Speaking of reflecting on life (forgive my lame transition), this weekend offers me a unique opportunity to reminisce. I received an email on Thursday informing me that I’d be preaching this Sunday at ICC. Not uncommon to find that out only a few days before getting up there. I began preparing last night and I as I was asking the Lord what to speak on, he gave me the words “heartbreak” and “loneliness.” I didn’t really know what to do with those, but then He guided me to Mark 4:35-41. The first scripture that I ever preached on and haven‘t preached on against since.
My final semester of college was nuts. I did 21 units on top of working and only the Lord got me through it all. One of my classes was an upper division class on The Gospel of Mark. I loved that class and the culmination was my 14 page exegetical analysis paper on Mark 4:35-41. I was quite proud of the paper and while the Bible is enormous, I do fancy myself somewhat of an expert on those seven verses. I took all that info and crammed it into a sermon that I delivered in the Tanzanite capital of the world, Mererani, Tanzania two and a half years ago.
I’ve noticed that when I preach, and also when I write, I tend to speak out of what the Lord is teaching right then. That was certainly the case when the Lord opened my eyes to this passage that I subsequently preached on. I’ve written about what was going on in my life at that time, so I won’t bore you all with that rabbit trail. Needless to say, life was tough. I grew more in that season of my life than perhaps any other. It wasn’t pretty though; it truly was a storm like the one in this passage. The change towards righteousness took place not out of a joyous victory, but rather heartbreak. I was confused, sad and lost. The Lord spoke to me out of the storm and took me so radically in a new life direction that I stand on the other side of that storm and thank the Lord that He not only calmed the wind and waves, but used the storm to bring me to where I am today.
Lately, I find myself not only reflecting on that time of my life, but also the last year of ministry. Believe it or not, I’m wrapping up month eleven right now and I leave for my furlough in about five weeks. Nuts. Yesterday morning, as I was getting ready for work I was listening to the worship play list that I listen to every morning. I always put the play list on shuffle and as chance would have it, back to back Phil Wickham songs came on. The first was “Heaven Song” and it took me back to January when I landed in TZ and found out that Anjela had passed away while I was in transit. The second was “Divine Romance” and it took me back to my birthday in April when my Life Group sent me a affirmation video that had the song in the background. Both of those seem like so long ago now and that is because they are pretty long ago now. Its been a long year. Its been a hard year with more difficulty to come for sure. Its been a great year too though.
In a moment of unrest as I was unloading recent troubles on Melissa over skype, I could hardly continue to talk. At one point all I could muster up was “I’m not the same person that left Long Beach in December.” I don’t think I even realize how true that is. Perhaps I’ll have a better idea when I’m back in those similar situations in California. I can’t get my mind around all that’s taken place in my soul this year. I feel like I know the Lord so much better and yet am more mystified than ever. I feel like I’ve learned so much and yet know so little. I feel like I’m spending so much more time organizing my thoughts and yet have so much less clarity. It is a strange tension to be in and I can’t grasp it myself.
This passage remains important to me and continues to teach me. In verse 38 it says that Jesus “was in the stern, asleep on a pillow.” The cool thing about exegesis is that you get more out of the little unnoticeable parts of scripture like “He was in the stern.” In boats of that time and place, the stern was the place where the helmsman sat to steer the ship. The pillow was heavy and was a normal accessory for shifting weight in the boat. So it wasn’t just that Jesus was sleeping, He was in fact asleep as opposed to steering the boat. He was asleep at the wheel. Meanwhile, the waves are crashing, the wind is blowing and the disciples are freaking out.
Remember how I said that the Lord typically leads me to preach/write on something He’s doing in me right now? Well, in reflecting on my recent feelings of frustration, anxiety and loneliness in addition to the physical changes to take place soon through taking a break from TOA, spending a longer furlough in CA and getting married in June, I realize that I am once again in a storm of sorts. The dialogue between Jesus and His disciples undoubtedly is reiterated countless times between Him and His disciples today: “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” (v. 38) “Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?” (v. 40).
When the Lord first began speaking this passage to me in early 2008, it felt like I was perishing at times. To some extent, it felt like God didn’t care; like He was asleep at the wheel. I was fearful and based my charges against Him out of a lack of faith and understanding. Storms are common in our walk. There is so much in this fallen world that seeks to scare us, thus debilitating us from walking in the destinies that the Lord has put before us. When we come through these seasons of testing, He wants to know the answer to those same questions. Are you a fearful person? Do you have faith? My prayer, hope and resolution is that I will be a person that is based in faith, not fear.
Faith. The Lord has been faithful. He has increased my faith by so much over the last few years. He is using my current situations to continue to grow my faith. As we turn to Him through the storms in life, He will do that for all of us, for this we give praise.
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