Fighting

I find myself in an interesting spot of my life and an interesting spot of my first year on the missionary field. Its quite unique and I can honestly say that I’ve never been in any situation like this one.

The Lord has done an incredible amount of drastic life changing experiences over the last two months. As I sat at my house in February, March and April writhing from loneliness some of the time, I dreamed about all that would take place over the coming summer. Ryan would have all these teams come out and more importantly his interns; I would have a group of friends actually close to my age. Eventually, Melissa was on board to come out and help at Global-EFFECT and that led to a whole new level of dreaming, knowing that she was feeling called to TOA and could potentially be that one woman I’ve been waiting for. Then the second half of May came, the NMC team came with my friend Tyler, then the VU team with my friend Denny and the first intern Dalila, then Nick and Taylor came out, then the Lord put India on my heart, then Melissa and Kelli came, then I realized the magnitude of what God was doing in my relationship with Melissa, then I got engaged (a month ago today), then Melissa left, then I left for Asia, then I had an amazing and anointed time there. And now I’m back. The summer is so officially over, its not funny at all.



Today, I find myself at home on a Wednesday. Quite possibly from lingering effects of my trip, I spent half of last night on the can with terrible stomach pains. I’m taking the day off of TOA to rest and recover. Hopefully I’ll nip this thing in the bud today and get back to work tomorrow. At any rate, its allowed for one thing that I haven’t had any short of over the last week since I got back, alone time.

There is so much going on in my head and heart right now. So many feelings, many of which aren’t particularly good. So many thoughts, many of which are quite confusing. I feel like I’m at a crossroads where theology and real life crash together and I’m going to come out a changed man. I need the Lord.

In the states, too often I find that theology is only what you think. I feel like I’ve been plunged into a life where things that I think and believe about God have a direct effect on my life. To be honest, I have to fight against the notion that there is suffering in my life due to my poor theology. I must remind myself that His grace is sufficient. Nonetheless, if I’m wrong in my mindset, I want to be corrected and I want to strive to be in the correct standing with how life works.

Awadhi plays a big role in this, specifically regarding his healing. I’ve fasted and prayed for his healing so many times. I’m assured of it and I’m not reneging on the promise the Lord has given me. The Bible keeps me centered on the all-powerful and healing attributes of God. Although, to be honest, its quite hard to walk in this a lot of the time.

I read a lot and different authors/people challenge my thinking. Because of my lack of experience and desire to learn from others, I allow myself to look to their experiences and try to grow in my own situation. I’ve mentioned Bill Johnson before, a godly pastor who I respect tremendously. His books have challenged me and built up my faith, specifically in the supernatural life. If I could paraphrase a teaching of his, it would go something like “God’s desire is to heal people completely. We are His agents, through the Holy Spirit, to enact the healing. God’s timing for healing is essentially now and there is nothing for the sick person to learn from sickness, other than that God is a God that heals.” Of course, his views are more intricate and thorough than that, but nonetheless that’s the teaching in a nutshell, to me at least. Now I’m reading this book on Mother Teresa and her views on sickness are so much different. In speaking on leprosy she said that leprosy “can be a very beautiful gift of God if we make good use of it. Through it we can learn to love the unloved, the unwanted.” Two tremendously godly people who have far more wisdom than me and yet the views don’t necessarily match up. All the while, I sit in the middle of Tanzania with a six year old son who is still HIV+ and deaf. My insides burn from this.

Melissa plays a big role in this spot that I’m in as well. Our situation is so unique that I have no category for not only what has happened, but also what’s next. I’m not speaking in regards to what physically takes place next, the plan is before us and we remain submitted to the Lord for His highest guidance. But what are my emotions supposed to be? What are my thoughts supposed to be? I have found the best friend that I’ll ever have and she has quickly become my closest confidant. Yet two days after we got engaged she got on a plane and headed back to California and I don’t see her again until January. In a short time where seemingly we would need to spend as much time together as possible to continue to build our relationship and prepare for our marriage, we instead are relegated to skype calls and emails. And I tell you, I miss that woman. I wish she were here. She’s just the encouragement that would help me through this time and I glean as much as I can from our internet contact. Its really hard to be apart from her right now.

