come back. I leave Tanzania a month from tomorrow. I'll still be emailing though so you can always drop me a line there or on Facebook. If you're interested in the blog, I suppose you can just keep your eyes peeled around Christmas and New Year's to see when I start writing again. Thanks for all your prayers and support family. I bless you in the name of the Lord.



And in case I don't get the chance... Merry Christmas.