Numbers

A couple weeks ago, I was hurrying to get to ICC. One thing had led to another that particular morning and now I was late. You’d think I would have known by this point that there is no such thing as “late” in Tanzania. I was to lead worship and got there right when we start at 10 o’clock. There was just about no one there. There was no one up on the outside platform we meet on and when I went by our building, I was greeted by another elder, Evelyn, who told me that there wouldn’t be too many people at church today because the Fountain of Hope students had gone on break. A few minutes later as we started worship, I was on stage with two others, the percussionist and a backup singer. There were four people in the seats. That turned to 14-15 by the end of worship, but not exactly the turn-out you would typically expect or hope for.

I’m struggling with this notion of numbers. We typically lean towards this idea that bigger is better or if one is good, two is better and so forth. The last couple weeks at ICC is starkly contrasted by my recent listening ear to the Mariners Church- Mission Viejo pod casts. Probably my favorite preacher (if that’s allowed) Mike Erre has become the lead pastor at that church. If you know of Mariners, you know that it is a mega-church. Its huge. Does that qualify them as the better church?

Though this instance highlights the issue, my struggle with numbers isn’t necessarily that my sermons or worship sessions at ICC only account for upwards of 20 people or so. That may be a part of it, but I’m noticing it play out in other areas of my life that are potentially closer to my heart. One being my writing. I recently found something that I guess Blogger started doing back in the summer. They keep your stats for you. This could be the end of my ego or more likely a bigger feeder into it. I just happen to know that since they started keeping the stats in July, I’ve had over 4,200 hits on my blog. Now undoubtedly, some of those are my own views and I’m willing to bet that most of the people that go to my blog don’t bother to read my flippin’ long posts (I can’t say I blame them). Thus, the number of hits really shouldn’t boost my ego, however in my own vanity, my ego will probably take it.



I struggle with pride. Just so that’s out there, now you all know. I find myself relying on the internet a lot more to have any type of social interaction. I’d say that the way technology has evolved the American culture over the last several years, the computer lends itself to my detached predicament. And yet, it also lends itself to what I see as a negative celebrity culture that we are living in. I’m not specifically talking about “real” famous people, although that’s a component. I think that many people, myself included, use the internet as way to put up an image that they want people to like (even with the omnipresent “Like” button). As I’ve been finding in my own situation, this desire for people’s interest is based out of my insecurity and perpetuated by my pride. Its true that the Lord called me to what I’m doing, but for whatever contorted, stupid reason I look to other people for validation. If I get a bunch of blog hits or whatever, that means that people value my ministry and thus I can get a pat on the back for the sacrifice I’ve given up to be here. That, however, is antithetical to the reason that I came here in the first place; its just my pride really.

 Now I truly have been blessed by supporters back home, but the support that Hidden With Christ brings in on my behalf also weighs on me to whatever extent. The Lord has been faithful through my supporters and friends; so much that I’ve eclipsed my support target for the year. I shouldn’t really say that “I” eclipsed it, because it had so much more to do with the Lord working through the lives of other people. If you are a financial supporter, thank you. And yet, while those numbers have been more than enough for this year, I’m now faced with a bigger obstacle in regards to “numbers.” When I come back to the states next month, I’m no longer fundraising for one person, but two. Furthermore, I’m not fundraising for just me and Melissa, but rather the entirety of Treasures of Africa as we look to expand and get the new property that Rita’s been featuring in the last couple newsletters. Granted, these things are not solely on me, but with an expanding vision comes a growing personal responsibility as well, especially in light of the duration that I’ll be in the states.

I am anticipating a surprising furlough. Largely because I will seemingly have time on my hands. I know the Lord will be faithful; its in his very nature and that’s who He’s shown me He is in the past . But for the time being there are still questions as to where I’ll be speaking and all that. I only have two dates carved out for speaking engagements and the other ones that are being worked out are all with current contacts, no new ones yet. So we’ll see. While I wish that I had these large numbers of people that are lining up to have me speak and support our ministry at TOA, all I can do is try and be faithful with right now.

To be honest, I think that’s where this plane needs to land. Just being faithful, just being obedient. Numbers seem too arbitrary. Undoubtedly, in regards to salvation, it is the Lord’s desire that all would come into relationship with Him and that should be our desire as well. But to gauge personal success or strength of character by popularity is a vain pursuit. The Lord will do what the Lord will do and the crowds will do what the crowds will do. Peter was faithful to preach at Pentecost and 3,000 people came into the fellowship. Jeremiah was faithful and wrote the longest book by a single author in the whole Bible and didn’t have any converts of note.  The point is that they were both faithful and that’s all that we can hang our hats on.

To live our lives in this way is both more difficult and easier. Its more difficult in that it is harder to “quantify success” (if those are even the right words). If we go by this standard that all we have to do is attain a certain number of people interested, than our steps can seem more tangible. That is juxtaposed against living our lives in front an invisible being who is mysterious and infinitely beyond our ability to fathom. Thus it can be difficult to understand what we are to do with our lives pragmatically; a discerning ear becomes necessary. However, it is easier to live our lives in front of this One, in that we realize that He is a much more gracious audience. We no longer place such high value in the numbers or thoughts of other people. The numbers of Facebook friends, blog subscribers or church pew fillers no longer matter, nor do their often misunderstanding or insensitive comments. Conversely, our audience has Himself imputed righteousness to us and is already pleased with us by the sake of His own goodness. He makes it worth being faithful.

I feel that this topic is of growing importance in my life. So much of the growth in my life over the last year has been based out of my realization of my own depravity, insufficiency and sin. I thought that I had it all together when I got here, but pretty much from the get-go the Lord has shown me just how reliant I am on His grace. And yet in my sinful pride, I’ve tried to make it about things other than my personal discipleship. I’d like to think that I have it all together and now I’m supposed to disperse that to the multitudes of people and that’s what the Lord is calling me to do. Hogwash. Forgive me if my sinful mindset has manifested itself in anything that you’ve read from me. The Lord is doing a work in me.

The Lord has set us free. He has set us free from striving after other people’s approval and the worries it entails. Let us walk in that freedom, I pray that I would be as such. Let us live our lives in front of the One that matters. He is an attentive, caring and righteous audience that loves us more than we can imagine, for this we give praise.

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The Rundown: Well, once again, I find that it has been a normal week. I did manage to get the internet fixed upstairs and had a nice skype conversation with Melissa on Monday which was nice. This blog was written from Protea Hotel and Restaurant which is where I went this afternoon for some rest and relaxation. I haven’t taken any days off since I got back from Asia and my normal Sunday off still entails responsibilities at ICC. So I took a half day and went to a special place for peace, quiet, prayer, reading and writing (it is a special place because Melissa and I went there the day we got engaged). Things should be picking up though, Lydia comes back Thursday night (also known as today, by the time this gets posted). If finances open up (please pray they do), Rita will be coming shortly thereafter for a visit. I would really love for her to come and spend time with her in this context before my furlough next month, so join us in praying (or giving). Yeah, that’s it for now. Barikiwe!