My trip to Asia has a big role in this spot too. All that God did, all the weight that I felt for those lost people, all the prayers sent up, all the words shared. Lauren asked me yesterday how processing has been going and its really hard to say. I wrote that last blog as a form of processing, but so much of what I feel in regards to that trip is beyond what I can express verbally it makes processing a bit more difficult. I know I need to hold on to the things that God taught me and gave me while I was there and I need to pray for the motivation to do so.

Where TOA is at right now has a big role in this also. We are trying to get land and expand and do more things. We are seeking the Lord for these things and this was a big reason why Rita was out here while I was in Asia. We know God has bigger plans for us, but we are trying to figure out what that looks like right now. Meanwhile, people wonder if we are going to shut down like other charitable organizations due to the economy in the states. Despite the fact that in tough times people cut back on their charitable donations first, the Lord has sustained us. All the more because of the situation back in the states, if we are going to expand now it is going to have to be God. I think what my role is in all of this. We have land picked out and we’ll find out soon if its ours or not, then comes the fundraising of millions of dollars to buy it, then develop it and so forth. This is for the relocation of this TOA. So any further plans in developing that land out in Masai country for the second children’s home that I’d run comes after Hidden With Christ’s biggest multi-million dollar project that is before us right now. I don’t hold any lofty ideas of “oh, well, when I have my own orphanage…” because that is on God to bring His word to pass. Nonetheless, my thoughts start to go every which way. 2011 is going to look a lot different for me.

So I’m in this spot where all these things are weighing on me. I know Christ is with me and I know that in times of hardship God does some of His best work. It would be easy to allow myself to be sad right now and just dream about how perfect life will be next year. I’ve had to fight for contentment at points this week. I’m going to keep fighting. Hebrews 10:39: “We are not of them who shrink back to perdition, but of them that have faith unto the saving of the soul.” I’m not going to shrink back because so much is weighing on me, or because I’m struggling with loneliness. That leads to perdition, destruction. I instead will walk in faith and salvation.

The rubber hits the road and I can’t allow this to only be a melancholy post where I end it by saying I’ll be faithful. That’s all good, but there’s more to it than that. I knew that the Lord would have me do an extended fast and I mentioned that in my previous post. I prayed about fasting last night and as I walked into the door of my house, I asked the Lord if this was a good time and I seriously felt Him say “Yeah, dude.” He threw in the ‘dude’ and everything. So please pray for me in this time. I am doing a water only fast today. I wanted to start the multi-day fast, but after speaking with Lydia and Jodie I realized that that wouldn't be the wisest thing for my body being as I've been battling stomach issues for the last few weeks. Instead, I am going to get tested, spend the next two weeks preparing and then if all is well, I will start my longer fast, praying for these things on the first of the month.

He remains present. He is not thrown off by our problems and His victory is secured. He is big enough for pains and quandaries. His grace is sufficient, for this we give praise.

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The Rundown: Despite all the inside emotions and thoughts, the external work and all has been quite normal. Nothing really to big going on. Sunday night, I met with Pastor Shoo and other leaders at ICC and talked about the church, where we’re going and what our roles are in it. It was good. I’m glad that I’m a part of this church and advancing the Kingdom through it. I know that I’ll be an important person in the coming season, because Ryan is gone and Pastor Shoo will leave for a month himself. I’m going to have to figure out how much of myself I can pour into this, so as to not burn myself out when my far bigger commitment is at TOA. You can pray for that as well. Monday and Tuesday were pretty normal. I have Ryan’s truck while he is gone, which is nice. However, I don’t have so many places to drive with everyone being gone! Anyways, all is well. Thanks for your prayers. Blessings.